Am I being unreasonable

Legacy_user

Hiya,

I'd just like to get some other opinions on this. I work for a large company and I am often called upon to travel in my role as a troubleshooter. For example I previously got called to go to the West Coast USA for 2 months. Now I am being called upon to spend 2 months in Singapore. This on top of European travel at the rate of once a quarter or so.

In July I will be going back to the US for a month.

Now my wife gets all distressed and begs me not to go. It's not like I don't leave her well provisioned and all the bills paid, as well as daily Skype calls. The company also look after her in my absence as well.

We have no kids so it's not that. I view it as an interesting trip, getting paid to go around the world and do troubleshooting. It's not an opportunity that a lot of people get.

I think she also fails to realise when you are playing at this level, you are never really off call. If we loose a system, downtime can be measured in the high 5 to 6 figure sums per hour. I get moaned at for working too much. The extra working is also paid

I understand she may miss me when I am gone but i'm building a career and having a good time doing so. It's what I signed up for. It's this that pays for the goodies we buy.

So my questions are:

Am I being unfair or unreasonable ?

How can I make her understand my point of view (or at least accept it is valid and I can hardly turn round and say "Sorry, my wife doesn't want me to go")

Any ideas to lessen the impact ?

Barneysmom

Well, you could stop putting your career before your marriage?
it sounds like your prefer the life as a single man to me and I'm a stranger, so how must she feel?

merlot123

Did you do this job before you married?

I personally wouldn't mind my husband working away for a few months at a time and I have two children (OH currently works away a few days a week in the UK).

Maybe your wife gets lonely. Is this it? I don't have time to get lonely with the children, 2 cats and an indoor rabbit and endless other things I need to do on a daily basis.

I do not think you are being unreasonable, you are working hard and if that means you have to work away then so be it. A couple of million other people would love your job who are unemployed.

Brighton_belle

Well, I also ask if you were working in this type of job before you were marrried? InIf yes, she is being a little unfair, though I understand she must miss you very much.
If however, your lifestyle has completely changed since you married , I can understand her distress more.
Many service wives deal with these sorts of absenses and accept it is part and parcel the the career their husband chose (not that that makes it easy I am sure).

I don't think changing career at this point is the answer and you sound like you absolutely love it. How do you see your life together panning out in the next 5 years, especially with regard to having children?

Hagar_uk

been there done that, now single, My ex ended up thinking that I thought work was more important than her, she got pally with her ex while I was away as she was lonely. That kind of job is a single mans game IMHO, my ex wanted me, not the money my job gave me.

The more trips like this you do for your employer the more they will ask of you.

I regret everyday my travels now

13000 wrote: »

Hiya,

I'd just like to get some other opinions on this. I work for a large company and I am often called upon to travel in my role as a troubleshooter. For example I previously got called to go to the West Coast USA for 2 months. Now I am being called upon to spend 2 months in Singapore. This on top of European travel at the rate of once a quarter or so.

In July I will be going back to the US for a month.

Now my wife gets all distressed and begs me not to go. It's not like I don't leave her well provisioned and all the bills paid, as well as daily Skype calls. The company also look after her in my absence as well.

We have no kids so it's not that. I view it as an interesting trip, getting paid to go around the world and do troubleshooting. It's not an opportunity that a lot of people get.

I think she also fails to realise when you are playing at this level, you are never really off call. If we loose a system, downtime can be measured in the high 5 to 6 figure sums per hour. I get moaned at for working too much. The extra working is also paid

I understand she may miss me when I am gone but i'm building a career and having a good time doing so. It's what I signed up for. It's this that pays for the goodies we buy.

So my questions are:

Am I being unfair or unreasonable ?

How can I make her understand my point of view (or at least accept it is valid and I can hardly turn round and say "Sorry, my wife doesn't want me to go")

Any ideas to lessen the impact ?

BugglyB

Its just a guess but perhaps its not what you do but the attitude you have towards it? When she cries do you get exasperated or do you comfort her?

Its natural for her to be upset if you're going away. I would be concerned if she just yelled 'see you later' and didn't give it a second thought!

Or is it more than that? In which case can you sit down with her and listen to how she feels - perhaps she has to look at whether she would genuinely prefer less money and for you to be at home more. Could you come to a compromise with less travelling, or by saying, I will do this for the next two years then get a domestic posting.

Whatever you do you're on dodgy marital ground if you're seeing your wifes emotions as the obstacle to your happiness.

torbrex

Take her with you!

aliasojo

I too wondered if she could go with you. Seems the best solution if possible.

Seanymph

No man ever says on his death bed 'I wish I'd spent more time at the office'.

Quote from Rob Parsons.

I guess you and her have different life priorities - she wants quality time with people she loves, you want to bank money. The two don't mix really.

Tigsteroonie

merlot123 wrote: »

Did you do this job before you married?

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Well, I also ask if you were working in this type of job before you were marrried? InIf yes, she is being a little unfair, though I understand she must miss you very much.
If however, your lifestyle has completely changed since you married , I can understand her distress more.

But what if it was career progression? Ten years in the home office before being promoted to the job that includes travel around the world? And perhaps that's a necessary step before a director-ship based back at home?

OP, how much does she benefit from this job, does it come with a high salary, does she like the large house that you live in (if you do), does she like wearing designer clothes (as opposed to Primarni) ... Also, does she work and does she have a good social support network of her own? Could be she's just bored and lonely.

Sambucus_Nigra

13000 wrote: »

I view it as an interesting trip, getting paid to go around the world and do troubleshooting. It's not an opportunity that a lot of people get.

I understand she may miss me when I am gone but i'm building a career and having a good time doing so. It's what I signed up for. It's this that pays for the goodies we buy

How can I make her understand my point of view

What about understanding it from hers? You have an interesting job which takes you away from her dull life for months at a time.

So...if she wasn't moaning about it, then you should be worried. As it would mean that she had found something else to be doing whilst you were away.

Can you not [with all your money you get for this] pay for extra flights, even if it was just [for example] a week or so during the US trips?