Am I wrong in this?

barbiedoll

Personally, I wouldn't bother. As you said yourself, you feel remote from this man (I won't waste the word "father" on him) and the fact that he has a relationship with your brother but not you, speaks volumes about the sort of person that he is.

Unless it is his dying wish to see you once more, why should you go? To be upset at being ignored yet again? To please your brother? (Who, if he was any sort of a man, would have asked his precious father why he is treating his daughter so badly) If you feel nothing for him, and I fully understand why you don't, then what can be gained by seeing him again?

If you're not bothered about seeing him, then don't. It certainly doesn't make you "wrong", if your brother has a problem with it, then tough. My husband has a similar tale with his dreadful parents and his siblings, he cannot believe that his parents seem to be forgiven by his brothers and sisters, he did not go to either of his parents funerals, he's not a hypocrite and he's never regretted his decision, not once.

Do what is right for you. And don't feel guilty, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

anxious_mum

Thank you all so much for your replies, I have read and digested every one. I have decided that I must be true to myself. I have given this man so many chances to be a part of my family, and to meet his two grandsons (now aged 16 and 18) and he has never taken me up on the offer.

So, I can only assume that he wants no part in our lives, therefore, I need no part in his.

I take on board various posters' views that my brother could have played a better part in this. When my dad was having tea and biscuits at his he could have brought him down to (re)meet me and his grandsons. But he never did. So, when the inevitable comes, and my bro asks me where I will be at the funeral, I will say 'at home, going about my usual business'.

I feel sorry that he is ill, the same as if a friend told me someone that they knew was ill. I feel no connection to this man, he is just 'someone' who was once a part of my life. He couldn't wait to get out of my life when I was 16, so why should I want to get back into his now he is seriously ill.........It would be hypocritical in the extreme, and I will not do it. Thank you once again, everyone x

shelley_crow

I was in a similar position, I was estranged from my family and my father died. I was dead set against going to the funeral. As a previous poster said, I had done my grieving many years before. I was talked into going by my OH. I wish I hadn't bothered. I managed to stay for half of the service. Naturally I wasn't welcome on the front row of the seating so I stood at the back of the room. The part that wound me up the most was the eulogy was full of the usual platitudes and niceties. I couldn't stand to hear what a wonderful father and family man he was, when it didn't reflect how he was in life. Parts of the eulogy were barbed digs at me, as my mother knew full well that that would have the last time she will ever set eyes on me.

My thoughts are with you hun x

Jinx

I subscribe to the 'what goes around, comes around' theory.... so if he hasnt cared about you and your family even when given a second opportunity years down then line then I dont think he deserves a third, especially if that allows him to think all is forgiven and he was right all along.

My dad was absent in all respects from when I was a child and made no effort to keep in touch - when he finally deigned to resurface years later (when due a new granddaughter) I think he was genuinely shocked when I told him to get lost!

KxMx

mico62 wrote: »

Friends say I'm hard and heartless but I now think of them as aquaintances or an old friend where the friendship has fizzled out, when the inevitable happens (they're mid 70s) I won't be jumping on a plane to pay empty respects.

Sorry that was quite long but I think unless people have a similar relationship they won't fully understand your reasons for not wanting to visit him now or attend his funeral.

I could not agree more, those that think you are evil for cutting off contact with parents tend to come from a brady-bunch type family, and as much as you tell them what your own issues were with parents, they just can't understand bless them. But you know you're the one in the right.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Unless you are incredibly close to your brother (and why is he worthy of a father when you aren't? Did he think he wasn't your biological father?), I'd be inclined to pitch up only if specifically asked by the patient. And then I'd walk in, ask what he wanted, and then say 'right, well that's all obligations done. Bye.' and walk out again.

Ellie_the_cat

Sorry if I do this wrong, I am still new to this board!

If this were me, I would not go to see this man. He was the one who wanted 'freed from the burden' of you at 16 and since them has made little to no attempt to be part of your life and family since. It is a shame he is in hospital and unwell but that will happen to almost all of us. Its a fact of life.
This man stopped being your Father a long time ago. He did not stop being a Father to your brother and thats why he will be upset. He probably cannot imagine what it must feel like to have him walk out of his life like he did to you (and this is no slur against your brother) so he won't fully get how you feel in this one.

If anything, feel sorry for your Father. He lost out on a big part of his family and it is too late for him to do anything about it. You are right in your decision, hopefully your brother will come to see this too. Its important you stand by your brother as he will be the one needing the support.
Hope this works out soon, I am in a similar situation myself so I know how you feel

DUTR

Ellie_the_cat wrote: »

Sorry if I do this wrong, I am still new to this board!

If this were me, I would not go to see this man. He was the one who wanted 'freed from the burden' of you at 16 and since them has made little to no attempt to be part of your life and family since. It is a shame he is in hospital and unwell but that will happen to almost all of us. Its a fact of life.
This man stopped being your Father a long time ago. He did not stop being a Father to your brother and thats why he will be upset. He probably cannot imagine what it must feel like to have him walk out of his life like he did to you (and this is no slur against your brother) so he won't fully get how you feel in this one.

If anything, feel sorry for your Father. He lost out on a big part of his family and it is too late for him to do anything about it. You are right in your decision, hopefully your brother will come to see this too. Its important you stand by your brother as he will be the one needing the support.
Hope this works out soon, I am in a similar situation myself so I know how you feel

Only the OP can decide that, no point encouraging others (eg her brother) to join in the immature selfish spite, niether of them would be in existance if it were not partly to do with the dying man, as others have said, once he is gone then there is no chance of any kind of reconciliation, once he passes the what if etc won't matter.
The Op has divorced now, so she herself is no master at relationships, what happened between her parents should not be an influence on each of them individually

anxious_mum

I'm not sure I fully understand where you're coming from, DUTR. The fact that I'm divorced is of no consequence to this situation, you have no right to comment on whether I'm a 'master at relationships' as you have no idea what happened and why I'm divorced. That was not the point I was raising.

I'm sorry that you see my veiwpoint as 'immature selfish spite', once again, you have spoken completely out of turn.

Also, what happened between my parents is not under discussion here, it is what happened, or didn't happen, between me and my father, which is all down to him, not me.

Thank you to all the well thought out comments by everyone else, I have now made my decision and will stand by it.

princessdreamer

I think DUTR is in some way worried of being in your fathers situation. People view things from their life experiences.

My children may one day also be where you are and they too will have to decided for themselves.