Problems with partner's daughter!

saroec

Well, I came on here to ask for advice on how to try and help my partner's daughter.. I was hoping for some tips or guidance as clearly, I am new to this. There are some responses that I will take on board, but I think it is highly unfair to pick on my personal life when I hardly explained the situation. It all happened over 4 days in february.. hardly enough time for the children to think that their dad was moving back in, especially as he only went to see her once.

A lot of you are incredibly, and quite unfairly, judgemental.. one previous post said I am bitter towards my partner's ex, as I refer to her as 'their mother.' To be honest, I don't know what else I would refer to her as.. I can't call her by her name.. there is no bitterness, she is my partner's children's mother, and she will always be a part of their lives. My only issue would be that she still has feelings for my partner, and that has absolutely nothing to do with the children.

clearingout - thank you, we will certainly be discussing what you have said about guidelines at meal times, I agree with you that a pudding should be a treat. However, without knowing the full situation, please could you kindly refrain from making these judgemental statements about your pet hates etc. I have deliberately not told the full story with regards to my partner's ex as there has been solicitor involvement and it is all very much my partners business, so not for me to talk about.

With regards to custody, my partner has spoken to his ex about it and she has said that she is OK with it when the kids can make their own choice about it. His son already expresses a desire to come and live with us on a weekly basis.

My partner and I share the cooking, it is the both of us who have appealed on here for guidance, not just myself. And also it is not me she plays up for as my partner is always the one to take food to the table, and the one to be on hand for gentle encouragement at times.

duchy - at what point was it decided I'm 'not helping the situation?' I don't have that much of an input into their lives, the decisions are made by their father, and I have never indicated otherwise. The cupboard with the treats in is also a cupboard for when he wants something sweet.. that was what I was referring to, as he is a grown man, capable of making his own decisions, why should I take chocolate away from him?

pukkamum - thank you for your response, I hope everything is resolved for you soon!

Ultimately, I came on here to reach out for someone to help guide us to do the right thing by the children. I do not have children myself, so where better to ask for help than a forum with people who have children and who may have had similar experiences. I am disappointed at the amount of people so readily willing to make me the bad person, due to a couple of things that I have typed that have been misinterpreted. At no point was I laying blame on my partner, his ex, his children, anyone else.. and at no point did I express bitterness.

I am still incredibly worried about my partner's daughter, worried that she isn't getting a good enough quality of sleep, that she is constantly run down and ill, leaving her vulnerable to other problems, the eating issue doesn't help this, and that is the bottom line of this thread.

duchy

saroec wrote: »

duchy - at what point was it decided I'm 'not helping the situation?' I don't have that much of an input into their lives, the decisions are made by their father, and I have never indicated otherwise. The cupboard with the treats in is also a cupboard for when he wants something sweet.. that was what I was referring to, as he is a grown man, capable of making his own decisions, why should I take chocolate away from him?

Oh dear I am so sorry I've just realized how young you are .
Grown-ups do it differently. They really won't care about not getting a chocolate treat if it's their own child's welfare at issue so you don't need to worry about "telling offs".

jojo_2012_2

clearingout wrote: »

I don't get what's so hard about cooking something (one thing), serving it up, sitting down together to eat it and refusing to give in to demands for anything else. I am single mum to 3 young children. This is our routine and they know full well if they don't eat, there's nothing other than fruit to eat until the next meal is due. You should re-think, in my opinion, on the pudding side - telling a child they can only have pudding if they eat something they don't really want only serves to make the pudding that much more attractive.

This is exactly the attitude to food I have with my son :T
Vegetables hold no significance over any other type of food on the plate. The plate he gets is what I give him and that's the end of it. If he won't eat it he'll either get it back or get fruit.

OP if you'refeeding a 4 year old sausages (so salty!!), then you only have yourselves to blame, the childs mum isn't demanding they feed the child is and you're giving in!!!

As for the cough issue. Next time the child starts coughing get DH to phone mum, ask if it's ok for him to take her to the dr to get checked out. I can't see any mother saying no to this, and it will avoid arguments.

Poppy9

I've read this thread and haven't taken any posters replies as judgemental.

It's often the case on forums that when we get responses that are sometimes constructive criticism that we react badly.

I've only viewed closely the break up of one of my siblings marriages when his children were very young. The marriage was dead, but his ex loved him deeply though when they were together they were a disaster. He went on to meet someone new and have a more children while still seeing his other children weekly. His children he left behind though were VERY affected by their parents not being together and had a rough few years

Some children do adapt well to their parents breaking up and some don't.

You are the "step mom" so you have to tread very carefully. You can never imply any criticism of their mother, she is their mother and your partner chose to have a family with her and you must always remember this.

The food issue you've been given good advice. IMO you seeming to be making a big deal out of the food thing from the chosing, preparation and eating of the dish. Just try to make sure she has plenty of fluids and she'll eat when ready. Good idea to not buy any junk. We have phases of that in this house but we survive:D

Finally cough. Your OH can take DD to A&E or out of hours doctors service when she is having a bad coughing fit if it's while she is with you.

