Children and Funerals

cheeks

Good evening everyone.
I'm sorry to post a bummer of a thread just after christmas, but i'm desperate for some advice/experience.
My sister gave birth to still-born identical twin boys yesterday. They were born at 25weeks, so they will be registered and we will have a funeral for them.
I have a 9yr old son and 5yr old daughter and i don't know whether to take them to the funeral or not.
We are a very close family, so my children see their auntie more or less every day (we only live 4 houses apart), so its not like she's someone they only see every now and then, they've watched her bump grow, talked about their new cousins etc.
I would be really grateful for any thoughts or experience anyone has.
Many thanks in advance x

raven83

Awwww sorry to hear about your sisters loss big hugs. Well i think that the 9 year old is old enough to know about these things and to understand so i don't think taking him would be a problem if it was me as i have a 9 year old and she is quite grown up now, as for the 5 year old it depends, i have a daughter the same age also and i am not sure if i would take her i think that depends on how much she understands at that age.

kittywight

hugs hunny im sorry for your familys loss big hugs for you

we dont take kids to funerals in my family .... the only time chilren go is when its been a parent whos died
we do have children at the wake and try to get them involved as much as they can, explaining to them about the death and what happens 'next' ect

are there any other people in the families with children? perhaps ask them what the plan to do ?


my thoughts are with you at this difficult time hun

meritaten

You know your own children best hun - your decision to make.
Saying that - your children will have been expecting new babies and although I am sure you have told them whats happened - are you sure that they understand the finality of death?
have you explained to them that there will be a funeral (and what a funeral is?)?
To my mind it is certainly acceptable for them to attend.........providing they understand that it will be a very sad occasion and that its a chance for them to say goodbye to the babies they never got to know? Only you can know if that would benefit them or distress them.
I really think that only YOU know your children well enough to judge that.
If you decide to take them - are you prepared to take them outside or back home if it gets too much for them? could you take a friend who knows them well who could do this for you? My SIL did that at BILs funeral - the regular babysitter came along too and as the little one (11 months old) started to wail loudly during the service it was a blessing as the babysitter took him home.

FatVonD

I don't personally think you should be exposing your children to that amount of raw grief (and those tiny little coffins ) If it was a grandparent that had led a full and happy life then maybe but I attended the funeral of a childhood friend who was murdered (in her 30s) and I wouldn't wish my child to see the kind of grief experienced (and expressed) by her parents at the funeral

Armchair23

Your kids need to know that their new cousins won't be arriving. But as they haven't met them and had a chance to form a bond I think they will be more worried about you and their Auntie being upset than the missing babies.
You obviously have to tell them, but at their ages I don't think they'll be worried about the missing babies just sad and confused about the grown ups they know and love being sad and tearful.
Young kids have a remarkable resilience it these situations, please don't be nervous about talking to them. Instead be prepared for some quite weird questions about what has happened.
Please accept my condolences for such a very sad event in your family.

bylromarha

So sorry for the loss of your nephews.

You know your kids best. How do you think they will cope? Do you think they will be able to see aunty so distraught and not want to fix her (children often want to make things better)? Do you think you will feel comfortable to grieve with the kids there or will you need to remain in the mum role? Only questions you know the answer to.

Personally, I think if it is the first funeral that the children are to attend, there are better first funerals to attend, if that doesn't sound coarse. (Sorry) The funeral of a baby - a child may start to have nightmares about their own mortality as they realise children die too. With the funeral of an adult, children can reason it that adults live a long life then they die, and doesn't personalise it so much for them.

I do think children should be at funerals as I think they need to say goodbye too, but I don't think a funeral for stillborn twins is the best for your kids long term to deal with their loss, think it would cause more problems for them than ways to deal with their grief, assuming they have never been to a funeral.

*Robin*

So sorry to hear of your sister's very sad loss.

Please ask her - or her hubby - whether she would find the presence of other small children a comfort, or unbearable for her at the service..

Talking helps.

j.e.j.

*Robin* wrote: »

So sorry to hear of your sister's very sad loss.

Please ask her - or her hubby - whether she would find the presence of other small children a comfort, or unbearable for her at the service..

Talking helps.

So sorry for your loss

Yes, just to echo the above, how would your sister feel about young children being there? Also, at 5 and 9 will they be able to cope with the grief that losing two babies will bring out in the adults around them.

moomoomama27

That's so sad, you have my sympathy

Personally I don't shield my children from death, they have been to funerals of family members. When my Nan passed away my DD's were 4 and 9 and both went, they were both fine, but we did have someone on standby to whip them out if they found it too much.

It's a personal decision, I don't think there's a wrong or right, it's up to the individual and family.

cheeks

Thank you all so much for replying and for your kind words and thoughts.
I'm not really sure how much they understand. When i told DS he cried for a few mins, then carried on with his day as usual. When i told DD she just said "oh, thats a shame, i was looking forward to seeing them" and then skipped away.
I think, because they never got to see them 'in person', that perhaps they haven't really been touched by it like the adults have.
I've got 2 other sisters as well, both with children. We've had a brief chat about whether it would benefit the children at all but we're all at a bit of a loss, this is all new to us. We lost our Dad 7yrs ago but at that time there were only 3 children in the family, 2 of them were 2yrs old and the other was 5yrs old, and as they'd known their grandad it seemed right for them to be there, but as FatVonD says, the raw grief is going to magnified a billion times being that they are tiny babies.
Thats a good idea about taking a close friend, but in all honesty i don't have any friends that i'm that close to. If i ever need anyone my mum or sisters are always there for me, and obviously we're all going to be there together.