Am I being unreasonable

pearl123

It appears that his wife is not happy with the situation. If she continues to feel left alone and neglected - I'd say the is a fair chance she'll find a man who will be there for her!

DVardysShadow

13000 wrote: »

Hiya,

Wow, thanks everyone for the many responses.

To clear things up, no I didn't have this job till (fairly) recently. However it was not a choice I really had. It was the first suitable job I got offered that is relatively local. I mean I could have gotten a job in London and then my wife would only see me on a Friday, Saturday and Sunday morning, and with cost of everything in London, it would have been less money in my pocket! So this is the lesser of two evils in my mind.

As for the money, it is a lot different, I will just say that. it has paid for a lot of stuff we simply couldn't afford before, i.e. remodeling the house, exotic holidays etc. Also I have paid off most of her credit cards etc that she accrued herself as well as allowing her to buy stuff she would like. It partly pays for her car, her other spends as well.

Regards the flights over, it is not something I had ever really thought about to be honest. It may well be worth mentioning it and seeing if its possible. A little mini break half way through or something. Good call!

As for me being selfish with "I I I", sure, I do enjoy it. However if the boot was on the other foot I really don't mind.

I am more interested in your wife's take on all of this and the processes by which she is engaged in decision making and review of outcomes.

The situation which comes to my mind is the colleague who went abroad on a placement for 2 years, with perhaps 6 months accompanied by family. His wife came back, because she hated it. He came back. Then he was asked to go back for an extension contract, which he accepted and about a week before he went, his wife committed suicide. He delayed his departure, went back out and married a local girl.

Now make of it what you will. But my take on it is that if the other half is not happy and this cannot be resolved, and the one travelling is insisting on getting their way, then it is far kinder to divorce the one staying than let a situation develop of the kind I witnessed. Not that I think it is right to divorce on these grounds.

RacyRed

13000 wrote: »

Hiya,

I haven't deleted any posts. I don't know why anyone would think I have? Can you share this insight with us ?

There have been a lot of strong conflicting opinions on this but yes I have gathered some good things out of it, or at least food for thought. As for the boss, not my type I am afraid. All I said is that its nice to have a good one. You don't realise that till you have a badun.

Please feel free to continue discussing but if it continues to get more and more aggressive from some quarters, I may well just ask for the thread to be closed. I came here for assistance and alternative viewpoints, not to be lambasted.

What I am trying to do is work out a happy medium. Leaving the job or saying no isn't really an option. Cutting down may be.

No-one is suggesting that there is anything going on between you and your boss but are you being really careful to avoid giving your wife the impression that she doesn't measure up to your job/boss? Has your job become your raison d'etre without you realising it? How would you feel if the situation were to be reversed?

You are not being lambasted, you are being given other angles on the situation. Please don't close your mind to things you may be uncomfortable reading. Thinking about them now may save a lot of heartache later.

Mojisola

RacyRed wrote: »

Please don't close your mind to things you may be uncomfortable reading. Thinking about them now may save a lot of heartache later.

If your marriage is as important to you as your job is, it's vital that you look at all the viewpoints.

I think your job sounds wonderful. It sounds interesting and well-paid with lots of variety and excitement and plenty of appreciation as you fix problems and get people back to work and save the company money.

I've been in a similar situation when my husband worked away Monday to Friday. It was different for me in that we had young children but that was also restricting. It meant I was very tied to the home.

Your wife doesn't have that restriction. She can get out and meet people which should give her the opportunity to make her own life but it will also give her the chance to meet someone else. If she's unhappy at home, she may meet someone else who will give her time and attention which she doesn't seem to feel she's getting from you.

I know of several marriages which broke up because the husbands were working all hours in order to provide for the family and didn't hear what their wives were saying when they said they wanted time with their husbands rather than more money.

poet123

It is a hard one, and very much down to the two individuals involved to find out what compromise will work for them. It is good that you are acknowledging there is a problem and asking for help to resolve it.

My husband travels extensively and when the kids were younger I would have gone mad without the support I got from my mother and father. He did try not to miss important family events though, even if that sometimes meant travelling at odd times or after having done a full day in the office. He also never took on the longer trips if he could delegate them. We had to compromise and find what suited us, and when the kids got older if possible I travelled with him, and still do. It can be hard to be left behind whilst your partner is off to exotic places, but often the reality of their day is just sight of the inside of another office, wherever that may be located.

