Problems with partner's daughter!

saroec

Thanks for your replies..

Emm-in-a-pickle - it's not just a random one off cough, it's a really unpleasant chesty one, and when she has one of her all too regular coughing fits, she starts to cry, and it's not nice to see her coughing like that anyway, let alone knowing it's upsetting her. We get the children once every 2 weeks from Friday to Monday, and then the following Thursdays (sorry I forgot to mention that), and her cough has been there pretty much all the time. She seems to be ill with something every other weekend, whether it be stomach bugs/sickness or colds/coughs/sore throats. She coughs more after running about, and yes, after she shouts a bit, but my partner is worried too, so I know that there is something amiss.

With regards to the food, we never make it a 'big deal,' she tells us what she wants for dinner, and she gets it (though it is normally a sausage roll or cocktail sausages). The only boundary is that if she wants dessert, she must eat her dinner, which I think is fair, as my partner's son (age 5) has the same boundaries. We have tried the new bits, she just picks them up from her plate and drops them onto the table and says she doesn't want to try it.. We invented a 'new food day' in order for them to try new foods alongside recognised ones, which my partner's son adores. So she isn't included in these any more, as she just refuses to eat anything at all, even if it's a food she recognises and enjoys.

The stubbornness isn't just with food though, it can be from anyone in the house telling her to put her brothers toys down (as she has a tendency to bend/break things.. probably just exploring them, but she has broken a lot of his toys this way) and she will point blank refuse, scrunch up her face and stand still in some sort of peaceful protest..

Molly41 - We have the children over Christmas so we are getting the ball rolling on Monday and making her a doctor's appointment and can hopefully get further appointments if needed.

At her mum's, we can only go on what we have been told, which is that she eats crisps (two bags a day) and she eats kitkats and yoghurts. We try to cook food with them so they know what goes into it, my partner's son is a huge fan of my homemade bolognese with rice (as he is not keen on pasta like spaghetti), with plenty of onion and carrots, so we cook it together. He tells us that at home, his bolognese comes out of a tin.

Their mother is very bitter towards my partner, we have been together for 2 years and earlier this year he and I split for a short time as she had started coming on to him, and being a man, he didn't know what he wanted. He realised in the end that he was thinking only of his kids and not her, and we got back together. Since then, she has threatened to move away so he can't see them, has involved the police saying he had taken them on his custody day!! Has told no end of lies to her solicitor saying he has been violent/abusive to her and her mother (?!), said he had been pestering her and constantly ringing/texting and several other ridiculous statements.

Judi - thanks for the advice, more baths (if that is possible! haha!).. I think we will definitely try that.

jackyann - as I have mentioned earlier, seeing the Dr with the ex would not be an option, as she is far from accommodating!

paidinchickens - I can see exactly what you are saying, I fear it is some sort of control issue on her part.. but we don't want her to develop any food phobias or anything due to it. Partner gives in to her, so i'm scared of being seen as the 'wicked stepmother' figure!

adamantine

one thing you could do is remove the choice. rather than ask her what she wants for tea give her 2 options or just put the food down in front of her and thats it. when kids have a choice or too much choice they can get confused and her saying she wants sausages, when maybe she has had them 3 or 4 times already that week, and is faced with them means she changed her mind and doesnt want to eat the same thing again.

Sambucus_Nigra

When I'm ill, I just want comfort food too.

So, the first step is to work out what the problem is...

And on the food front. She constantly asks for chocolate etc - well, don't have them in the house.

She is hungry 5 mins after the plate is taken away - well, don't throw the food away, just heat it back up for her.

Perhaps give her one sausage/roll on her plate, then a choice of foods in dishes that everyone can choose; and encourage her to have more choices than her dad - or to try something new every time in return for a star on her chart.

saroec

Adamantine - The only thing with that is then she refuses to eat at all..

She refuses anything in a sauce (including gravy which she used to eat regularly, but now she won't touch). A while ago she started retching after putting bread in her mouth (a behaviour her brother used to have at the same age).

saroec

Sambucus Nigra - we don't have huge quantities of them in the house, but that doesn't stop her asking. She asked for walkers ready salted crisps, but we didn't have them, so we gave her pom bear ready salted instead (which she loves), and she cried for at least 10 minutes.

We do reheat the food she leaves, but more often than not, it ends up going cold again and she doesn't eat it for a second time.

adamantine

saroec wrote: »

Adamantine - The only thing with that is then she refuses to eat at all..

She refuses anything in a sauce (including gravy which she used to eat regularly, but now she won't touch). A while ago she started retching after putting bread in her mouth (a behaviour her brother used to have at the same age).

there could be a genuine food phobia but if she has been eating well and now doesnt then it is, IME just attention seeking.

she will not starve herself. she will get hungry and eat. she is used to getting what she wants at her mums and she is trying to get the same level of control at yours.

saroec

Adamantine - She used to eat bread crusts first, before the middle bit, sometimes before even eating whatever sandwich filler she had. She could wolf down a huge plate of mashed potato, 2 yorkshire puddings and gravy.

She is such a wonderful little girl, but their visits here get tainted by her bad moods when she doesn't get her own way.

FBaby

ummm, there is a lot more to this than just health concerns etc which makes me think that the best thing for you to do is stay away from any contentious issues relating to the children. I'm all for the step-mum (or even father's partner as you are now) getting involved in medical/school/discipline issues, when things are ok between the mother and father, but when there is conflict, and in your case, unclarity in terms of their relationship, i would definitely not steer things up by stepping over your role.

To be honest, I felt a sense of competition in your message with the mum (they boy loves my cooking whilst his mum isn't good) and that is just the worse situation for the children. You are not competiting with their mum, it's not about who can give better food, discipline best and cares more about her medical needs. If you continue to get too involved in matters that are very for the two parents to decide on, you are only risking to bring on more conflict into it at the risk of your partner to be kept away from his children.

Let her dad deal with these concerns, focus on being pleasant and caring, having fun doing things with them, but letting them do things with their dad too.

claire16c

saroec wrote: »

With regards to the food, we never make it a 'big deal,' she tells us what she wants for dinner, and she gets it (though it is normally a sausage roll or cocktail sausages).

A 4 year old is allowed to dictate what she gets for dinner? Why arent you just giving her what you are eating for dinner? Adamantine is right you need to remove the choice.

If she then refuses to eat then let her. She wont die of starvation and eventually will realise you arent giving in.

Reheat whatever it was if she then decides later she wants to eat it. Its going to be hard if her mum is giving in to her, but i think you need to keep at it.

Sambucus_Nigra

saroec wrote: »

Sambucus Nigra - we don't have huge quantities of them in the house, but that doesn't stop her asking. She asked for walkers ready salted crisps, but we didn't have them, so we gave her pom bear ready salted instead (which she loves), and she cried for at least 10 minutes.

We do reheat the food she leaves, but more often than not, it ends up going cold again and she doesn't eat it for a second time.

But you do have them, which means she can eat them. If there aren't any, then she can't, can she?

It sounds like she is calling all the shots here.