Problems with partner's daughter!

saroec

Hi everyone,

We are having a few problems with my partner's daughter (age 4) at the moment. She is incredibly stubborn when it comes to doing what she has been told, and especially when it comes to eating. She goes through phases with food, initially it was mashed potato, gravy and yorkshire puddings, but all of a sudden, she 'doesn't like them' anymore.. At the moment, the only food she will consent to eating is sausage rolls and cocktail sausages. She constantly asks for chocolate, chocolate yoghurts, crisps, cakes and biscuits. We try not to let her have them very often as she needs to eat proper food. She will say she is full just to get out of eating something, and then asks for more food less than 5 minutes after the plate has been taken away.

She has had a nasty cough on and off for about 18 months, we have been told that her mother has taken her to the doctor, though nothing ever seems to get better. She is constantly tired, despite having around 11/12 hours sleep a night. She is snoring on a nightly basis, loudly and occasionally waking herself up.

I have been doing some research on this and I am very worried that she may have asthma and that is impacting on her sleep routine. She is constantly grumpy and gets tired easily in the daytime.

It is difficult to do anything about this as we only have the children every other weekend, so we are unable to take her to the doctors ourselves.

Please please please can someone help! If anyone has been through anything like this themselves, or could offer any advice.. we are desperate!

Thanks xx

Emm-in-a-pickle

It sounds like this little one is already learning to play one lot against the other. That`s just human intelligence, though a that age the poor kid doesn`t know enough to know what to ask for! (Been there, many years ago and next door`s youngest also just recently emerged from similar pattern.)
Sounds like you have TWO separate worries. It`s good that you care enough to worry about her but you must analyse WHY.
1) the cough.
Small children (and you have this one every TWO weeks) often seem frequently to have coughs & snotty noses, especially those with siblings or those who attend nursery where they trade germs like fleas at a dog-show! Also she COULD be cough-free for a period when you don`t see her. It could also be brought on by an environmental change (more/less central heating cold or humidity between your place & her mums) and also (like next door`s youngest & one of my old fosterlings and doctors don`t help!) from often yelling herself hoarse! Is she wheezy? (If she`s wheezy coughing & you`re worried take her to A&E) Is it a dry or wet or hoarse cough? You say her mum has taken her to the doctor, and that she snores - she could have large adenoids, that would swell with any minor infection but tend to shrink as child grows, so Dr wouldn`t advise surgery if otherwise healthy (my daughter snored like a piglet & they wouldn`t touch her till she was 17 , did tonsils & adenoids.)

2)The Eating pattern.
We`re Mammals, food is incredibly emotive, deep psychology here - our `need to feed` as well as our need to be fed. Young children particularly, and teenagers & the elderly can sometimes feel that this is the only way they have any sense of `control` while those whose task it is to feed them get equally stressed out. This would fit with her being `incredibly stubborn`, which tells me YOU are in this loop too.
My advice on the food issue is FIRST, for yours & partners sake as well as this little girl - relax.DO NOT make eating into a Big Deal, or that just reinforces her current behaviour about food. DON`T do a formal `mealtime` next time she visits, just do a plate of `bits` including new items she might like and don`t take it away, put a few new things out for her and don`t watch or pressure, and just act (HARD doing this) like you really aren`t that bothered about any of it, let her feel `control` and pick or leave. And stick to it, she won`t waste away.
Good luck with this, I know it`s hard enough when the child is your own, harder still with steps etc.

Molly41

I think this is better placed in the Money and Relationships section.

I wonder if her Dad can take her to the doctors?

Food - I used to put small amounts of different foods on my kid's plate and ask them just to try a little. It takes many try's before they decide they either like or hate an item. Also it sounds like her Mum "gives in" to her food issues and so it will be very difficult at your house. Perhaps you can try talking to mum?

You can only do what you can do and dont make meal-times a big issue x

System

I worried myself sick over my middle son. Its not that he was particularly fussy over his food when he was little but he just never wanted to eat. He was diagnosed as asthmatic at the age of 2 and boy was he ill with it. I could see him getting taller but boy was he thin! He had sores round his mouth (which i swear was because he was so run down). The biggest change i made was to take him off cows milk completely and put him on soya substitutes. This seemed to help ease his 'congestion' and his appetite increased and wasnt so 'snotted up'. However, this isnt something you could adopt without the permission of her doctor and without probably stepping on the ex'es toes.

Plenty of warm steamy baths helped keep his tiny nasal passages open and all i had to do then was keep encouraging him to blow his nose.