That said, I know of a few couples who have split up over this kind of issue, and travel need not be involved. Being married to a workaholic who eats sleeps and breathes work is the same, whether they are in Manchester or Manhattan. Money is not everything, togetherness and family time are important, often, men especially, don't realise that till it is too late.

BWZN93

January20 wrote: »

Before telling a poster not to be daft, you should really try and understand their post!

OP, I think your wife is being pathetic. She is an adult and therefore she is responsible for her own well being. She must have known when you took the job that a) you had very little options (recession anyone?) and b) what the job would entail (I'm sure you got a job description).

I think she is probably feeling left out because her life is not as exciting as yours and she's probably a little jealous because you are really enjoying your job and perhaps not showing that you miss her company as much as she misses yours. Perhaps her life is a little mundane and not so satisfactory but it's up to her to do something about it.

And yes I am a woman. And yes I agree with suited_aces that if the OP had been a woman, many of the replies would have been that she was being controlled by an unreasonable husband, who shouldn't try and stop her career progression.

In this case, here is a husband who enjoys his (traditional) role as the bread winner for the family, has a good job and he gets told that he shouldn't put his job before his marriage? What should he do, give up and get a minimum wage job and get in debt to pay for the luxuries? Go on benefits?

Hallelujah. I was sitting reading this thread and wondering if everyone was just going to man bash the OP for not being sensitive enough to his wife's demands.

Forgive me if i'm wrong, but not everything in life has to be about marriage either. A well rounded person is entitled to have a job they enjoy, it makes going to do it every day that little bit easier, and if its well paid, then, mate, i'm really pleased for you. You are one of the lucky ones that get to feel challenged and motivated in your daily working life, rather than just going to a dull workplace in whatever is close by just to earn a few pennies. Nothing is more soul destroying, trust me, ive also been there.

I am one of those women who wouldn't have a problem with my partner being away. I do it for my job, and you think id quit to stay at home with a guy who begged me not to go on deployments? Not on your life. Not in a million years. The idea of travelling for work around the world and getting a massive buzz from my job keeps me sane, and more importantly, gives me a sense of purpose. I would actively encourage my partner to take the trips, because I know myself how important it is to be happy at work.

Whilst I don't wish to make assumptions, my best guess is that the wife is indeed either quite insecure/jealous/bored by herself. I can well imagine that if I was unfulfilled at work and didn't have much of my own life going on, then its easy to fall into the trap of expecting a partner to be around 24/7 to make me happy.

However, ultimately, all of this on here doesn't really matter. She clearly has a problem and its down to the OP to talk to her, without trying to influence her to seeing it from OP's point of view, and find out what are the real root causes of her distress, then work on ways of alleviating it, and maybe finding compromises that allow you to continue your work and for her to find ways to enjoy it too.

At the end of the day, if she is really extremely distressed by it for reasons that seem almost irrational, maybe she needs counselling. You may not indeed be around one day and she'll have to get used to standing on her own two feet at some point - better now than much later.

J x

FBaby

It has nothing to do with being reasonable or not, it is about your wife being unhappy. Do you think that if you tell her long enough that she is unreasonable (and strangers on an internet forum are agreeing with me), that she will cheer up and say 'yes darling, you are right, I will make an effort and be happy now that I understand I am unreasonable...' Highly likely to happen is it?

As an anecdote, my partner find himself in a similar situation. The travel wasn't abroad, but he took a position miles away (kind of no choice, but also a good career opportunity) and he stayed there during the week but for Wednesdays (and back weekends). At the time, he was 'young' and proud of his career. He and his wife were madly in love and having wooed her and spend £20K on the perfect wedding, thought he had done his job and could concentrate on his career... She probably tried to let him know she wasn't happy with his being away, he chose to ignore it, and the inevitable happened, she ended up having an affair and left him...totally gobsmacked not understanding what had happened and thinking being a horrible selfish person.

We met 3 years ago and he had time to mature and understand that he wasn't totally innocent in what happened. Recently, he has been unsatisfied with his job, so when he was headhunted, he was quite pleased, but the job meant he would have to travel all over a big part of England, requiring regular nights away. He did ask me how I would feel about it and I did say to him that I couldn't tell him for sure, but I would think it would most likely end up being a problem, not so much because of his being away, but because he has a very active life with sports and friends and I would have to share his time when he is home with his friends and his mountain bike. I did say that it was his decision though because I understood how his current work situation affected him. In the end, he decided not to take the job because he wasn't prepared to lose me over a job. I think haven't gone from a very buzzing position to one that doesn't motivate him (not de-promoted just differnt type of role), he learnt that no job is worth jeopardizing a good loving relation, family and friends.

