Time to Take Control

wannabee_in_credit

I can't decide whether I'm pleased or not that the forum wasn't working properly last night. I was devastated at the time because I really wanted to come on here and vent but I see that it's fine today. Instead of coming on here and venting I had a large drink, a soak in the bath and an early night.
Work is hard at the moment. I used to love my job but the last couple of weeks here have been really unpleasant. I'm crossing my fingers that this other application comes through for me. It's awful when you wake up in the morning and you really, really don't want to get up for work (not just the, it's dark and cold and I can't be bothered feeling).
Flylady has gone for this week, but it's half term next week and I intend to get caught up with it then.
Moneysaving still going really well, although I've lost my mojo for the religious tracking and diary writing this week. Still managing to have nsd's and taking good care, but haven't had time or inclination to religiously list write. I intend to get this back.
Weightwatching is plodding on - I will weigh in Sunday and see how I've done.

wannabee_in_credit

I wish I could say it's been a fantastic day but unfortunately not. OH is definitely on the verge of another psychiatric meltdown - I have him booked in at the doctors tomorrow.
I'm going to feel like a b!tch writing this, but this is my diary and I will say what I like. I HATE him having depression - it turns him into a miserable and selfish git. He didn't even bother himself to get me a Valentines card, or even make me a cup of tea, or thank me for the stuff I got for him. He just sits there, looking like the world is about to end, not giving a stuff about how his behaviour affects me and the kids. I know that he can't help feeling the way that he does, but it's very hard for those of us around him to deal with it. And unfair as well. He does so little to try and help himself. I find myself sitting here wondering if it's fair of me to have my children around him when he's like this. I don't know if I could cope if he has another meltdown - I barely scraped through it last time.
I had depression myself about 10 years ago, but worked through it and got better - and I have made sure since that my down days are just down days and not me skiing back down that hill.
I appreciate that I must sound incredibly hard, but I am angry. I sometimes need support too - I feel like a parent of 3, not like an equal partnership with a couple of kids.
His behaviour is getting to me now, and I'm starting to get angry and snappy and miserable. I'm having such a foul time at work that I need some support and reassurance, and he's not there to give it to me. I just have to keep going and get on with it. Why do I always have to be the strong one? Even the strongest of people need a cuddle and a bit of support sometimes.
Grrr

wannabee_in_credit

Time for me to stop feeling sorry for myself, man up and get on with things. Easier said than done at the moment, but I'm completely fed up of hearing the sound of my own voice moaning about how rubbish things are at the moment.
The sun is shining, I'm taking dd out to meet a friend for lunch today and I am making progress. I've had some lovely advice from friends on the dfw board, which has just made me realise that it doesn't matter if I'm not 100% all of the time. I just need to go with it when it's not good and make the most of it when it is good.
Took OH to the doctors yesterday, which was hard, but he's back on his tablets now so hopefully over the next few weeks things might look up a little. We're lucky to have such a good supportive doctor anyway.
Still not fully recovered from being completely ignored on Valentines day, but as my mum says to me - if I wasn't struggling myself at the moment it wouldn't be a big deal.
Well, half term is almost over and although I don't feel refreshed I know that once I get back to work next week I will be back on the money saving wagon. Silver linings and all that.

pennywisepoundstupid

Morning w_i_c, sorry things are rocky for you at the minute and i think anyone in your situation would feel totally fed up, you are coping amazingly, its good that your OH is back on the tablets hopefully in a couple of weeks he will start feeling a bit brighter which will make things easier for you.

Hope you have a lovely time with DD today.

wannabee_in_credit

Thanks penny. I sometimes have to remind myself that I can cope with these things life throws at me - as long as I keep going and never give up. I will stop giving myself such a hard time and start trying to enjoy myself a little.

Lemon_Tree

sending you hugs, you sound like you need them.

wannabee_in_credit

Well, morning all...
I'm sitting here with a moderate hangover and already dreading going back to work tomorrow. Still, only another 6 weeks until the Easter hols, and who knows - maybe the situation will improve there although I'm not holding my breath.
Things have improved a little over the week, OH went back to the doctors and realised that things are not as bad as he was thinking they were. He's back on his medication but has noticeably improved over the week. That's too early for tablets so he must be feeling better for having spoken to someone about it. It's a relief for me, and I hope it lasts. We went out last night for a belated Valentines meal which was quite nice, although I definitely don't have the stamina for a late night like I used to.
Have started making more wedding plans again to try and help keep me up. I've picked my ring up this week and have had lots of talk about cake and table centrepieces - still haven't gotten as far as flowers or mens suits yet, but I think we're starting to get progress on OH choosing a best man.
Fingers crossed...

Lemon_Tree

i'll keep my fingers crossed for you as well, glad your OH is improving a little.

wannabee_in_credit

Well. Have you ever felt like you're just wasting time no matter what you're doing?
I got a call at school Monday morning, inviting me to interview today. Which is incredibly short notice for teaching jobs, but I dropped everything to spend 2 days preparing for interview, and blimming heck I worked hard. Did the bare minimum at my current job, didn't even log on here for 2 days, stayed up late, neglected my home and family. And off I went for interview this morning, only to be filtered out and sent home at lunchtime. I know I shouldn't be as wound up as I am, and to be honest I'm not even sure I wanted the job there anyway, but rejection is never nice, and it feels like a hell of a lot of wasted time. I feel bad that I tried so hard and failed, and that I neglected stuff that was important to me like family, moneysaving, the kids I see every day of the week, my home.
But I'm sure I'll be fine tomorrow.
Back to it - today is first day of lent... I spent £13.50 on wine and nice food to drown my sorrows a bit but that's going to be it for this week.
I will be a fantastic moneysaver and thank my lucky stars for the fantastic things I do have in my life - my family and friends.

wannabee_in_credit

Eeek! I've realised that I'm losing my mojo with the money saving. Last week was daft because I was out of routine as on half term, and then this week has been absolutely manic, with my pointless-waste-of-time interview followed by some new pressures at work. The result is that I barely have had time to think - never mind everyday home stuff like planning meals, doing housework and not wasting things... It's only been a week but I feel horrified at how much food has gone in the bin, the fact that we've had takeaway twice and that my house looks like it's been hit by a bomb.
I need to get it back so I'm writing down everything in here and as of tomorrow, my life outside of work takes equal priority again, no matter what. I will get some housework done - I will plan and shop frugally and I will make sure that I stop being so wasteful.
It feels so good saving money - I don't want to go back to the old me. I'm going to read back through this - I know that I didn't think it would last for ever feeling good so that's why I started the diary. Hopefully it'll help...