A new 'tougher' thread... and so it continues

Popperwell

Mrs_Chip wrote: »

Popperwell - We lost MiL in 2008 (we lived with her and had looked after her in one way or another for years) and my mum in 2010, so I know how hard it is to come to terms with the loss not only of someone you love but the loss of a focus in life.

Both mums were dealt a very poor hand by the NHS and Social Services, and in my mum's case my father, which has caused no end of resentment for both me and OH. All I can say is somehow you get through and things become easier. No one can tell you when or how you will start to feel like you are coming out the other side, and you might not know yourself.

I think about both of them every day, sometimes in a sad (and have a little cry) way but often it is fond memories of good times. I am sure you will come to a time when the smiles outdo the tears xx

I felt stitched up by the DN and SW as though I had no one to go to for help and they forced Mum to do some things she really should not have been. She was happy with the care I gave too but they kept using the "We're the professionals, we know best" line.

I keep going through the could I have done more, did I miss something but the very few family that exists, neighbours and even taxi drivers said I went beyond the call of duty(I did it out of love)and could not have done more(I'm not a saint)and sometimes an odd things comes to mind where I could've nicer perhaps.

That was frustration knowing I needed to get nourishment into her. But I really had a close and special bond with Mum. I got unconditional love which I will never get from anyone else.

After the PM the coroner said no matter how much I feed and gave her drink she was no longer getting the goodness out of it and though they said her cancer was a very slow one and she would probably go of old age or other causes(so no time limit put on her)they put pneumonia as the first cause.

I had no idea bshe had it. However, the week before she passed on her temperture was higher and she was sweating so did the Nursing home let her down?

I'll never know...

It won't bring Mum back though...I must try not to beat myself up and feel guilty or sorry for myself.

Evie74_2

Popperwell, I understand your concerns about your own future - have you thought of Power of Attorney? that way you can have quite a lot of say in how you are treated down the line.

That's a good point Grandma47 , you can make Lasting Powers of Attorney dealing with finances and also (separately) dealing with health and welfare matters. You can download the forms at www.justice.gov.uk (see the section on "Office of the Public Guardian"). The powers have to be registered with the Office of the Public Guardian before they can be used, but they might be a good idea for the future, especially if you have strong feelings or have had a bad experience with care. It's a good way to make sure your wishes are represented if ever you are too unwell to speak up for yourself.

Evie xx

Mrs_Chip

Popperwell -my mum spent the last four years of her life paralysed in bed due to a stroke and was seen the night before she died by her GP who did not pick up that she had pneumonia. But if he had she might have died in hospital rather than having a lovely morning with my brother, so what was the right or wrong thing (they would not have resuscitated her). We cannot change the past but our worries about the past can change or future, so you owe it to you mum not to let that happen xx

Evie74_2

Popperwell - I am sure you did all you could for your mum. The problem with being the one left behind is that you have time to think and analyse every little thing that you ever said or did, and reproach yourself for not being perfect all the time. I am sure your mum was so proud of you, and appreciated all the love and support you gave her. That's what matters really. Try and think of the happy times as well as the recent stuff.

I am lucky that I still have my mum. I lost my beloved aunt 11 years ago; she was only 46 when she died, after a long illness. At the time I thought the pain would never go away. I still think of her most days, and I still get caught out by grief sometimes (it sneaks up at the strangest times), but mostly I can focus on the happy memories and be thankful that I knew her for as long as I did. You'll get there. I don't know how long it will take, but you will get there.

Evie xx

Popperwell

It is true, it sneaks up and "Bites you on the bum!" Thankfully, most of the time(we shared a love of music)many types but what I call real "Easy" listening music(sung and instrumental)not heard much on radio these days and I had an mp3 player going 24/7 whcih Mum loved. I thought I may not be able to listen after Mum passed away but most of the time I find that I am able to.

It seems strange doing so alone, then again, I am still getting the pleasure, I am doing it for her too. There have been some lovely documentaries on the radio lately that I know she would have enjoyed. I have added some more music to my collection I know Mum would have liked too.

Funny isn't it Mum liked David Jacobs' programme and missed him when he took ill and wondered what had happened to him. Mum passes away and in a week's time he returns to the radio and she'll never hear it again or know what happened to him...

I/we have such a wide appreciation of music and I go back decades and over many genres(even some new stuff)but mykind of "easy" listening is Como, Fitzgerald, Sinatra, Bennett, Matthis, Damone, Stafford, Torm!, Cole etc...Mum even had on her mp3 player Paul McCartney singing "Standards" backed by Diana Krall.

Popperwell

Again you are all right what you say...on Mum's final day, she wasn't speaking and had one expresion, I wondered if they were giving her too much morphine(the coroner's office suggested not. I don't think she could have done this again but I'd been with her all night...I kissed her on gthe forehead, told Mum what she meant to me, kissed her on the lips. She gave me the strongest kiss I have ever had in my life. I think that she was letting me know how much she loved me but saying "goodbye" approx 90 minutes later she was gone...

Popperwell

I was there and still missed the final seconds...a resident who was in for respite said "You have to look after yourself" "Have lunch with me and then come back and look after your Mum" He waved to Mum, he turned to go out of the room, I said goodbye to him turned back to Mum and thought something was wrong. In that short time, she had stopped breathing and slipped away. Whether she passed away whilst he was in the room or as he left I have no idea.

kidcat

Popperwell from experience I can honestly say that often people seem to say goodbye and then almost choose to pass when you have gone. Twice its happened to me and I truly believe that was the wishes of the person involved. They simply would have hated my last moment with them to be death and distress. Sending hugs, and offering the words - this too will pass. It's got me through some really tough times.

Popperwell

kidcat wrote: »

Popperwell from experience I can honestly say that often people seem to say goodbye and then almost choose to pass when you have gone. Twice its happened to me and I truly believe that was the wishes of the person involved. They simply would have hated my last moment with them to be death and distress. Sending hugs, and offering the words - this too will pass. It's got me through some really tough times.

Of late a few people have said something similar to me kidcat strangely enough about how it's almost as though loved ones wait until you slip out of a room or have turned away for a second before they go. Thank you for your comforting words...

ginnyknit

Congratulations Littlecal, a proud Mum and deservedly so.

Byatt hope you have a lovely day. x :beer:

Terrible rain here earlier and its just starting again. When you can hear the cars driving through a stream(and have double glazing) you know its bad. I just got back in the house with DGS as it started, brilliant sunshine a minute before. Was hoping to clear the last of the weeds tomorrow and plant some more seeds in the forlorn hope something will grow. I am proud to say my redcurrant has finally fruited - bought 4 years ago for 50p - and have 3 yes 3 bunches of berries on it, they do look beautiful !