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How to get over dysfunctional families at Xmas time?
dogstarheaven
Posts: 1,382 Forumite
been dithering about this for ages, but the strain's getting a bit weary now...
i've made a decision months ago that i won't be going to mine this yr (couldn't last 3 yrs) and my OH's family is just as bad as mine, tho' his don't have family gatherings at all. my main problems re. my family are difficulties with 2 siblings out of 3 (tho' i've had my fair share with all members of the family, as i've been the black sheep from day one. the other reason, is that as we don't drive and my parents are an hour drive away, none of the family members, nor parents have bothered to pick me up (ok, the other siblings are further away from the south and i'm in the north) previous yrs, i've always gone after work on xmas eve by train and travel back 2 days later when the trains operated again. only recently, i thought why on earth did not my retired parents not bothered to offer me a lift..:(:(:( for years i've been going over to theirs carrying all the presents on a crowded train..
i know as a fully grown woman, i should take this on the chin but i can't and my reasons for coming on here is that i can't handle the fact that being at home with just me and my OH is all that i have to look forward to. his family as i said earlier, i have misgivings about as they're just as bad as mine, but they live in the same city. his parents have 2 xmas dinners at the two sisters houses separately and have always done this since the family moved up here 7 yrs ago.
last yr, we were invited round to one of the sister's house (not for dinner, just a 'visit' - wouldn't be drinks offered as their hospitality is zilch!) but i swiftly decided against it as that would of meant walking for a minimum of an hour and a half in the icy snow down hill. they had a car, but with a lot of families i think they use their kids as an excuse that they couldn't be bothered to help us. so for three hours going there and back was definately not very christian/xmassy sprited is it:(
as i don't have a very good family of my own to spend xmas with, i had hoped i would find something in my OH's family. but that wasn't the case when we first met. to this day, OH isn't so bothered about them as they're don't reciprocate the time/money that we do on their kids. he tells me that we're better off on our own as that what matters.
for me though, xmas is about being together and sharing our goodwill, seeing the kids and catching up. as we've been at home for the past 3 yrs, making a lavish dinner for 2 of us is kinda wasted (i go the whole hog as i love xmas dinner!). it would be ideal if we had a much bigger house, so that i could invite everyone round (OH's family) but i know his siblings haven't spoken to each other for past yr, and everyone hates one of SIL's OH (nasty, lazy chauvenistic ex druggie!) so there would be possible difficulties in getting some of them to come if they knew others were coming.
i know i have issues. i don't know where to go with this at all. it's getting annoying for my OH to hear of my questions about his present-buying (i'd rather make stuff than waste money on stuff that is crass and meaningless) to the point that i ought not to interfere with his family and how i shouldn't have them as my own substitute.
a couple of yrs ago, before i met my OH i had spent xmases on my own (out of the 22yrs since i left home about five on my own) and one of those yrs, i've helped out at a Salvation Army Hostel. it was good experience, but at the time, it was sad but it wasn't that busy or productive for me as most of the tenants were particularly withdrawn and unhappy due to their previous experiences with xmas. i spent the time at the hostel cleaning the kitchen out! i don't know if othr orgs are keen for vols at this point in the yr as most of them would want CRB checks, don't they?
i know that doing something similar this yr might help me as a way of contributing to the community would help.. but deep down, how do i get over the idea of not having a family to celebrate with? i have a daughter who may or may come as she lives in london now...she's always celebrated xmas with her father's family up North as they're Christians.
maybe some of you lot are going to tell me to get on with my own life as i have far too many opinions for ppl to care about... (that's for another thread for another day, that is if i can dare)
i've made a decision months ago that i won't be going to mine this yr (couldn't last 3 yrs) and my OH's family is just as bad as mine, tho' his don't have family gatherings at all. my main problems re. my family are difficulties with 2 siblings out of 3 (tho' i've had my fair share with all members of the family, as i've been the black sheep from day one. the other reason, is that as we don't drive and my parents are an hour drive away, none of the family members, nor parents have bothered to pick me up (ok, the other siblings are further away from the south and i'm in the north) previous yrs, i've always gone after work on xmas eve by train and travel back 2 days later when the trains operated again. only recently, i thought why on earth did not my retired parents not bothered to offer me a lift..:(:(:( for years i've been going over to theirs carrying all the presents on a crowded train..