DD was always bunged up and used to have sporadic coughing fits when young but when I took her to Gp she was always in a good phase!!! Once though picking up a prescription for my hayfever medication she had a coughing fit in surgery. Receptionist asked me if I wanted her to see GP when I asked for glass of water. GP listened to her chest and said she was wheezing so she has asthma. DD still has asthma 8 years later but it's linked to allergies so is bad hayfever season and have to watch dust, perfume sprays etc.

The advice on forums is usually well meant but sometimes comes over as blunt but that is not the intention. As you have realised your posts have not come across as you intended, so consider the same with replies. They do care, they took the time to answer. Maybe some parts rang a bit too true for you and it was hard to take but I'm sure you will take on board as you sound keen to be a good step parent.

adamantine

the general advice from most of us is that you give the child a meal and thats it. no alternative, no options. you decide, you cook, you serve. end of story.

but you say you dont want to do that as she will refuse to eat. she refuses to eat coz she knows that if she kicks off she gets chocolate, crisps or whatever she wants. remove that ability. she is old enough to understand that she needs to eat and if she doesnt there is no alternative whatsoever. it wont harm her to miss a meal or 2 over a few days till she gets the message.

princessdreamer

I do agree with other posters, you come accross as very young. Having no children of your own and only the fun times with your partners children. Of course children express a want to live with the fun parent, if they did live with you they would want the mother instead. Life as a full time parent is very different to having a child day in day out, you can go days on end without sleep, be cleaning sick up at 4am. The constant fight to get them to eat, sleep, brush hair, clean teeth and do homework.
Your relationship is still new and unstable, until it is more solid you are not the step mother, just the fathers girlfriend. you only become a real step mother on marriage but that is another debate. As for his relationship with the mother, you never can or will know what goes on between them. He could be telling her anything, they had many years together, chose to have children together. Deep down she probably knows him a lot better than you. My ex did try it on with me after he left saying how awful his mistress was and got told where to go. I was honest and told her but she chose to believe his lies and laugh at me. Not my problem he moved on to someone else as his bit on the side and still lives with the deluded mistress.

The food issue is not such a big deal, put the food down in front of her. she either eats or does not her choice. Children on the whole will not starve themselves.
As for the cough moving beds frequently can cause children to become unwell. it could be fine during the week then she changes beds and off we go again.

FBaby

My post wasn't intended to be judgemental but to give you advice from personal experience, both as a child, a step-parent and now a mum of children with a step-mum. It is not a criticism to say that not being a mum yourself yet means that you can't have the full perspective of the situation. Some things you almost systematically need to experience to be able to fully understand.

I don't think you are acting badly, on the opposite, I think you are trying way too hard to do things right, and sometimes, too much can be doing more harm than good. One outcome of this that is so common is when a step-mother invests herself 100% in the life of her step-children and then has children herself. She suddenly - and totally understandibly- protects her own children, spends more time with them and starts to realise that indeed, you are most likely to love your own child differently to your step-children (especially if they don't live with you).

You haven't been long with your partner and it is just too early to start getting involved in essential parental decisions such as discipline and health. Your partner can deal with this himself. Take things as they come and make the best of your role as a step-mum, that is enjoying their presence and the affection they share with you, without the weight of responsibility towards them.

duchy

I don't think the child has problems-she's testing limits but all kids do that .

You're "just" the girlfriend for now-Let the child have time with her Dad whilst she's adjusting to the new situation and stop trying to take over. If you want a proper relationship with the child then you need to build it slowly -you are entitled to exactly nothing -and whilst you can try and force your own wants and needs on the child-it'll rebound on you. So if you genuinely are both in it for the long term (or even just might be) then let her Dad be the parent and once they are properly established then build your own role of more than just a spare adult in the home. Really she has a Mum she doesn't need another-but she'd probably appreciate a big sister !

doodoot

Do NOT let a 4 year old dictate what she wants for her meals - make the food, place it on the table and if she kicks off remove the plate.

Tell her that she has the choice to eat it or go hungry...and there will be no other options, i.e. chocolate or sausage rolls (which in my opinion is ruddy ridiculous considering how ill you say she is, as surely you should be giving her more healthy wholesome food?).

Her father has parental responsibility, so why hasn't he exercised that right and taken her to her GP and heard what he/she has to say about his daughter's health? He should make an appointment asap.

If his ex kicks off and mentions stopping contact, tell him to tell her to stop being childish and that he will take her to court - what judge is going to agree that a father was wrong to take his sick daughter to a GP?!

saroec

I'm not trying to BE their mum, just try and help my partner do right by them when they are here. We have a great relationship, they tell me stories and we play games together, I help her get changed in the morning, and at bedtime, she lets me brush her hair, and wash her face. She will come to sit with me and give me a hug, and tell me she loves me.

The cough starts before we even pick her up, she's coughing all the way home in the car, she can have coughing fits after running around, which is why I thought it might be asthma.

With regards to the sweet cupboard.. it is one shelf of a high up cupboard, so when the children are here they can't go peeking into it. My partner will eat things out of there more commonly when the children have gone back to their mums.

Does anyone have any suggestions of good meals to try them both with?