Am I wrong in this?

RAS

I did not go to the hospital or the funeral. The situation was a bit more complex but my decision made things as bit hard with one of my siblings for a while. We have worked through it.

For us the difficulty was round accepting that we had very different fathers, before the split and afterwards. And for geographic reason my sibling renewed contact (enough years passed praying they would not bump into one another when on holiday).

Your brother needs to understand that you are not rejecting his father or his relationship with his father, just your father, even if they are in the same body.

I did send a couple cards wishing him well, sort of. Cant remember the words but get well soon wasn't an option.

It took me some time to stop chuntering - saying in my head what I had wanted to say in person all those years to someone who was now dead. It was pretty pointless by then.

I have only one regret; apparently the funeral cortege was a hoot - like something out of Monty Python. But at the time I doubt I would have appreciated it.

Emmarillo

Its a really hard one.

I went with my mum to visit her dying dad in 1998. He had walked out on my Nan on my Mums 16th birthday in 1963 (she was the youngest child) and had never spoken to her since, despite my mum always sending Christmas and Birthday cards, her childrens school photos every year etc and she always included her address.

When she heard that he was really ill in hospital she really struggled with whether to go or not but in the end we decided to go taking my little daughter who was his first Great Grandchild.

Anyway...to cut a long story short, when we got there he took one look at my mum and said 'You've come at last, it took you long enough, you never bothered about me before' then looked away and refused to speak again.

I don't think my mum was that upset. She had had years to come to terms with the fact he clearly wasn't interested at all; and she's glad she went as if she hadn't she might have regretted it.

Only you have the answer, but I'm thinking of you.

GobbledyGook

My "mother" was an evil cow. I seen her before she died and went to her funeral though. I decided it was better to perhaps regretting visiting her (and in some ways give her that peace that it brought) than to regret not taking that chance in years to come.

I would go. Better to regret what was done than that which was not. Also for your brother. It's not going to fix everything, but if it made my brother feel a bit better when a death that he was going to struggle with was immenant I would (I was exceptionally close to my brother though so that may cloud my feelings on that).

mountainofdebt

OP

If it's any comfort I can see my sister and I having a similar discussion when it comes to my father's funeral as I have exactly the same relationship with him as you do with yours.

I haven't spoken to him for over 20 years either and have only seen him at my sister's family (if that makes sense) events such as weddings and christenings and then its only been a polite hello. I'm aware that he knows what is going on in my life, such as what Junior is doing / achieving - and I can't stop my sister letting him know - but he gets to hear it all second hand whereas Junior is often on the phone to my mum even without prompting.

Do I plan on going to see him if he becomes seriously ill - no I don't think so .....if only becuase he hasn't been part of my life for more years than he was part of it (and even then I always felt that anything I did was never good enough for him) and I'll be blowed if I'm opening myself up to scarcastic comments.

Lotus-eater

He is your father and you will never have another.

It is often said, that once they are gone, any chance of putting things right is too late.

But, only you know what he was like and what he said/ the way he said it. Only you know if you think he's deserved being treated like this.
If he dies, try imagining that he is dead, do you regret not doing anything else?

PoorCharleyBear

similar situation here.
Parents split when I was 12 barely saw my father again- maybe once or twice around the town but he never acknowledged me.

Fast forward many years and my brother told me my father had weeks to live. Brother had not been in touch with our father either so I have no idea how he found out. Well my brother said my father apologised for all sorts of things in his dying weeks (knowing he was dying).

I lived overseas and there was no question of me coming back for the funeral of a bloke I once knew. Do I have regrets? None that have surfaced so far and this happened 10 years ago. I feel quite remote from it all.

It sounds like your brother has forgiven and forgotten and can't quite understand why you have not. But go with your gut feeling and don't be pressurised into doing something which goes against what you believe is right - it would be hypocritical if you did it just to appease your brother/ possible guilt pangs.

There are too many nice people in life to worry about the others.

doodoot

OP, do what feels best for you and not for anyone else.

My father walked out on my mother 20 years ago and I can count on one hand how many times I've seen him.

I was the stereotypical daddy's girl and worshipped the ground he walked on, so his behaviour crushed me - I was 17 when he left.

He's never met my children - they are 11 and 13 - and blanks me if we meet by chance.

The day will come when he'll be in the same position as your father is in...and I will not go.

I grieved for my father years ago, the man I see today is not the man who I knew as a child.

Your brother cannot and will not ever understand how you feel, and to be honest you do not have to justify yourself to him.

If you think you will gain anything by going then I suggest asking your brother to broach it with your father to see how he feels about you going.

The last thing you need is to see an ill stranger who may completely blank you like he has always done.

MarilynMonroe_2

what about going but standing at the back, not sitting in the front family row?

alm721

doodoot wrote: »

I grieved for my father years ago, the man I see today is not the man who I knew as a child.

Thank-you for that doodoot, you've summed up perfectly, what I've stuggled to get straight in my head, about how I feel about my dad. This sentence is so true.

op- I'm in a similar situation, even my mum (who hates my dad) feels I should try to forgive, but it's made harder by the fact that I have a disabled dependant brother who my dad washed his hands of (just like the rest of us).

I could possibly get past what happened on my behalf or even my other brothers but I can mot and will not ever forgive the way he's treat my little brother, so I know I will not ever make amends with him.

Maybe one day I'll regret it, but I'll have to face it then. You can only do whats best for you.

NAR

anxious_mum wrote: »

My brother is quite upset with me, he says he is my father and I should go and visit him. I don't want to fall out with my brother, but I feel I'm allowed to uphold my feelings int his. He means nothing to me, why should I pretend.

Any thoughts anyone?

Tough one. I can understand your personal feelings about your father, but what about your relationship with your brother. If you are close to him and wish to remain so I think you should compromise. But that's the only reason you should pretend.