i know as a fully grown woman, i should take this on the chin but i can't and my reasons for coming on here is that i can't handle the fact that being at home with just me and my OH is all that i have to look forward to. his family as i said earlier, i have misgivings about as they're just as bad as mine, but they live in the same city. his parents have 2 xmas dinners at the two sisters houses separately and have always done this since the family moved up here 7 yrs ago.
last yr, we were invited round to one of the sister's house (not for dinner, just a 'visit' - wouldn't be drinks offered as their hospitality is zilch!) but i swiftly decided against it as that would of meant walking for a minimum of an hour and a half in the icy snow down hill. they had a car, but with a lot of families i think they use their kids as an excuse that they couldn't be bothered to help us. so for three hours going there and back was definately not very christian/xmassy sprited is it:(
as i don't have a very good family of my own to spend xmas with, i had hoped i would find something in my OH's family. but that wasn't the case when we first met. to this day, OH isn't so bothered about them as they're don't reciprocate the time/money that we do on their kids. he tells me that we're better off on our own as that what matters.
for me though, xmas is about being together and sharing our goodwill, seeing the kids and catching up. as we've been at home for the past 3 yrs, making a lavish dinner for 2 of us is kinda wasted (i go the whole hog as i love xmas dinner!). it would be ideal if we had a much bigger house, so that i could invite everyone round (OH's family) but i know his siblings haven't spoken to each other for past yr, and everyone hates one of SIL's OH (nasty, lazy chauvenistic ex druggie!) so there would be possible difficulties in getting some of them to come if they knew others were coming.
i know i have issues. i don't know where to go with this at all. it's getting annoying for my OH to hear of my questions about his present-buying (i'd rather make stuff than waste money on stuff that is crass and meaningless) to the point that i ought not to interfere with his family and how i shouldn't have them as my own substitute.
a couple of yrs ago, before i met my OH i had spent xmases on my own (out of the 22yrs since i left home about five on my own) and one of those yrs, i've helped out at a Salvation Army Hostel. it was good experience, but at the time, it was sad but it wasn't that busy or productive for me as most of the tenants were particularly withdrawn and unhappy due to their previous experiences with xmas. i spent the time at the hostel cleaning the kitchen out! i don't know if othr orgs are keen for vols at this point in the yr as most of them would want CRB checks, don't they?
i know that doing something similar this yr might help me as a way of contributing to the community would help.. but deep down, how do i get over the idea of not having a family to celebrate with? i have a daughter who may or may come as she lives in london now...she's always celebrated xmas with her father's family up North as they're Christians.
maybe some of you lot are going to tell me to get on with my own life as i have far too many opinions for ppl to care about... (that's for another thread for another day, that is if i can dare)
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Comments
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Have you asked other family members for a lift?
Would you rather be on your own (with OH) at home than swallow your pride and get on the train? Does your OH go with you?
Can you not go out for lunch with another couple, or go down to your daughters for a change?0 -
in past couple of yrs, i've dropped hints about getting a lift back but none of them were bothered enough to notice. one of the siblings, my brother i really don't get one with was single until last yr and had the time to help me out but didn't. once he gave me a lift home about 7 years ago (not at xmas) and had row with me in the car on the way to mine as soon as i got to the city but needed the exact road to get to mine, but as a non car-driver, i didn't know. he said, he was fed-up and left me 3 blocks away from my street with all my bags to carry! that was the last time i got in his car. i don't think i can swallow my pride as the last time i saw my brother (Aug. this year, i got really upset and had to stay in the garden till he left my parents' house.
as a couple we don't have mutual friends. we both have few of our own, and our friends (me and him too) are from completely different backgrounds. and no, i don't ever think a party for everyone to come along is wise (i would love it but it'll never work as both parties will definately be divided.)
DD might come up i don't know, tho' it'll depend on her BF and his job.
when i do go to my parents', my OH has always gone, but he's usually in the background as he's quite reserved. my parents always set aside some DIY jobs for him to do tho' over his 'holiday period'! Tho' saying that, i'm too, in the background as my two sisters and their kids have always dominated the whole day. leaving me and my mum peeling all the veg (for 12 ppl!), and the two sisters titifying the end results...i also have a slight complaint about their dinner (it's always bought from M&S - all of it) it's v. minimal compared to what i make myself (everything HM and about 10 more items more on the plate!) so the dinner is probably the worse thing about going there followed closely by, being sidelined by everyone for most of the time... so yes, i know my family isn't that enjoyable to hang around with either...0 -
Do you have the option to work (and get double time, maybe!)?
