Overbaring mum or am I too sensitive?

Peater

In answer to the thread title: No, you are not being too sensitive. That is not normal behaviour for a mother.

The part about 'she said she was the only real friend I needed in life' i find particually troubling.

anon86_2

I cant give you any advice but my mum is very similar. She calls me upto 10 times a day and will text me lots too. If i do not answer she will start texting "are you ok?" and ringing constantly till i answer. She has been known to start calling my hubby too if i do not answer which annoys him very much as he is at work usually.

Although i moved out years ago and have my own family now she still texts me to see if i am awake in the morning! And if i do not reply by a time she deems appropriate i get phoned until i answer! She rings to ask my son how his day at school was every day and to ask what he is having for tea? She also texts me every night to see if i have gone to bed yet? aswell during the evening to see whether my son has been put to bed yet and if he ate his tea?

Hubby and I have almost split up over this as he only speaks to his parents once or twice a week and cannot understand why my mum feels the need to bother me so much in the day especially when i am trying to enjoy time alone with him in the evenings or weekends as he works so hard in the week.

I work too as a mobile hairdresser and it gets embarrassing when she calls me whilst im with a client as if i dont answer she calls 2/3 times so i have started leaving my phone on silent when working. Annoyingly its often just "hiya, what are you up to? Im just making a cup of coffee so thought id see what you were doing?" Last week I was driving to Asda 10 mins away and I had 5 missed calls from her so i pulled over and asked what was wrong. Her answer "she was bored". I honestly thought something was wrong she called so much. She thinks nothing of calling back to back like that for no reason not knowing if the reason i am not answering is I am driving, but then is the first to tell me how dangerous it is on the roads these days and insisting i tell her whenever i go out, tell here where i have gone and then to tell her when i am home ok. (i dont do this.. but she asks me too!)


This woman in in her late 50's and has no life outside the home, my younger sister still lives at home but she doesnt have a life either and is pretty much a social hermit with no social skills caused by my mum bringing her up to be scared of the whole world and still treating her like a child when she is 21. Mum doesnt speak to my older sister more than once a week (probably because she told her to f*** off! when she was doing similar to her) So i take all the "responsibility" of being mums crutch in life.

She interfers in my sons life lots too, overriding my discipline decisions and constantly spoiling him with toys and sweets 2-3 times a week when she looks after him so i can work. I have told her to stop but she has repeatedly said she wont listen to me. I have to use her for childcare due to hubbys hours and having no other family close enough. She has even told me i should ditch hubby and be a single mum as all men are b***ards etc despite having been married to my dad 28 years. She says he "comes between us" and on the weekends when hubby is off she complains to everyone who will listen that i do not answer the phone and its all his fault. She will not visit my house when hubby is home but will come round and let herself in with the spare key if she knows he is at work! We went away recently to scotland for the weekend to visit hubbys friends so she was feeding our cats and she went through our bedroom and whole house organising everything to her standards including organising my underwear drawer into neat piles! yes and it did include some "couple" things in that drawer too !!:o


Its horrible and I feel like crying alot over it but when i have been brave in the past and told her she needs to stop she gets very depressed and rants and has become suicidal. She has always suffered with depression but wont do anything to pull herself out of it. She is two faced, manipulative and although as harsh as this sounds she is pathetic. I feel like a carer more than a daughter most of the time.

Sorry for the big rant and having no advice but wanted to show you its not just your mum. I know i sometimes feel like a "freak" as non of my friends mothers act like mine and it gets very embarrassing.

walker_bait

anon86 wrote: »

She has been known to start calling my hubby too if i do not answer which annoys him very much as he is at work usually.

Sorry for the big rant and having no advice but wanted to show you its not just your mum. I know i sometimes feel like a "freak" as non of my friends mothers act like mine and it gets very embarrassing.

She used to call my bf at work so much that his boss said he would call the police if she didnt stop.

I know what you mean about the freak side of things, I know nobody in my personal life that has a mum like mine and that makes it harder because if I try to talk about it to other people they dont understand.

Its like she cant function if she is not involved in absolutely everything. If I dont involve her she translates that as I dont like her or like spending time with her etc.

She likes to put word into my mouth too, as in if I say the sky is blue she will say "why dont you say what you really mean and stop keeping things from me" that is a favourite one of hers and she says it often, she always thinks Im lying to her or keeping things from her and its so annoying.

Tlking to her does nothing at all as she doesnt see the way she is as a problem, she just tells me Im over thinking things.

RAS

Rant welcome.

You need to sit down with your hubbie (turn the phone off) and discuss this. Change the lock and find someone else to look after the cats. Consider getting a new phone for work only and turn your personal phone off.

