Am I wrong in this?

londonsurrey

To accuse the OP of immature selfishness is ironically an immature and selfish reaction.

The OP has taken the high road, and left the door open to a selfish old man.
She has not poisoned her children against him, even when he continued acting in the same selfish way against them.
Even to the end, at no point was he unwelcome at her home.

He has not requested that she visit him.
She has had to mourn and reconcile to herself the loss of her father and the loss of the grandfather to her children that never was. Done painfully, quietly and with dignity.

So, what would visiting him achieve?
To show society at large that everything is ok, to give everyone the happy appearance so that all is right with the onlooker's world?

How about her and her needs? She's done her mourning.
Is exposing herself to more potential hurt, to be blanked by him or to have him deny/ignore his past actions worth it, just so that the "happy ever after" folk, some of whom have never met her, can feel better?

DUTR

princessdreamer wrote: »

I think DUTR is in some way worried of being in your fathers situation. People view things from their life experiences.

My children may one day also be where you are and they too will have to decided for themselves.

It's not fear Princess, I would not put my parents as perfect , but we can choose our friends but not family.
I would never disown my parents but that is just me, if the OP wants to fall out simply over a different viewpoint then that is up to her, not sure why she posed the question if she ain't gonna like all the answers.

anxious_mum

Thank you Londonsurrey. For one minute then I thought I was going mad and was actually at fault in all this! You have put into words exactly how I feel about this.

SailorSam

My Mum got divorced when i was only a baby, i can't even remember seeing a photo of my Dad in over 50yrs, if i was standing next to him in Tesco i wouldn't know. If he is still alive i'll certainly not be going to his funeral.
He's just a man, a total stranger.

DUTR

londonsurrey wrote: »

To accuse the OP of immature selfishness is ironically an immature and selfish reaction.

The OP has taken the high road, and left the door open to a selfish old man.
She has not poisoned her children against him, even when he continued acting in the same selfish way against them.
Even to the end, at no point was he unwelcome at her home.

He has not requested that she visit him.
She has had to mourn and reconcile to herself the loss of her father and the loss of the grandfather to her children that never was. Done painfully, quietly and with dignity.

So, what would visiting him achieve?
To show society at large that everything is ok, to give everyone the happy appearance so that all is right with the onlooker's world?

How about her and her needs? She's done her mourning.
Is it worth exposing herself to more potential hurt, to be blanked by him or to have him deny/ignore his past actions worth it, just so that the "happy ever after" folk, some of whom have never met her, can feel better?

I agree that is a very good point , the fear of rejection can be over whelming, she should do it for her not for the face of anybody else (and only if she feels that way of course, which she has made it clear she does not)

anxious_mum

Its not the answers I object to DUTR, it is your personal attack on me. I asked the question and got some really good answers back, it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one with this problem out there. I will now deal with it, but I will also thank you to stop making up assumptions about me.

londonsurrey

anxious_mum wrote: »

Thank you Londonsurrey. For one minute then I thought I was going mad and was actually at fault in all this! You have put into words exactly how I feel about this.

You're very welcome, AnxiousMum. Lots of good vibes and gentle hand squeezes to you.

DUTR

anxious_mum wrote: »

Its not the answers I object to DUTR, it is your personal attack on me. I asked the question and got some really good answers back, it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one with this problem out there. I will now deal with it, but I will also thank you to stop making up assumptions about me.

People make assumptions about people, all i can suggest is don't include the parts that others may comment on, especially if it is going to cause you offence, it is true I don't intend to offend anybody, but it would be foolish to think that everybody is going to agree on any topic matter. You are not the only one that faces this problem, for some it eats them up inside and smashes their confidence. For me I'm glad and proud I know my parents, some people do not have that luxury.

joess

I was in a similar situation as you but with a grand parent, I hadn't spoken to my Nan in about 12 years - she never sent me a card/gift for any birthdays/xmas. I just got on with life.

I then heard she had cancer and was dying and wanted to meet me, I didn't really want to go but my parents pressured me into it so eventually I went.

She was frail and very bitter and basically moaned about everything! How fat I was (I was about 9 stone!) and what a rubbish granddaughter I was!

I regret going to this day, I wish I'd never gone, she was a nasty piece of work when she ceased contact and was until the day she died. By going I felt like she thought I'd forgiven her - which I hadn't.

I didn't go to the funeral and I haven't thought about her again (I think it's about 10 years she's been dead) until I just read this.

My advice? Go with your gut instinct - it'll be the right choice.

DUTR

joess wrote: »

I was in a similar situation as you but with a grand parent, I hadn't spoken to my Nan in about 10 years - she never sent me a card/gift for any birthdays/xmas. I just got on with life.

I then heard she had cancer and was dying and wanted to meet me, I didn't really want to go but my parents pressured me into it so eventually I went.

She was frail and very bitter and basically moaned about how fat I was (I was about 9 stone!) and what a rubbish granddaughter I was!

I regret going to this day, I wish I'd never gone, she was a nasty piece of work when she ceased contact and was until the day she died. By going I felt like she thought I'd forgiven her - which I hadn't.

I didn't go to the funeral and I haven't thought about her until I just read this.

My advice? Go with your gut instinct - it'll be the right choice.

Thanks for sharing that traumatic expeience with us.
I'm not sure though the role of a grandparent is to send cards and gifts