Overbaring mum or am I too sensitive?

j.e.j.

Reading these posts I feel anger at the way these mums are behaving, and also sadness that these women have so little going for them, such tiny lives that they feel they have to behave in this way.

OP it isn't you, and you MUST stand up to her. You're doing her no favours by being her doormat.

My ex MiL was like this with her daughter, - she had no friends of her own, had pretty much alienated everyone around her and had developed a "me and you against the world" kind of mentality.

There probably are mental health issues underlying this but my guess is she's probably on her best behaviour in front of others (especially a GP) so I'm not sure that telling the doctor will do much. Might be worth a try though.

RadoJo

I agree that it sounds as though she has isolated herself from everyone except you, and now has an unhealthy level of involvement in your life which she strives to maintain as she sees it of proof of the strength of the relationship.

I also agree that you need to either a) have a confrontation with her when you have it all out and lay down some new ground rules or b) gradually wean her off one thing at a time so that she learns what is appropriate and what isn't. Personally, I think that the latter might be preferable, as if you hit her with a list of complaints, she is likely to go on the defensive and reject everything you say, whereas if you gradually stop speaking to her as frequently, then she might naturally begin to stop asking for every small detail as you will have more to talk about when you do actually speak.

It sounds tricky, but I think you have to accept that she is not going to change unless you alter the way you respond to her and hold firm. If she sulks and accuses you of hiding things then you have to stand your ground and say something like 'I am not hiding anything from you, but there are certain things that I don't think are any of your concern' and stick to it.

It may be worth asking about her relationship with her mother - did she share the costs of her shopping etc with her Mum and so think it's a perfectly natural? If not, then she should appreciate that you can have a close relationship without her being involved in every single minute detail of your life! If so, then maybe she thinks that this is how you demonstrate that you care for someone, in which case she might take some persuading that you can demonstrate that in other ways, like being considerate and showing respect for someone's privacy.

Good luck - it sounds as though you're going to need it, but perhaps eventually you can help her to have more healthy relationships with other people to take the pressure of you!

prowla

walker_bait wrote: »

Overbaring mum or am I too sensitive?

Phew - I thought you meant she was walking around without her clothes on!

Bennifred

I think I'd be moving far, far away!

She is being unbelievably intrusive into your life - I'm afraid I'd be very blunt about not giving her information which is none of her business, and she certainly wouldn't have a key to my house!

londonsurrey

You're not alone. My mother is like that too, but abusive with it. She regards her children as belonging to her to do with as she wishes, and it's nobody else's business.

She has serious mental health issues, which I only started to come to terms with after over three decades.

Just because someone is a loony tune, doesn't mean that they look or act it to everyone else. My mother is a solicitor, so now you have a legally trained loony tune. Consider that turned against you, her recalcitrant possession, and shudder.

My advice, which you of course have every right to ignore, is to be impassive, ignore her when she's OTT, consider changing phone numbers, and be prepared to call the police if she is determined to up the ante enough.

Mine finally stopped turning up to condemn me, throwing holy water on my house and telling me that I would be next to commit suicide when I took her to Family Court on an anti-harassment complaint. Nothing I said registered as important to her, but she has enough survival instincts to understand that the authorities agree that she's being OTT with me (even though I "belong" to her)

Good luck. The firmer you are with her and the sooner, the less liberties she'll take in the long run.
From just her point of view, if she disregards your protestations (and she does disregard your protestations), why should she stop when what she does is working for her?

paddy's_mum

This all screams of fear.

Are these mothers afraid that if they lose their 'vital' role in their childrens lives, then that is proof that their place and justification for being on this earth has gone?

meritaten

londonsurrey wrote: »

You're not alone. My mother is like that too, but abusive with it. She regards her children as belonging to her to do with as she wishes, and it's nobody else's business.

She has serious mental health issues, which I only started to come to terms with after over three decades.

Just because someone is a loony tune, doesn't mean that they look or act it to everyone else. My mother is a solicitor, so now you have a legally trained loony tune. Consider that turned against you, her recalcitrant possession, and shudder.

My advice, which you of course have every right to ignore, is to be impassive, ignore her when she's OTT, consider changing phone numbers, and be prepared to call the police if she is determined to up the ante enough.

Mine finally stopped turning up to condemn me, throwing holy water on my house and telling me that I would be next to commit suicide when I took her to Family Court on an anti-harassment complaint. Nothing I said registered as important to her, but she has enough survival instincts to understand that the authorities agree that she's being OTT with me (even though I "belong" to her)

Good luck. The firmer you are with her and the sooner, the less liberties she'll take in the long run.
From just her point of view, if she disregards your protestations (and she does disregard your protestations), why should she stop when what she does is working for her?

She threw holy water on your house? my mind boggled at that one! so does she think you are the AntiChrist, a vampire or was she blessing you?
its difficult to think of a complaint to the police about that - I know its facetious but - assault with a holy weapon?
I understand what you mean about 'belonging' to her. People like your mum believe that they can do anything because their 'spouse' or 'child' BELONGS to them. therefore they own them and can destroy or harm them at will!

londonsurrey

paddy's_mum wrote: »

This all screams of fear.

Are these mothers afraid that if they lose their 'vital' role in their childrens lives, then that is proof that their place and justification for being on this earth has gone?

I think with my mother, it's more extreme. She literally does not consider me to have a right to a life of my own. When I took her to court (I'd been recently widowed), she kept on going on about her loss, expecting sympathy for the lovely son-in-law she'd lost.

Hello, I was sitting right opposite her, the WIDOW of said deceased.
But I didn't count as having feelings in my own right. Or apparently even a husband of my own. She seemed to think that I'd obtained him just for her. Lol.

londonsurrey

meritaten wrote: »

I know its facetious but - assault with a holy weapon?

I can't recall exactly, but I think the charge was "Acting in a manner that was knowingly causing fear or distress".

meritaten

Londonsurrey - your mum takes being a narcissist to new heights! tho my MIL would have sympathised with her! No-one KNOWS how they feel do they? even tho they tell us ad nauseum about how things affect THEM! apparently all of life revolves around them - they can turn a war in another country into a diatribe on how it affects THEM! but of course no-one understands this - they are sooooooooo misunderstood! narcissism crossed with the martyr syndrome! or the 'poor me - you dont understand how I FEEL - I am so sensitive - You arent or you would be nicer to me!' syndrome!
My sympathies - you truly have a heavy cross to bear! (sorry, couldnt resist what with the holy water bit).