Mojisola

jw1096 wrote: »

Hallelujah. I was sitting reading this thread and wondering if everyone was just going to man bash the OP for not being sensitive enough to his wife's demands.

However, ultimately, all of this on here doesn't really matter. She clearly has a problem and its down to the OP to talk to her, without trying to influence her to seeing it from OP's point of view, and find out what are the real root causes of her distress, then work on ways of alleviating it, and maybe finding compromises that allow you to continue your work and for her to find ways to enjoy it too.

I don't think most posts are bashing 13000 - I think most are saying what you've said here.

Both need to talk to each other and really hear what the other is saying and decide what is most important in their lives. It might be that the job is more important to 13000 than the relationship if he's forced to choose. It might be that some very simple changes will make both happy.

It's no good going into the discussions with the stance "I'm earning loads of money for you to spend so you shouldn't be complaining" or "I'm stuck at home while you have an exciting life so I want you to stay here".

If both sides can start off from the stance "Things aren't 100% right at the moment. How can we improve things?" they will have a chance at keeping the relationship going if that's the best thing for them. It might be that the eventual best result for both of them is that 13000 carries on with his job and his wife finds some stay-at-home man who will be with her most of the time.

persa

jw1096 wrote: »

A well rounded person is entitled to have a job they enjoy [...] I am one of those women who wouldn't have a problem with my partner being away. [...] The idea of travelling for work around the world and getting a massive buzz from my job keeps me sane, and more importantly, gives me a sense of purpose. [...] my best guess is that the wife is indeed either quite insecure/jealous/bored by herself. I can well imagine that if I was unfulfilled at work and didn't have much of my own life going on, then its easy to fall into the trap of expecting a partner to be around 24/7 to make me happy.

You could be happy at work and your partner could be happy at work, but that doesn't necessarily make you happy together, as a couple!

A well rounded person is entitled to have a job they enjoy, but if that person is half of a couple, that person needs to also consider the impact of that job on their OH and manage it accordingly. I'm not suggesting the OP gives up a job that he obviously enjoys, but I think he should take into account his wife's feelings a bit more and discuss with her what they can both do to make his business trips more bearable for her.

I've already suggested flying her out to spend weekends with him - another idea might be to not have a quick chat on Skype every night, but to make time for one longer and more meaningful call at the end of the week.

Bottom line is, the OP's wife doesn't have a problem, the OP and his wife do.

lostinrates

hmm. I'm a dependant wife whose husband both works away mon-fri and has worked in a diff country from me for a year or so and who might be planning to do this again in the near future.

the thing I find hardest is the unpredictailty of the work schedule: I sactually find the living apart mon-fri easier than the ''will he won't he be home for supper on Thursday night'' and cancelled arrangements with friends last minute because he has to work.


Marriage IS a compromise, e.g. dh's family all moved more permanantly to US where they had only one foot before we met. I'm fairly certain had dh not been in a relationship with me the chances of him moving there full time would have been much higher (and indeed, its lately been raised as an option for us both again) but in that compromise we both see the benefits. In fact, in many ways me more than dh. I get to stay in our home which has the potential to be a nicer home because dh's job means we can afford to live here and do it up a bit. I don't have to earn a living which means I can remain somewhat flexible to be with dh when he is off. Because we have lots of pets I can't just whizz off to join him whereever and when ever, but I do arrange to go sometimes.

OP, does your wife have local frineds/family for helping with normal domestic disasters (a benefit of marriage is usually that you have someone to help if there is weather damage, a break in etc etc and losing that is, for me, harder than delaing with it alone as a singleton) if not it might be worth trying to come to an arrangement with someone, or even your work to arrnage cover for this sort of thing.

I am without doubt my cosmopolitan husband would find it somewhat less stimulating not having the international aspect to his work, but then I also feel totally able to trust him, one of the first things he does is establish a way for us to communicate (we had a horrid time in autumn last year when he was posted somewhere very quickly and couldn't access skype, so we ran up a little pohone bill and he bought phone cards, but it was difficult). There is little doubt in my mind I would find it harder if I felt my husband was untrustworthy or not thinking of me. I get a small momento of where he's been usually and sometimes a little gift by post, and postcards...I know he misses me while he's away.