sister doesnt want her child HELP!!

rainbowrisin

I'm really sorry if I'm being bang out of order, but is there no way that someone can talk some sense to your sister that she would listen to?

Whether she wants to walk away from her son or not, he's still her son. He loves his mummy. He's done nothing wrong. He's a child !!!!!!.

If she walks away from her son she has to live with that. It may not worry her now, but surely it will bother her at some time in the future that she's going down this route.

Is there a man on the scene who could talk sense to her? Is there anyone who she admires who might convince her to at least have some sort of positive contact with her son, even if it's on an arranged and occasional basis?

As other posters have said, your mum needs to formalise the relationship she has with her grandson, as at least someone is fighting his corner.

Do not mean to be unsympathetic to your plight, and my heart goes out to you and your family. I do find it quite hard to read a post like yours and not think of my own littlies (who I love more than anything else in the world) and imagine how they'd feel if mummy told them she couldn't be bothered with them anymore.

I hope you find a solution that works for that dear little boy.

dobs

I haven't got any different advice from what you've been told. But i just think that if your sister resents her little lad this much then hes better off with his nan, at least she is quite a young nan too ,and perhaps if it can all be sorted out could help lift her depression to some extent if your sister was the cause.My little lads nearly 5yrs and they can understand so much and feel so much at that age that hes better off not being with a mum who can't give him the love and security that he needs.They're not daft and they know who likes them and who doesnt.If hes with his nan who does give him that love and care, and has support from you and his visits from his dad continue, then he will be better off in the long run i think. Good luck and my heart goes out to you all.Big hugs to your little nephew.

kez1234

i don't think she is a bad person she is depressed and depression can make you do and say things you wouldn't usually, it sounds like she needs help. i mean more help than the anti depressants they are probably doing her more harm than good anyway, how is her son in all this???? is there no family member to look after him and show him that mom's ill and she needs a rest for a while maybe that might help, but she does really need help, talk to her doctor, see if he/she can do something because if she gives him up while she is depressed then gets herself better again she will end up back depressed once she realises what she has done.

Mado

I can't believe social services wouldn't try as hard as they can to leave him with a family who loves him and is prepared to look after him.
Maybe it will become easier for you Mum as well as she won't worry about your sister being an inadequate mother. And who knows, maybe one day she will grow up and love him, just a bit.

Just don't give up on the child. It's probably hard enough for him to feel rejected.

nats3006

there is no way she would listen to anyone in all this she has made her mind up and you can tell her and tell her and she knows she is doing bad but she says she cant help the way she feels and doesnt blame her son but just doesnt want him growing up feeling rejected by her so its best if she gets away now she said! yes there is a man on the scene now we dont really know if its to do with him and he doesnt really bother about children and doesnt seem to care! we think it would be best for her not to see him at all than keep walking in and out of his life because the sort of person that she is she would see him once and not turn up for months or even years! yes i know you probably think we are letting her get away with it scot free but we have tried to call her bluff she called me tonight and i said i couldnt take him to school just to see her reply and hers was surprise surprise well have you got the number for social services he can go in care! and in reply to saying how is the little boy he says he doesnt want to be with his mum he wants his nanny but also says he wants to live with me but i have my 2 children who i love more than life itself and would die for my kids as most parents would! i know deep down he is affected as tonight i went to see him and asked him to draw me a face and he draws a big scary monster maybe this is all his anger i dont know! also he has learning difficulties which i think is down to all this trouble he has seen his mum's new boyfriend beat his dad up in front of him and no nobody was there to stop this happening and all his mum comes back with is that he is a retard not that he has difficulties in his learning abilities she sees this as being !!!!!!. my mum couldnt be any better with him she has given him and helped him with so much god only knows what he would do without her i mean obviously i would be there but she is like an angel sent for him she is so good with him!
thanks again
nats

mae

All I can say is good luck and thank goodness he has your mum and you as good role models and people who will love him. One way of looking at it is although he won't have his mother he will be free of her negativity and some children in his situation would have to be placed in care so at least he is one of the lucky ones in a way (completely not trying to make light of his situation though) just trying to put a positive slant on it. And if you can come from the angle of explaining it to him that mummy is ill and that is why she couldn't care and look after him like he deserved so really she did the best thing she could for him by handing him over to people who could. If he realised its the illnesses (depression) fault and not his mums and DEFINATELY not his at least that may give him some peace of mind. I'm not saying you would but putting his mum down will not help. Some things we can't make sense of and its unfair that your mum and you should shoulder the brunt of it but I also think that although I could never imagine or contemplate giving my children away we should also be thankful we are not in the same place as hers and walking in her shoes. I don't like what she is doing but surely better that than him living with her and at the very least feeling her dislike of him let alone what else??
Good Luck to you and your mum but my advice would be to get something down legally that she can not change her mind in a year or five years and take him back suddenly without getting help (Counselling for example)and building up access and going through the proper channels. You need a full residency order which means you can sign for such things as operations while she is abroad and also claim any benefit entitlements etc ANd also as time goes on he would feel more secure knowing his grandma was his legal guardian and he was there permantly rather than a temporary measure until his mum had finished what ever she needed to do.
He is very lucky because you and your mum obviously care very much you should be proud of yourselves its not an easy thing you are doing but you'll get there and hopefully you'll reap the benefits as you see him growing into a well rounded happy little boy..

mae

Sorry just two more things when you sort out the residency you need to sort out any access on paper so its stated whats what for the boys sake so she can't be willy nilly about seeing him intermitantly and also I don't know if his school has anthing like a mentoring service or a counselling service but if it has maybe you could access this for him so he has an outlet or if not maybe talk to your doctor about the possibility of someone for him to talk to.

Morglin

As others have said, get Social Services involved.

You should also make enquiries about claiming the Child Benefit for the lad.

They will stop paying his mum, and pay your mum if this is a permanent arrangement.

There doesn't have to be any legal orders in place to do this:

http://www.hmrc.gov.uk/childbenefit/cb-key.htm

Lin

dlb

Hiya.
I too have my sisters child living with me( hes on the bottom right on my picture), he is 10 in june and has lived with me since he was 18 months old.( i like you was only 21 at the time)
My sister too didnt want him, and was messed up on drugs at the time, my mum started off by having him but couldnt cope, so he came to live with me at 18 months.
I had help from my health visitor, but i never got in touch with social services as the health visitor adviced us that we could do it within a family arrangment.
He belived me and my husband to be his mum and dad until june last year when we decided to tell him the truth.Which he took unbelivavle well.
We had his name changed to my married name with my sisters permission and had all child benifit signed into my name, also i claim csa of my sister and his real dad.Once you have child benifit in your name you can add him to tax credit claims ect or whatever benifit you are on.

It has been hard as i already had 2 boys before he came to live with us but i now have 3 sons and a dd in my eyes.
School and doctors know of the situation, and i am lucky enough to still get on with my sister (who has since had another son!!) and my ds2 (nephew) gets on with her too.
If you want to ask me anything else please pm me.
Donna
x

mae

dlb I filled up when I read your post you should be very proud of yourself and he is one lucky boy. Well done you. x