Start by telling mum that you are going to turn off your phone when you are working, driving, relaxing with OH or in bed. Train her to expect it to be off. When she rings OH, he can just remind her that you turn if off at times.

And look at how you can change the child care situation; this is not good for either you, OH or your son.

And by the way, those phone calls were a factor in the breakdown of our relationship.

Oh and she tactfully left "things" on my pillow.

moomoomama27

Oh my goodness that really is not a healthy or normal thing your Mum is doing. I don't think you are being too sensitive at all, and I think overbaring is an understament. I don't know how you put up with that. My Mum can be very controlling, and growing up was very much ''my way or the highway'' in her views, infact she's still alot like this, but I think she knew where to draw the line!

I would echo what a few other PP have said, she needs professional help, or the relationship she has with you will completley break down.

Have you spoken to her about it, what was her response?

walker_bait

moomoomama27 wrote: »

Oh my goodness that really is not a healthy or normal thing your Mum is doing. I don't think you are being too sensitive at all, and I think overbaring is an understament. I don't know how you put up with that. My Mum can be very controlling, and growing up was very much ''my way or the highway'' in her views, infact she's still alot like this, but I think she knew where to draw the line!

I would echo what a few other PP have said, she needs professional help, or the relationship she has with you will completley break down.

Have you spoken to her about it, what was her response?

She doesnt think the way she is is wrong in any way, she sees it as she cares for me and its better than her not wanting to know about my life.

If I am pregnant or getting married then yes, fair enough I would call my mum and let her know, but wanting to know how much I spend on a shopping trip and little things like that is a bit much.

She cant see that she doesnt need to know everything about me, she sees it as her right as my mum.

When I was younger I would confide in her about things and tell her not to tell anyone, she of course would tell my family so it put me off confiding in her, now that I dont, she has a problem with that too, so I always feel like I cant win with anything I do, nothing is ever right.

I have told her she is too overbearing etc but she doesnt see it that way at all.

Person_one

walker_bait wrote: »

My mum doesnt "do" friends, they are back stabbers who will hurt her in the end, same goes for men, everything is fantastic if things are going great in her life, but if one little thing goes wrong then all men are XXXXXXX, and all men are the same and we shouldnt trust anyone at all and stuff like that.

She is 52, been married and divorced four times and has been single for a few years now after leaving my step dad as he liked to go out to the pub on a friday night after work, she didnt like this at all as he should be home with her.

This sounds more and more like a fairly serious mental health issue.

Maybe you could go to your GP yourself and ask what sort of services would be available for her and if has any ideas or if there is any assistance to help her to help herself.

meritaten

I would say your mum has serious issues hun. not least this idea that as your mum she is entitled to know every detail of your life and your childs life!
she does have elements of narcissism - but I think there are other issues too. This need of hers to 'control' YOUR life being one of them!
but, reading the narcissism threads will give you a good idea of coping strategies.

Happyhaddocks is linked above - there was another one entitled Narcissism (I think the OP was Cyril) which was most informative.
I have started a thread called Narcisism (note that I mis-spelled it).
If you go to the top of the page to Forum Search you can type in the Thread names and it will come up with a list showing threads relating to the keyword and posts mentioning the word.

many people have commented on how helpful these threads were!

moomoomama27

walker_bait wrote: »

She doesnt think the way she is is wrong in any way, she sees it as she cares for me and its better than her not wanting to know about my life.

If I am pregnant or getting married then yes, fair enough I would call my mum and let her know, but wanting to know how much I spend on a shopping trip and little things like that is a bit much.

She cant see that she doesnt need to know everything about me, she sees it as her right as my mum.

When I was younger I would confide in her about things and tell her not to tell anyone, she of course would tell my family so it put me off confiding in her, now that I dont, she has a problem with that too, so I always feel like I cant win with anything I do, nothing is ever right.

I have told her she is too overbearing etc but she doesnt see it that way at all.

I think aswell that she just can't let go, I know you've mentioned that she's been married, and is now single. Has she always been as bad, or is it worse now that she has no focus (i.e a partner/marriage)?

I really feel for you. it's not right, she's putting you under so much stress, she needs help in letting you live her life. As a aprent, once a child reaches adult age, the parental role changes so much, it seems she hasn't grasped this, and doesn't want to. Not only is she controlling, but possibly lonely. Are you an only child?

onlyroz

Yes, she is weird, but you are enabling her behaviour by pandering to it. You need to start turning your phone off and stop answering the door - but make sure you tell her why you are doing it as well. Hopefully she'll start to get the hint.