Am I being unreasonable

newbie2010

My brother is in this very situation. He is a director for a large media company and often travels to europe or the states. He was in this position long before he married and therefore his wife knew of the situation before she committed. That is one factor to take into account.
Is it not possible for your wife to spend all or some of the time with you when you are out the country? Even if your company wont pay for this I doubt this would be an issue for you to pay for given your wage.
This is something you and your wife need to talk about but you have to see that a house and paid bills does not replace a person you love being there. Don't get stressed with her as being a woman I understand how this would feel but I also understand it from your point of view.

mountainofdebt

I can't believe the posters who've suggested that the OP asks his wife to imagine what life would be like without the designer house / salary etc.

!!!!!! I would have hoped (and by her responses) that she married the OP because she loved him and not his bank balance and that she wanted to cuddle up to him and not have long distance telephone calls for months on end.

tbh OP you seem to look forward to spend time travelling -do you actually love your wife? How the hell would you feel if she really needed you (family crisis etc?) and you were off on the other side of the world?

As for comparing the OP's wife to service wives then that really doesn't equate.......service wives tend to live on the same base, their menfolk are all off together so they can share the experience (if that makes sense) - how would you feel if your wife's mate kept wanting her to go out just because the mate's OH was away all the time?

Oh and saying its wonderful expereince, OP, do you actually get to see any of the countries that you visit or are you an expert just on their airports/hotels?

System

Hiya,

Wow, thanks everyone for the many responses.

To clear things up, no I didn't have this job till (fairly) recently. However it was not a choice I really had. It was the first suitable job I got offered that is relatively local. I mean I could have gotten a job in London and then my wife would only see me on a Friday, Saturday and Sunday morning, and with cost of everything in London, it would have been less money in my pocket! So this is the lesser of two evils in my mind.

As for the money, it is a lot different, I will just say that. it has paid for a lot of stuff we simply couldn't afford before, i.e. remodeling the house, exotic holidays etc. Also I have paid off most of her credit cards etc that she accrued herself as well as allowing her to buy stuff she would like. It partly pays for her car, her other spends as well.

Regards the flights over, it is not something I had ever really thought about to be honest. It may well be worth mentioning it and seeing if its possible. A little mini break half way through or something. Good call!

As for me being selfish with "I I I", sure, I do enjoy it. However if the boot was on the other foot I really don't mind.

CH27

Does your wife work?
Does she have friends & family around to support her?

When you return home do you expect her to drop everything & you dictate what happens when you are home?

Mojisola

13000 wrote: »

Now my wife gets all distressed and begs me not to go. It's not like I don't leave her well provisioned and all the bills paid, as well as daily Skype calls. The company also look after her in my absence as well.

It sounds like a common misunderstanding between archetypal male and female thinking. You're confident you have made sure all the practical issues have been dealt with; she just wants someone there to share all the little day-to-day things with.

If you don't sit down and talk about it and sort it out, I can't see the relationship lasting.

Alikay

My husband also has a very demanding job which takes him away from home a lot, and the global element of it means he gets calls at all hours including holidays and weekends. He is however very well paid, and most importantly loves his job so we deal with it the best we can.

Firstly, we always make sure we do nice things together - holidays, day trips, family over for meals etc. His time off is precious, so for example when we decorated the hall, stairs and landing (which included 12 doors to be glossed) we paid someone to do it, as we couldn't justify a week or more of his annual leave being used to do it.

We also keep in close contact while he is away. Whether he's in China or USA we arrange a time to talk which works for both of us and chat daily. We email as he loves to hear about our everyday life when he's away. It sounds old fashioned, but he really appreciates me packing for him and says it makes him feel cared for when he takes out a neatly folded shirt packed with coordinating tie from his case. Likewise I feel HE still cares about me when he's filled my car with petrol and cleaned the kids football boots before flying off!

It has meant my career took a nosedive when we married and was kicked to the floor once the children came along, but he's always been careful to make me aware how worthwhile my contribution has been. Now our children are grown up we foster under-10's which we couldn't do if we didn't have a big house and healthy salary courtesy of his job!

Really the OP needs to talk to his wife and work out what specifically upsets her about his absences: Does she want children, or is she worried about being alone when they're little? Does her work involve shifts which mean you get little time together even when you're not travelling? Really, from what you say, your trips away don't seem excessive to me, but then DH was in the Army when we first married and is out of the country over a third of his working life.

Errata

It seems to me that if the travelling was happening before the marriage then the wife accepted it, if it happened after the marriage there was an opportunity for the wife not to agree to it, negotiate and arrive at a solution acceptable to both of them. I'm afraid 'getting all distressed' doesn't cut it with me and, having been in the same position as the wife, I would have felt utterly humiliated if my OH's company were 'looking after me' in my OH's absence, and I wasn't sharing with him the responsibility of ensuring bills were paid in his absence.

jetplane

Alikay thank you, your post is all about WE and that is in such contrast to the OP.

Mojisola

jetplane wrote: »

Alikay thank you, your post is all about WE and that is in such contrast to the OP.

That comes over very strongly.

13000 and his wife need to start acting like a team - discussing what they each want out of life and finding ways to achieve it.

doodoot

OP, I can't believe that you hadn't thought of arranging for your wife to join you when you are away. :eek:

I suspect from your initial post that you were expecting people to agree that she's being selfish, considering how much money you bring in.

You are thinking about the cash enabling you to have luxuries, and your job allowing you to go here and everywhere and not have any of the everyday drudge of a 9-5 job.

Your wife on the other hand is thinking that yes, the luxuries are nice...but there's no-one at home to snuggle up to in bed.

Look at the roles you both have in this marriage - you're hardly at home because you're off on exciting adventures and bring money in, she's sat at home waiting for a skype call.

You need to find a compromise otherwise you will come home to an empty house one day.