Children and Funerals

Kitten_Pie

Not sure if your sister is a member of TAMBA but they have an online support board (and facebook page) for people who have lost twins. We are a member and my husband has found it helpful.

To register they need to contact TAMBA who will then assist with the membership as they are private boards. HTH

pinkclouds

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Personally, I'd take the kids to the funeral - if the aunt is happy for them to attend. They've seen the bump, they've talked about the babies for ages and they should be free to acknowledge them and remember them like everyone else. If auntie has taken any baby photos then I'd also be happy for them to see them. The kids will be fine with it all. Kids are still "black and white" but we are all "shades of grey" and agonise over things like this... [From the kids' point of view - ] Bump, babies, evidence they were here and now they are gone. It's okay to be sad and miss them. It's okay to remember them and talk about them. And it's okay to "forget" them and be happy too. The adults will be different...

If the aunt will find it distressing to have kids attend then obviously her wishes are more important and should be respected. As an alternative, if they can't attend, I'd try to explain what's gone "wrong" and why the babies won't be coming home - with simple, matter of fact, words. You see, there will still be a little bit of a bump for a while (as humans are not elastic bands) and the kids will wonder what's going on. The eldest is 9 years old. Even my 2 year old knows about babies being inside tummies. You need to explain before they ask auntie themselves - the 9 year old might be tactful but the 5 year old won't.

Again, I am sorry for your sister's loss and your own loss. And for my words doubtlessly sounding blunt at this time. I mean well and I truly think too many people try to "shield" kids from funerals for well-intentioned but wrong reasons.

kazza1000

I am so very sorry for your family's loss.

My boys' daddy died when they were 5 and 2 years old. I did not take them to his funeral as I was very worried about the effect it would have on them seeing such raw grief from all the people they love.

Nearly 8 years later it seems that it would probably have been better to have taken them. Both boys have been in bereavement counselling with Cruse for several months recently (also, their grandad (dad's dad) who they were very close to died very suddenly just over a year ago).

My eldest son (he is nearly 14 now) does remember being told that his dad had died and it appears that for a long time he did not actually realise what this meant. I really believe now that if he had gone to his dad's funeral he would have been much better equipped to deal with the reality of death and would have understood much more quickly that dad was never coming home.

My youngest son, now 11 yo, did not understand that his dad was never coming home until he was nearly 7. Again, I believe that, while at the time I wanted to protect them from being hurt by attending the funeral I now believe that I didn't really do them any favours in the long run.

If I was able to do it again I would fully involve them and I would not try to protect them from the realities of death.

However, yours is a very different situation and you need to do what you believe is best for your kids and also the rest of your family.

My thoughts are with all of you

K x

Chakani

I would normally say don't overprotect them, but in this instance, where they don't know the babies, and the funeral being likely to be a very traumatic experience, I would keep them away (I'd take them to the wake) - I think I'd offer (or suggest your husband offers, if you would rather be at the funeral) to look after your sister's other children for her, that could be a way of showing loving support?

SandC

Normally I would say ask them. But in this case it is a raw loss for the parents and not really anyone else. I wouldn't be treating it like a normal funeral as an adult even, sorry! For the parents to be and close family, it's obviously terribly distressing but in fairness I don't think they should even be expecting anyone other than very close adult family and friends to be there. So on this one, for me, children no.

silvercar

Sometimes you can never do the right thing.

I would rather cope with a child protesting that they should have been allowed to attend the funeral, than a child being traumatised by witnessing the anguish that will be displayed.

Whereas attending a funeral will speed the understanding of the death, I would question whether children need to witness the extreme adult grief.

Mrs_Arcanum

With this situation it is up to you how you handle things. Sadly they will never know the twins so this unknowing could be a factor to consider.

Where someone is a close known relative a funeral can be a point of closure, regardless of age. My children went to their Granny's funeral to say goodbye. They were almost 3 and 6 and very close to her. Even now 9 years later my daughter mentions Granny with fondness.

Conversely at age 13, I was packed off to school on the day of my fathers funeral. Took me decades to get over his death.

SandC

We are talking about unborn children here, kids will not 'get' the trauma and grief being expressed - which to be honest should only be coming from the parents. I do think big funerals for this kind of loss are a bit odd.

Errata

I think the children have hit the nail on the head as far as the babies are concerned. They are not 'real' to them, they can't mourn them nor pay their respects at their funeral which is the whole point and purpose of a funeral. It would hold no meaning for them.

When i told DS he cried for a few mins, then carried on with his day as usual. When i told DD she just said "oh, thats a shame, i was looking forward to seeing them" and then skipped away.
.

SandC

And in fairness it really is only the parents to be who will grieve - I think the funeral is for them and other attendees are showing their support, rather than mourning themselves. It's not like missing a funeral for a person a child has got to know and later in life feeling they have unfinished business or needed to say goodbye. This is a different scenario.