Am I being unreasonable

VfM4meplse

Errata wrote: »

It seems to me that if the travelling was happening before the marriage then the wife accepted it, if it happened after the marriage there was an opportunity for the wife not to agree to it, negotiate and arrive at a solution acceptable to both of them.

Yes, but the spending was happening before the new job, and the OP's wife has obviously enjoyed the financial benefits.

13000 wrote: »

As for the money, it is a lot different, I will just say that. it has paid for a lot of stuff we simply couldn't afford before, i.e. remodeling the house, exotic holidays etc. Also I have paid off most of her credit cards etc that she accrued herself as well as allowing her to buy stuff she would like. It partly pays for her car, her other spends as well.

13000 wrote: »

Regards the flights over, it is not something I had ever really thought about to be honest. It may well be worth mentioning it and seeing if its possible. A little mini break half way through or something

You sound fairly well-entrenched in your role. It's not going to be a mini-break for her if you're on-call 24/7, and talk about work non-stop when you're not!

I think your wife needs to cultivate a fuller life of her own, and for you both to agree that your time together is protected to make the most of it. That means she takes complete responsibility for the maintenance of your home whilst you're away, and that you entrust her with paying the bills. Skype calls should be used to specificially ask about her day, what she wants to do during your limited time together. If you don't make her feel that she is as important to you as she is, then she seek a relationship elsewhere, vows or no vows.

suited-aces

It's be easier if you were the female in all this OP, then everybody would be telling you to ditch the controlling sexist pig trying to hold you back in your career.

mountainofdebt

But OP can't you see that this such a male way of thing

If this role is a relatively new one, how did you sell it to her ? Were you honest about the amount of traveling that it entailed - or was it a done deal and she had to lump it?

Sure you've been able to have nice holidays and redo the house but at what cost ? Your wife is crying for goodness sake for you not to go and you think she's over reacting? Yes she might 'get a life of her own' but be careful that that life doesn't include you.

mountainofdebt

suited-aces wrote: »

It's be easier if you were the female in all this OP, then everybody would be telling you to ditch the controlling sexist pig trying to hold you back in your career.

Don't so bloody daft.

the op is hardly controlling or sexist; in my view the OP (regardless of sex) is making the mistake of assuming that just because they are bring home lots of bacon, the partner should be happy with them being away from home for months at a time

determined_new_ms

No answer to this really except that the you two of you need to sit down and thrash out a compromise that works for you both. Would you have regrets if it destroyed your marriage? Are you happy in the marriage other than this? Marriage is a compromise and both parties need to get enough of what they need for it to endure - and none of us on this site knows what that is! I recently did some training on influencing & negotiating. The key being going into a discussion with a clear idea of the issues but with an open mind to what the solution is and find it together. Too often we go into a discussion with the solution we want and don't see things from the other's point of view which causes frustration.

Incidently I have a friend and her other half works away in another country for around 5 months a year, they have just had a baby but it works for them. I on the other hand wouldn't be able to make a relationship work like this, but different strokes for different folks. Hope you both find a way to make it work

Empty_pockets

Suited you are right.

OP, difficult choice. I also work away from home but only for a week or so. Reason I do it is for the money, simple.

Only job I could get at home would be NMW and my quality of life would be so poor it's not worth doing.

Also consider if she is the type to stick round when the money is gone. Don't take offence at that, applies to both sexes.

Marisco

TBH from what the op writes, it doesn't sound as if it's too excessive!! He's going to Singapore for two months, then not going to America for a month 'till July!! And Europe 4 times a year. So assume Singapore is January, he'll be home in March until July! Unless he gets called out before then. Does your wife work?

January20

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Don't so bloody daft.

the op is hardly controlling or sexist; in my view the OP (regardless of sex) is making the mistake of assuming that just because they are bring home lots of bacon, the partner should be happy with them being away from home for months at a time

Before telling a poster not to be daft, you should really try and understand their post!

OP, I think your wife is being pathetic. She is an adult and therefore she is responsible for her own well being. She must have known when you took the job that a) you had very little options (recession anyone?) and b) what the job would entail (I'm sure you got a job description).

I think she is probably feeling left out because her life is not as exciting as yours and she's probably a little jealous because you are really enjoying your job and perhaps not showing that you miss her company as much as she misses yours. Perhaps her life is a little mundane and not so satisfactory but it's up to her to do something about it.

And yes I am a woman. And yes I agree with suited_aces that if the OP had been a woman, many of the replies would have been that she was being controlled by an unreasonable husband, who shouldn't try and stop her career progression.

In this case, here is a husband who enjoys his (traditional) role as the bread winner for the family, has a good job and he gets told that he shouldn't put his job before his marriage? What should he do, give up and get a minimum wage job and get in debt to pay for the luxuries? Go on benefits?

suited-aces

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Don't so bloody daft.

the op is hardly controlling or sexist; in my view the OP (regardless of sex) is making the mistake of assuming that just because they are bring home lots of bacon, the partner should be happy with them being away from home for months at a time

January20 wrote: »

Before telling a poster not to be daft, you should really try and understand their post!

My fault, I worded it poorly. If the OP was a woman going away to work for a few months, with her fella crying and asking her not to go, and no children involved, the consensus would be he was trying to hold her back, leave him, etc etc.

RacyRed

OP, to me, the way this and your other recent posts read is that, at the moment you are more than a little in love with your new job and also seem to be a little besotted with your new female boss?

Why exactly is your wife crying? Have you really spent time trying to understand? Is she worrying that you are not just leaving her behind in the physical sense but emotionally as well? Are you making sure that your time with her is spent enjoying being a couple or are you still at the stage where you cannot stop talking about how wonderful your new job and boss are, even during your newly limited time at home?

You have told us so very little about your wife, other than she should be grateful for your new earnings capacity and how much she is clouding your current blue skies. Exactly how does your company "look after her" in your absence? I found that term very strange.

Perhaps you are currently investing a little too much in your job and not enough in your marriage? Hotel rooms can quickly become very lonely places to be, or do you travel as part of a team? Perhaps you need to adjust the balance a little.