Overbaring mum or am I too sensitive?

walker_bait

Hello, thought I would ask here if anyones mum is the same as mine?

My mother has always been over protective/overbearing as in she always had to know who what where when etc.

I was never allowed out with friends, never went on school trips/school leavng dance, never had friends sleep over and if I asked why she would always tell me that she was the only real friend I needed in life.

I thought it would get a bit easier as I got a bit older but it got worse.

I left home at 17, got a job and once I had my "own" place my mum would constantly be on the phone to me, Im talking anything up to 5 times per day, just to ask what I was doing, who I had seen, if I had been out shopping she needed to know how much I had spent etc.

If I didnt answer the phone she would get in her car and drive round. It really was that bad.

One time the phone rang when I was in the shower so I ignored it and ten mins later there was banging at the door, it was mum, I answered the door with a towel around my head and she proceeded to tell me if I wanted to ignore her when she phones she can take the hint???

I got older and got sick of her wanting to know every detail of my life so refused to answer her questions, then she would complain that I never confided in her or spoke to her about anything and that I was a very cloak and dagger person.

When I met my boyfriend 8 years ago I wanted to get to know him a bit before introducing him to my family, we had been together for three months before I told mum about him, of course I got called sly for doing this as she "had the right to know if her own daughter was seeing someone".

I am now 30 years old and she is still as bad today, and if I am honest I dont think I can handle the way she is anymore, I feel very stifled, like in a way she could never get over the fact that I grew up? (Im 30 years old but she will still tell me I do something the wrong way and proceed to tell me how to do it)

Anyone elses mum like mine? Anyone have any tips on how to handle the way my mum is? I know she will never change, but I dont really like her much as a person and I feel bad for feeling like that.

As a side note she is only ever like this with me.

Person_one

Yikes.

Your mum needs a psychiatrist, any chance she'd go to one?

walker_bait

Person_one wrote: »

Yikes.

Your mum needs a psychiatrist, any chance she'd go to one?

I am actually glad you said that because I have wondered for a while now if there is something not quite right with her.

I dont think there would be any chance of her going to one though as I have tried talking to her in the past about how she makes me feel and she sounds offended and says there is nothing worng with her caring about me.

I didnt really notice it growing up as I have always been used to it, but since meeting my boyfriend and seeing how his family are with each other made me see that my upbringing wasnt normal at all and neither is the way she still is with me.

happyhaddock_2

Hi WB welcome and well done for posting. You should have a chat with my sister she has been then brunt of our mums 'strange' version of motherhood alll her life. We have both been affected by it but her more than me. I started a really interesting thread a short while ago titled 'I don't like my mother' you should have a read of it, there is a lot of helpful info and support (sorry but I can't do links).

In the meantime you've got to do what is right for you. I've have just spoken to my mum for the first time in weeks, and only now because there has been a bit of a family crisis. It wasn't easy to pluck up the courage to stand up to her for the first time, but it was lovely and quiet after!!. Good luck and keep posting x

Forgot to say, look up 'narcissism' it was quite an eye opener for us

TimBear

No! My mum is the complete opposite of this. She's always been very laid back about what I do, where I go, who with etc...

We weren't particularly close when I lived at home, but I'm now in my mid-twenties in my own place and we're much closer. I'll often pop by to hers most days to see if she's about just to have a chat.

I don't 'confide' in her, although I know that I could if I wanted to. She doesn't pressure me to to do this either.

It sounds like your mum is trying too hard and thinks she's doing the right thing but it's only going to push you away. You're not a little girl any more, and don't need to tell your mum every little thing that goes on in your life.

You need to talk to her though about it or she'll never change, and just ignoring her is clearly only making it worse.

TimBear

Further to the above...does your mum have much of a social life herself? You say she said she is the only friend you need - I wonder if she has friends of her own? Perhaps she's juts incredibly lonely?

walker_bait

TimBear wrote: »

Further to the above...does your mum have much of a social life herself? You say she said she is the only friend you need - I wonder if she has friends of her own? Perhaps she's juts incredibly lonely?

My mum doesnt "do" friends, they are back stabbers who will hurt her in the end, same goes for men, everything is fantastic if things are going great in her life, but if one little thing goes wrong then all men are XXXXXXX, and all men are the same and we shouldnt trust anyone at all and stuff like that.

She is 52, been married and divorced four times and has been single for a few years now after leaving my step dad as he liked to go out to the pub on a friday night after work, she didnt like this at all as he should be home with her.

RAS

You may find this thread useful

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3574175

A couple of my own examples:

When I moved house, it took a few days for the phone to be connected. When I tried to ring her to tell her the number (which I had to do before telling anyone else or else), i could not get through for days.

I eventually rang my sister to ask if she had heard from mum because I was getting worried. She had indeed, as had every other relative and friend, all of whom knew how awful I was for not giving her the new number - because she had spent all her time over the previous few days ringing people for long long conversations exploring her distress.

When i was with ex, he worked away most weeks so weekends was valuable time for friends. She rang every Saturday night just when she knew we would be sitting down to eat with friends, as the starter hit the table. When I explained why I would prefer to speak to her on Saturday or Sunday morning, she carried on disrupting our meals.

Later, when I was doing up my own house, she rang on Sunday afternoons, when I was working against the clock to finish jobs (wiring) before the light faded. Given I was on the second floor I did not always hear above the drilling etc. So she sent the local police round in case I had had an accident! They soon got the picture.

See HH has contributed as well.

bluenoseam

Your mum has issues surrounding people abandoning her - but to be honest if i were you i'd be having a word with her and saying it's time to cut the strings and let you go, 5 times a WEEK is excessive for phone calls (although could just be because i'm an independant type) never mind in one day and certainly driving round if you don't answer is WAY over the mark.

Good luck!

TimBear

Perhaps your mum would benefit from speaking to someone in a professional setting? She clearly has some deep-rooted issues regarding relationships and abandonment.

Did something happen in her childhood which could have caused this maybe?

Regardless, this is not a healthy way to manage the relationship between the two of you, and her behvaiour and reactions are way too over the top.

balletshoes

here is the link to happyhaddock's thread -

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3574175=

eta - sorry I didn't realise RAS had posted it already.