Am I wrong in this?

anxious_mum

My mum and dad had quite a bad marriage, and my dad had always planned to leave when I was 16 and no longer a financial burden to him. I actually planned to stay on at school and go to university, but I overheard him telling my mum he would go for half of everything in the house if I did that because he 'wanted to be free of all obligations to me'. This was in the late 70's and divorce wasn't as easy then as it is now, and I think my mum was really shaken by this. I told him to stuff his 'obligations' and got a full time job that weekend and have worked all my life since.

Fast forward to now, and apart from a very brief meeting in 1988 (at my then new husband's insistence) I have not set eyes on the man or had even a phone conversation or any communication with him.

My brother lives 4 doors away from me, as I moved back into my home village after my divorce, and my dad is a regular visitor to him and his 3 boys. One christmas about 11 years ago, when I was full of festive cheer (or wine!) I mentioned to my brother that then next time my dad went to visit him he would be very welcome to pop down and meet his two grandchildren for the first time and have a chat and a cuppa with me. This never happened.

My eldest son was curious about his grandad, so I arranged for him to go out one lunchtime with one of his cousins to meet him. He said they'd had a nice time, and he liked his grandad and that he had promised to keep in touch with him, but he never has done, 5 years on.

Now....the point of my story. I heard from my bro that my dad is quite ill in hospital. When he told me, it was as if he was talking about someone I knew vaguely but didn't really care about. He asked if was going to visit him, to which I replied 'no'.

I'm sorry he's ill, but I don't feel any attachment at all to this man. What's worse is, if/when he dies I won''t be going to the funeral as I don't feel any need to pay my respects to someone who hasn't shown me and my boys any respect at all. He's made no attempt to make any contact with me for 23 years, I obviously didn't feature in his plans so why should I be a hypocrite and stand in a church surrounded by people I don't know (he re-married and has a family I have never met) and say how much he will be missed?

My brother is quite upset with me, he says he is my father and I should go and visit him. I don't want to fall out with my brother, but I feel I'm allowed to uphold my feelings int his. He means nothing to me, why should I pretend.

Any thoughts anyone?

Barneysmom

Gosh Op that's a hard one.
I know I am kicking myself for not seeing my blood father (???) before he died just so I could tell him what a complete rat he was.

My stepdad is my dad, he's the one who raised me and loved me.

Emmzi

Does any part of you feel you would regret not visiting? For either your father's sake (he may wish to apologise) or your brothers? (one hour visit, clearly means a lot to him.)

If not, don't worry about it. Do what is right for you.

CH27

Do you have any questions you want answered?

loracan1

It is a tough one.

I don't think either option is wrong or right - but if you did go and make a brief visit you'd never have the 'if only' to worry about later?

Giddytimes

You don't mention what your relationship was like with him before you were 16, but he did bring you up and presumably your childhood wasn't horrific, maybe you have happy memories. I'm not excusing his behaviour but he may have had reasons you don't know about for not being in touch with your family in recent years.

I have a similar situation at the moment, my father and brother have never seen eye to eye, my dad is dying and my brother refuses to come home and visit him. One day I think he's going to very much regret that decision.

The way I see it is you're not going to look back and regret going to see him one last time, but there is a chance you could look back and regret not having gone.
I think for that reason you should go, even just for a short visit.

mico62

Your life mirrors mine in so many ways not just REMO. I have a non-existent relationship with my parents. They live in Spain and think nothing of coming home for a week but then send a text saying they're staying 10 miles away but are too busy to come and visit, I'm sure that would go down well if I went there on holiday and did the same.

They've done it so many times and I decided in June not to let them upset me any more after another traumatic visit where they were 3 miles away and visited for 30 mins the day after DDs prom and demanded to see her photos, they could've come to our house or the school and seen her on the night.

In September I found they'd been home for a month and stayed at my brothers but didn't think to pick the phone up so for my own sanity I've severed all contact with them.

Friends say I'm hard and heartless but I now think of them as aquaintances or an old friend where the friendship has fizzled out, when the inevitable happens (they're mid 70s) I won't be jumping on a plane to pay empty respects.

Sorry that was quite long but I think unless people have a similar relationship they won't fully understand your reasons for not wanting to visit him now or attend his funeral.

JC9297

You have offered him chances to come back into your family's life and he wasn't interested, so no I don't think it is unreasonable of you not to visit him. If he had asked your brother if you would go and see him it might be different but I assume he hasn't.
If you do go let it be for your benefit, because you want to see him again before he dies rather than for his or your brother's sake.

Person_one

It sounds to me like your concern isn't anything to do with your dad, you seem to have made your peace with the fact that he wasn't the dad you deserve and I agree that he sounds like a piece of work (what parents makes it clear to their teenager daughter that they can't wait to be rid of them, poor you )

The relationship issue here seems to be about your brother, so I would forget about your dad completely and try to focus on him. I take it he had a much better dad than you, sadly there are still men about who value sons much more than daughters, your brother is upset and grieving for someone he loves and it hurts him even more to realise that you don't care either way.

If it were me, I might go just to humour my brother. I wouldn't force the children to though, hospitals and funerals are too upsetting to be subjected to them for someone you don't have a relationship with, and if he's a dad he should understand that.

baza52

I think your right in your decision.
My wife had a similar relationship with her mother who walked out when she was very young.
It took me quite a few years to get my head round why my wife didnt want to know but ive seen for myself what she was like.
We did go to her funeral but purely to make a point as her mother would have hated the idea. no flowers or anything were taken and we chose to stay sat down throughout the service.
I would give your kids the opportunity to attend if they wish (poss with another family member) as its still their grandad and will avoid any awkward questions or blame later on.

Its YOUR choice so dont be bullied by anyone to attend.

londonsurrey

Why is your brother pressuring you to do the "right" thing to a man who hasn't for decades?

Why didn't he pressure your father to get his deadbeat self to your doorstep to see you, your son, to apologise?

Are appearances all that matter to him, or is he in thrall to your father, or is he a doormat in general and wants you to be the same?