Keen to get as much fruit and veg into my kids as possible i despaired when they turned their noses up at some of the vegetables i tried them with so i came up with changing the names of some of them. Strange how a much hated green bean became much loved when i changed the name to 'toe rags'. Even now the kids remind me of the strange names i called things to get them to eat.

jackyann

I wouldn't do too much research on the medical side: your description of the symptoms made me think of something else, which also fits with poor eating. I don't feel comfortable saying what b/c diagnosing on partial history can cause more problems!
However, this is for mum & dad to deal with; maybe they could take daughter to the GP together, and make sure that ALL signs & symptoms are described - make a list, it's astonishingly easy to forget the one that might be the clincher! Also quite a good idea to talk to the Health Visitor, whose nursing background may help in making an assessment.
And I agree with not making a big deal at the moment - when you are sure she is well, then proper structure around meals is good - but she may need a bit of slack whilst this gets sorted.

paidinchickens

Four year old, what a great age :rotfl:

DH two boys live with him permanently. I moved in with my DS when his youngest was four.

We had the coughs and colds all the time. When the boys mum had contact she would always take them swimming regardless of the weather or any illnesses they had, DH thought she did it on purpose but when my DD (now older and left home) was 4 she had constant earache. DGD is now 5 and she has picked up every germ in a 10 mile radius and insists on visiting and giving it to me :rotfl::rotfl:

We went through the food thing as well.. when DD was young she went through a stage of only eating jam sandwiches

I found that my DSS are very good from a very young age at playing one parent off against the other. Mum and Dad do not want to be seen as the bad parent and so give in to them. I am seen as the wicked step mother as I can see through all the tricks. My two are a lot older and there is not a trick in the book my daughter did not try.

DH was a pain and thought I was picking on his youngest for a long long long time but now my DGD is that age he can see what his DS was like.

The wonderful world of being a step mum eh

squeaky

Hiya

I think the best place for this query is our Moneysaving in Relationships board, so I'll move it across for you.

Good luck

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Chakani

What is she like with food at Mum's? Have Mum and Dad actually talked about it? To be honest, wanting chocolate and "I don't like it!" sounds like pretty typical behaviour for her age, what small child wouldn't hold out for some higher value food if they thought there was a chance they might get it.

I think the ideal solution is for both parents to agree how they will approach this, and for both parents to react in the same way, giving the same choices, so there is no room for manipulation. I realise that there will be lots of complications between the adults that might make it hard.

clearingout

it's not difficult. You hold your boundaries. She goes hungry if she doesn't eat what you put on her plate. You can give her sausages, for example, within a casserole so it's not entirely outwith her expectations.

And if you're bothered about her health, take her to a walk-in centre when she's with you but be warned, if you did something like that without discussing with me first, it would destroy all trust and make life between parents very difficult.

FBaby

Surely if it is up for her dad to have discussion with her mum if he is concerned about her health? Is it a case that they disagree about the management of her health? It sounds like her mum has been taking her to the doctors, so it's not like she is neglecting her.

She might have some asthma, but if it is mild enough, it might indeed be considered medically appropriate not to do anything about it. If she does snore, it might mean she has bigger than average tonsils, but again, that wouldn't warrant an operation. My son had very big tonsils as a toddler which impacted on his sleep, but my GP said it was common and things to settle with time. Indeed, at almost 9, it isn't an issue any longer.

What you need to assess is what exactly her mum has done without making it sound like you are judging her for not doing what is right, because for one, she might herself be concerned but is going by what her GP is telling her, for 2, his advice might be correct and indeed, there is nothing to worry about. If she is 4, she most likely has started school. Kids who start school often show signs of tiredness for the first few months and grumpiness comes with it. She might very well be a typical 4 year old and you guys are over reacting. In the end, it all comes down to communication between your partner and his ex.

adamantine

food is the one thing that children can control and ive had some epic battles with my eldest over food!!

what worked for me was if he refused to eat it, i took it away. if he said he was hungry it was reheated and given back. if he didnt eat it then it went in the bin and he got nothing else till breakfast. snacks were cut to zero and milk and water was monitored so that he wasnt filling himself up on liquids and losing his appetite. he soon learnt that after 1-2 days that i meant business and he ate. even if he didnt like it as long as he tried it and genuinly didnt like it i would make something else for him but he could not refuse to eat totally.

might be a bit more difficult as you only have her at the weekends but i think both sides need to sit down and chat and figure out if this is something that she does all the time at both houses or just at yours and what the mother does when she behaves like that and come to an agreement. if the relationship is that civil mind.