Any chance of a cheap break (e.g. Travelodge) just the two of you?
I'm sure there must be places that would welcome the help. An old people's home, maybe?
Do you know any other like-minded couples that you could join up with?
Failing all of that, make the day as different from every other day as possible. Do things you would never normally do. Do some decorating, or gardening. Go for a nice walk or cycle ride. Play a board game. Stay in bed together watching videos all day. See who can eat the most mince pies.0 -
What are you asking?
that i want to have a 'happy family xmas' experience whether mine or my OH's, tho' neither families offer much opportunity for us.
well, i do have the chance to go to mine, but i have major issues with my brother and one of my sisters. most of the challenge is that i have to make my way down there but i have to rely on the trains for this as i've done so in the years gone by. this yr, i'm not happy about going down there again, as i've realised that my folks could of helped me.
i know you may think, my folks are old and maybe they don't want the hassle of travelling all that way to come back again (they did 3yrs ago and stayed for 10mins at the most to pick up a big toy car i had bought on their behalf as i couldn't take it on the train myself! and they haven't come back since!)
i know in my own family, i have my daughter (only child) but since her dad and i split up when she was a toddler it was agreed she'd spend xmases with him and his family as they were church-goers and she'd have a far truer xmas experience than spending with me on my own.0 -
Why dont you invite them all to your house.
Problem solved, you'll know then who can be bothered or notmake the most of it, we are only here for the weekend.
and we will never, ever return.0 -
dogstarheaven wrote: »that i want to have a 'happy family xmas' experience whether mine or my OH's, tho' neither families offer much opportunity for us.
well, i do have the chance to go to mine, but i have major issues with my brother and one of my sisters. most of the challenge is that i have to make my way down there but i have to rely on the trains for this as i've done so in the years gone by. this yr, i'm not happy about going down there again, as i've realised that my folks could of helped me.
i know you may think, my folks are old and maybe they don't want the hassle of travelling all that way to come back again (they did 3yrs ago and stayed for 10mins at the most to pick up a big toy car i had bought on their behalf as i couldn't take it on the train myself! and they haven't come back since!)
i know in my own family, i have my daughter (only child) but since her dad and i split up when she was a toddler it was agreed she'd spend xmases with him and his family as they were church-goers and she'd have a far truer xmas experience than spending with me on my own.
Right so a xmas full of fun and laughter, bonding, love, happiness and joy, do any of your family members give you that?
Whoever does invite them ,stay with them, enjoy them and let the others don't do their own thing and wish them a very merry xmas:D0 -
JimmyTheWig wrote: »Do you have the option to work (and get double time, maybe!)?
I'm sure there must be places that would welcome the help. An old people's home, maybe?
Do you know any other like-minded couples that you could join up with?
Failing all of that, make the day as different from every other day as possible. Do things you would never normally do. Do some decorating, or gardening. Go for a nice walk or cycle ride. Play a board game. Stay in bed together watching videos all day. See who can eat the most mince pies.Any chance of a cheap break (e.g. Travelodge) just the two of you?
holiday? we were meant to for our annual hol this winter but money's the prob (don't want to accrue any debts)
work? i don't bxxxxy think so!
sharing with other ppl? no
alt ideas to do as a couple? we do all those things normally so nothing new there.
having a drinks and nibbles party for his family have been thought about tho' the (terrace) house is v small as there's a tiny living room and a small kitchen which is hardly the place for a family of 11 to come over and relax! when one of them has a new council house with lots of space, but has she ever invited ppl over for drinks??? the other sister's house is a dump (that's really bad of me to admit this, but it's really true - animal urine smells that SIL is too lazy to deal with and has been ingrained in carpet for months on end, so i think she'd be too ashamed to invite ppl over)
anyway, i know one of the sisters won't go and it'll just be one and her kids and his parents.0 -
So no-one in your family is nice or helpful, your Christmas experiences have been terrible and you're asking what you should do this year?
Fire them off.Stone walls do not a prison make, nor iron bars a cage.0 -
You cant change how others are but i do believe you can control your own happiness...
Forget about everyone else..spend xmas day in bed with your oh scoffing chocolates and drinking champagne- or whatever activity you wish lol
You arent going to get the happy ever after - truth is most of us dont have paerfect families or in laws or children for that matter and lifes too short to be trying to influence things you cant.
Make yourself and your oh happy. Do something different go out for xmas lunch (if finances allow) just try and make the most of it xxx0
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