A new 'tougher' thread... and so it continues

fuddle

Brilliant, thank you for the Adams heads up. I'll have a look this afternoon.:)

shelley_crow

prepareathome wrote: »

Aw bless you smileyt, hubby is just hubby he cannot see beyond the physical he would say the same to anyone and has in the past - he looks sees me as fat and so tells me, he cannot remember I was slim in past, or what I am like inside, he is like this with everything - if I say I am going to do this or that in the house its useless to him he cannot picture it at all, he has to see it. Its not as if he thinks of himself as handsome or perfect, he will tell you how he has a tummy ( true but is skinny everywhere else) and balding. When i dress up he will tell me I look nice just shame I am so fat, just the way he is so I try hard not to let it upset me but it does at times - think depression is hitting me a bit as been feeling a bit down on and off lately.

PAH I'm not being funny but if I had someone telling me I was fat everyday, I'm sure it would make me depressed too! His behaviour is having an impact on your health. I can't believe he is treating you like this. He's not just being him, he's being very unreasonable. Many of us are taught at a young age that there are things you say and things you keep to yourself, that lesson must have passed him by! Blurting out insults at people is a conscious choice and something he has to stop. Don't feel you have to put up with it :A

kitschy

prepareathome wrote: »

Aw thanks everyone, have been up most of the night having a long, long and calm think about my marriage, will not put things here as this forum not the place but if anyone wants to see what I have thought about you will find it on my site under today's date in diary, not filled it in, in ages, but it helped to sort out things in my head........

Oh PAH :grouphug: It's so hard to believe that you are worth more if you are surrounded by people and thoughts that say the opposite. But you ARE!

I have been in a bit of a slump but have recently managed to get out of the fog a bit and am feeling a lot better about me and realising that there are things and people in my life that only bring negativity. Bit by bit I'm moving myself away from them, and it's really making a difference. I know your situation is different, but I think getting it out on your diary is a great idea. On someone else's advice, I made a list of things I am good at, and am proud of about myself, and it's really helped me to look at it occasionally. Take baby steps to bring more positive in, and move negative away, and you WILL get there.

VJsmum

prepareathome wrote: »

Aw thanks everyone, have been up most of the night having a long, long and calm think about my marriage, will not put things here as this forum not the place but if anyone wants to see what I have thought about you will find it on my site under today's date in diary, not filled it in, in ages, but it helped to sort out things in my head........

Oh PAH your diary is one of the saddest things I have ever read. Love, that isn't a marriage - truly it isn't. It is something akin to mother:son relationship but, even then, I should like to think I would get more respect from my son. My OH and I aren't in each others pockets but we are a partnership and we pull together - headed in the same direction. If he were ill or incapacitated I would feed him, wipe his bum (sorry if TMI) and wash him and I know, not think - KNOW, he would do the same. You have put up with living a half life for a long time - I was gobsmacked when you said your husband was only 58, that should be a man in his prime. It sounds as though you are all terribly miserable. I am not sure of the solution - but you probably do if you can be brave enough. Take care of you - no-one should put up with that.

Mrs_Chip

Oh PAH what can anyone say to help - I think you know that your situation is awful. I know only too well my OH has a childish side to him, selfish and irresponsible. His favourite phrase to me is 'get off my case' because he cannot stand to have his shortcomings pointed out, and I am a nag telling him to clear up his mess or get his !!!!! in gear to do things he has left and left. But he does help around the house, sometimes gives me the pip offering to do things I can easily do, so perhaps I should be more grateful!

My father has done the same as your OH - although much older - once he retired that was it, bum in chair, telly on al full blast and no interests other than the pub. Poor mum had been looking forward to retirement as a chance to go out together, but he just planted himself . I am sure the stress of living with him led to her stroke.

Perhaps you need to finally put your foot down with OH and family - and you need to find a way to get out of the house that is not reliant on them, perhaps friends or join a groups that meets locally? There may be a support group that would be able to help you to get things moving, but essentially I think you need to find the strength to break the cycle of being downtrodden by those around you - and you may find that as your own self worth grows your physical abilities grow too - I personally believe that own own self doubts have a major impact on own own well being, not to say we don't get ill, just that our state of mind determines how able we are to cope with illness.

Whatever you decide to do, you know we are all here for you xxx

Byatt

PAH, I haven't read your blog but will do, just wanted to say, when you're in the marriage it is so hard to see what others outside see, especially when you are worn down by emotional abuse. I don't say that lightly. I was totally unaware how bad things were with my ex until a year after he left (well, I told him to leave because of other reasons) and was truly shocked. It's insidious. I'm not saying you need to do anything drastic now, but maybe try and change the way you respond to your OH and your son. (he has learned from his father how to treat you with so little respect)...and as far as using your address write to all relevant people, those that think he still lives there, and tell them he no longer lives with you and has not done since X time. I would have hung onto the cheque too. Hugs and more.

smileyt_2

PAH, sending you hugs.

Is there a ring and ride service where you are, or community transport? It might be worth looking into, to see if you can get out more.

Byatt

I have had a letter from the DWP, at last...I think it was written by someone who enjoys seeing people hitting their heads against brick walls. Not sure how much of a standard letter it is, or whether I just need to give up now on the future of the civil service. No apology and worse, no acknowledgement of the mistake made. It's beginning to feel like Orwell's 1984. It says, "we have looked at your claim again following a recent change." There was no change, there was however a huge mistake and worse, a total lack of knowledge on the front line. Sigh.

Popperwell

fuddle wrote: »

Yip pops we're in for a rough one. I've been up since 4 because of the rain pelting on the window. Did you get the thunder about 6.30am?

My sister is coming to spend the day with us so I won't have to do the school runs in it.

Mince and onion pie for tea tonight. Hoping to source some autumn gear for my girls cheaply today online too. Kids clothes are quite expensive. The sooner I can hone my sewing machine skills and build up a collection of patterns to make our own clothes the better.

Hope the day goes well Fuddle,

A bit of company should make a nice change for you.

No one should be forced out in weather like that. Even to go to school, its not safe.

Yes, it hit here about that time and lasted too long. But since mid morning it seems to have stopped but it's dull so I suspect it will return(hopefully not as bad)

It may be Summer but with weather like this I am sure nince and onion pie will be very welcome.

I don't need to do much sewing for myself but that is a great skill to have. I can turn cuffs up or buy short sleeve shirt, its trousers that I have to shorten.

We have a shop on town that does alterations(not cheap)but having thought about it and mentioning possibly buying a small sewing machine. I think I'll go back to Wunderweb.

Mrs_Chip

Just wanted to say, for al those troubled by the hard times and OHs who are not up to the mark, if you have not done so already, try to get hold of 'Nella Last in the 50s' (I know the books are popular here) - just started reading it and so much of it echoes everything we are talking about on here, it is uncanny!