Problems with partner's daughter!

saroec

There is no element of competition at all, I simply think that if a child can see what is put into their food, and can help with its preparation, they are more likely to eat it, proving my point as partner's son eats my bolognese.

My partner's daughter has regularly come for visits and has suddenly decided that she doesn't like foods she liked before as she 'doesn't like it at mummy's.' That is a statement, not me trying to compete with her.

saroec

Yeah, you're right, I feel that if i go and empty the cupboard I might get told off though! Lol.

saroec

I just want to say thanks to everyone who has shared their experiences and advice. It is greatly appreciated!

It is difficult being a step parent, but it is a wonderful thing to get to watch the children grow and learn. I love my partner's kids as if they were my own (I know I don't have any yet, but I would do anything to make sure the kids are safe and well), we have a lot of fun playing games, drawing pictures, making things.. I don't want it to look like I am focussing on negative aspects because that is not true at all. We have talked about the possibility of them moving in with us permanently in the future if we can make it happen and I cannot wait

FBaby

you are really are treading on dangerous ground... you've only been with your partner 2 years and during that time, you've separared because of him considering going back with his ex. It sounds to me like you are fantasizing about the perfect family with your partner and children as if it was a normal united family. It isn't. Your partner had children with someone else who is their mum. It is great that you love these children and want the best for them, but you are their dad's partner which is a far cry from being similar to their mum. You are talking about them moving with you permanently, do you mean your partner is intending to take his ex to court for custody? Is this what it is all about? You can't wait? What about the kids? Can they also not wait to be taken from their mum? There might be more into it, maybe the mum is trully neglecting them or herself is considering giving up residency, but there were no indication of this in your initial message.

clearingout

I don't get what's so hard about cooking something (one thing), serving it up, sitting down together to eat it and refusing to give in to demands for anything else. I am single mum to 3 young children. This is our routine and they know full well if they don't eat, there's nothing other than fruit to eat until the next meal is due. You should re-think, in my opinion, on the pudding side - telling a child they can only have pudding if they eat something they don't really want only serves to make the pudding that much more attractive. So they fight harder. If pudding is on offer (I don't always offer pudding so it's a treat not a right), I let them have it as soon as they tell me they've finished with their main meal. I might comment on the lack of vegetables eaten which will result in another forkful being eaten, and that's it. It doesn't have to be a fight. You just hold boundaries. You are only responsible for what goes on the plate, you can't force it down them - so if the plate is reasonably balanced, you've done your job. Food is only a fight if you make it one.

The child is manipulating you and will, eventually, play you and mum off against each other. I agree with fbaby that there is a strong hint of annoyance about mum in your threads (referring her to as 'the mother' is a huge indicator to me) and frankly, as you admit to not having children yourself, what do you know?! I don't mean to be rude but a major pet hate of mine is new partners posting about how dreadful 'the mother' is when those of us who have been there, done that, can see it's simply cross-communication, an inability to stand back and recognise that the children are your partners and his exs and as such, need to be parented by their parents, and children capable of recognising that they have a set of adults who are anything but united so they manipulate the situation. Kind of like 'light blue touch paper and stand back'.

The cough is worrying. Dad needs to talk to his ex about what the problem is, what exactly the doctor has said and what follow up is required. What dad shouldn't be doing is standing by your side and saying how dreadful that cough is, why isn't mum dealing with it, without actually communication with her.

Why do you think you're going to get residence of the children? The courts (thankfully) don't view the parent with a new partner as superior to a single parent, you do know that, don't you?

Newly_retired

This may come as a weird suggestion but how about leaving your OH, the girl's Dad, to see to all the meals on the next visit?
Just to see if she is trying to play YOU up, or whether it is both of you.

RadoJo

saroec wrote: »

Their mother is very bitter towards my partner, we have been together for 2 years and earlier this year he and I split for a short time as she had started coming on to him, and being a man, he didn't know what he wanted. He realised in the end that he was thinking only of his kids and not her, and we got back together. Since then, she has threatened to move away so he can't see them, has involved the police saying he had taken them on his custody day!! Has told no end of lies to her solicitor saying he has been violent/abusive to her and her mother (?!), said he had been pestering her and constantly ringing/texting and several other ridiculous statements.

This is quite telling - you excuse his behaviour, because apparently 'being a man' means that he was just a victim of his ex's advances, yet she is to be condemned for being angry that he has presumably mislead her about his desire to get back together because he realised that he was only doing it for the children. If the kids are having problems adjusting to living between two different houses with two sets of rules, this kind of thing won't have made it any easier, so maybe it's worth letting them have some time to get to grips with the new status quo.

From the sounds of it, there is an ongoing lack of stability if all this only happened earlier this year, so it's perfectly possible that they might have believed everything was going back to 'normal' with their parents, only to find out that it wasn't after all - this could be the root of some of the problems, but the only way to resolve it is probably time and consistency.

pukkamum

saroec wrote: »

Hi everyone,

We are having a few problems with my partner's daughter (age 4) at the moment. She is incredibly stubborn when it comes to doing what she has been told, and especially when it comes to eating. She goes through phases with food, initially it was mashed potato, gravy and yorkshire puddings, but all of a sudden, she 'doesn't like them' anymore.. At the moment, the only food she will consent to eating is sausage rolls and cocktail sausages. She constantly asks for chocolate, chocolate yoghurts, crisps, cakes and biscuits. We try not to let her have them very often as she needs to eat proper food. She will say she is full just to get out of eating something, and then asks for more food less than 5 minutes after the plate has been taken away.

She has had a nasty cough on and off for about 18 months, we have been told that her mother has taken her to the doctor, though nothing ever seems to get better. She is constantly tired, despite having around 11/12 hours sleep a night. She is snoring on a nightly basis, loudly and occasionally waking herself up.

I have been doing some research on this and I am very worried that she may have asthma and that is impacting on her sleep routine. She is constantly grumpy and gets tired easily in the daytime.

It is difficult to do anything about this as we only have the children every other weekend, so we are unable to take her to the doctors ourselves.

Please please please can someone help! If anyone has been through anything like this themselves, or could offer any advice.. we are desperate!

Thanks xx

I have had exactly the same with my daughter loss of appetite but still hungry complaining of tummy ache and feeling sick after eating, also sleep apnea (stoppping breathing while asleep) and bad snoring., also constant coughing.

I took her to the doctors and she suspects it is problems with her adanoids, basically they are too big and hold infection in them which inturn leads to lots of cattarrh (sp) which is causing the coughing and loss of appetite (upset tummy from swallowing the nasty stuff) also the weight of them makes the throat 'collapse' when in bed causing the snoring and apnea, which leads to constant waking and tiredness.

We have been referred to ENT with a view to them being removed.

duchy

saroec wrote: »

Yeah, you're right, I feel that if i go and empty the cupboard I might get told off though! Lol.

By whom ? Your partner? Surely you'd have discussed as a couple the concerns.

I presume you don't have kids yourself -so maybe let HIM be the parent and take a step back yourself with the child rearing for a bit as you don't seem to be helping the situation ?

As for "being a man" why on earth are you absolving him of all responsibility......hmm seems to be YOU taking on trying to sort out his child too. Is he really so incapable of adult decisions in any area of his life ?

onlyroz

I can't comment on much here, but I do know that I wouldn't let a four year old choose what they had for dinner.