Another Christmas with the family 'problem'!!

poet123

Person_one wrote: »

The boy actually said it was about wanting to feel more comfortable at home, and because he associates staying there with an accident 5 years ago.

I certainly prefer to stay in my own bed at home 99% of the time, although I do stay with my parents occasionally. Luckily for me I'm an adult so nobody can decide that my decisions are a 'whim' and overrule them!

He is however quite happy to stay there xmas day night, so the association is just about xmas eve. Which strikes me as strange (and the OP doesnt sound convinced herself) maybe he would prefer to be at home, but other peoples feelings are also important. If, as the OP states, she would be tied in knots trying to get to all the places she feels she needs to get to on xmas day, and her mother would be upset, then really he needs to be helped to get over this issue rather than be allowed to cause everyone to change their arrangements because of it.

Stephb1986_2

What interests me is what has the OP done for the last 5 years since the accident has the child gone to his grandmas the night before etc??

Steph

thatgirlsam

poet123 wrote: »

He is however quite happy to stay there xmas day night, so the association is just about xmas eve. Which strikes me as strange (and the OP doesnt sound convinced herself) maybe he would prefer to be at home, but other peoples feelings are also important. If, as the OP states, she would be tied in knots trying to get to all the places she feels she needs to get to on xmas day, and her mother would be upset, then really he needs to be helped to get over this issue rather than be allowed to cause everyone to change their arrangements because of it.

I read that as they would be staying at her Dads on christmas day night - maybe her dads house has no bad conotations (sp) for him

Other peoples feelings are important indeed - more important or as important?

poet123

thatgirlsam wrote: »

there is no need to bow down to every whim and fancy of your child - Why the extremes?

As someone said above we are all entitled to our opinions

Mine is that the desire of my child to wake up at home on Christmas Day would over ride the desire of my mums to have us at her house

That does not mean that I bow down to every request or whim of my children, far from it actually

As you say we are all entitled to our opinion (not sure where I implied differently;)) My point would be I promised Grandma, is it not important to keep promises unless we absolutely cannot?

Next year it could be different, but having made an arrangement I would stick to it. How do you decide what is a whim, what you will bow down to? it comes down to what we personally feel takes precedence I suspect, and really what we want to do ourselves, which is as it should be imo.

thatgirlsam

poet123 wrote: »

As you say we are all entitled to our opinion (not sure where I implied differently;)) My point would be I promised Grandma, is it not important to keep promises unless we absolutely cannot?

Next year it could be different, but having made an arrangement I would stick to it. How do you decide what is a whim, what you will bow down to? it comes down to what we personally feel takes precedence I suspect, and really what we want to do ourselves, which is as it should be imo.

I decide what a whim is on the basis that I know my child and can judge what is a whim and what is important to them

I don't really see it as bowing down anyway - This may be unpopular but I respect them as people in their own right

This doesn't mean they rule this house or that I am a sucker, ultimatley I make the decisions but I always take into account and consider them

After all, I want them to respect me (and they do) , how do they learn to respect others if I do not set an example?

poet123

thatgirlsam wrote: »

I read that as they would be staying at her Dads on christmas day night - maybe her dads house has no bad conotations (sp) for him

Other peoples feelings are important indeed - more important or as important?

I read it that they would have a two hour journey to her Dad for a visit and then go on to her mum to stay overnight.

Situation dependent important. In this scenario less important imo, because by making adjustments/giving reassurances (which I would put money on will be better for the child in the long run) everyone, not just the child, could be accommodated.

You can still respect children by making them aware that you are the parent and they the child, and ultimately you have the final say. You can listen, but you do not have to act on what you hear. That is how you allow them to realise that their opinions will be listened to, but that authority figures are just that; in authority.

thatgirlsam

poet123 wrote: »

I read it that they would have a two hour journey to her Dad for a visit and then go on to her mum to stay overnight.

Situation dependent important. In this scenario less important imo, because by making adjustments/giving reassurances (which I would put money on will be better for the child in the long run) everyone, not just the child, could be accommodated.

You can still respect children by making them aware that you are the parent and they the child, and ultimately you have the final say. You can listen, but you do not have to act on what you hear. That is how you allow them to realise that their opinions will be listened to, but that authority figures are just that; in authority.

And that is what I do

I know I do not have to act on what I hear but as the adult I can do so if I wish to

It is situation dependant, you are right... If Grandma will be alone at Christmas if they do not go, if she has bought all the food and made preparations already etc then yes they should go

If Grandma has done none of this and can go to them then plans can be more flexible

I hope all the family, including children, have a wonderful Christmas

Bumpmakesfour

Stephb1986 wrote: »

I might get flamed for this but when I was a kid I did as I was told. What ever happened to that??

You've made the arrangements stick to them.

Steph

Oh for gawds sake!I really hope you don't have kids yet because that attitude stinks. Christmas is mainly for the kids surely?If my child was GENUINELY worried or upset about going somewhere on one of the most special nights of the year whilst they still "believe" then we wouldn't go!
My children do "do as they are told" but as their mum it is my call to decide what's best for their emotional wellbeing.If it came down to a choice between upsetting my child who at 8 cannot rationalise a situation..or my(grown up) mum I know who I'd choose.I'm making the absolute most of my childrens few short years with all the santa magic.
And anyway I don't think it's remotely unreasonable at 8 to want to wake up in your own bed on xmas day,accident or no accident!

poet123

Bumpmakesfour wrote: »

Oh for gawds sake!I really hope you don't have kids yet because that attitude stinks. Christmas is mainly for the kids surely?If my child was GENUINELY worried or upset about going somewhere on one of the most special nights of the year whilst they still "believe" then we wouldn't go!
My children do "do as they are told" but as their mum it is my call to decide what's best for their emotional wellbeing.If it came down to a choice between upsetting my child who at 8 cannot rationalise a situation..or my(grown up) mum I know who I'd choose.I'm making the absolute most of my childrens few short years with all the santa magic.
And anyway I don't think it's remotely unreasonable at 8 to want to wake up in your own bed on xmas day,accident or no accident!

But who could be either helped to, or pandered to, reassured and calmed, or given into. Which really is best for their emotional well being long term?

Stephb1986_2

Bumpmakesfour wrote: »

Oh for gawds sake!I really hope you don't have kids yet because that attitude stinks. Christmas is mainly for the kids surely?If my child was GENUINELY worried or upset about going somewhere on one of the most special nights of the year whilst they still "believe" then we wouldn't go!
My children do "do as they are told" but as their mum it is my call to decide what's best for their emotional wellbeing.If it came down to a choice between upsetting my child who at 8 cannot rationalise a situation..or my(grown up) mum I know who I'd choose.I'm making the absolute most of my childrens few short years with all the santa magic.
And anyway I don't think it's remotely unreasonable at 8 to want to wake up in your own bed on xmas day,accident or no accident!

I think your forgetting that the OP has another child and so far the other one hasn't said that they don't want to go either it sounds to me as if this child is being spoilt and should be told that arrangements have been made tough tit.

Why should the OP get to spend less time with her family because her child wants to act up?? one way or another he is going to get his presents whether he wakes up in his own bed or one at his nans house it makes no difference apart from being pandered to. He needs to grow up he's 8 years old, my niece is 7 years old she knows that santa doesn't really exist.

He is still going to have to drive a 2 hour journey to go for christmas dinner that is even less time with his toys, what if he decides he doesn't want christmas dinner either are you just going to let a 8yo child dictate to you what you are and aren't doing. Some parents really are on quiet life tablets I tell you!