How to get over dysfunctional families at Xmas time?

Bennifred

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Oh dear, that seems really sad. Don't you get on?

Maybe inappropriate, but this made me laugh!:rotfl:

Oldernotwiser

Bennifred wrote: »

Maybe inappropriate, but this made me laugh!:rotfl:

I can't imagine anything nicer than a Christmas with just me and my husband so it puzzles me when someone doesn't want to do that.

System

to be completely honest op you do sound like a bit of a moaner! if you don't want to travel then say so to your family ,i did this once my dd arrived and Christmas has been my kind of perfect ever since , relaxed and peaceful

CH27

There is no such thing as a perfect family christmas.
there is no such thing as a perfect family.

Everyone has faults & issues & your life is what YOU make it.

thorsoak

dogstarheaven wrote: »

that i want to have a 'happy family xmas' experience whether mine or my OH's, tho' neither families offer much opportunity for us.

well, i do have the chance to go to mine, but i have major issues with my brother and one of my sisters. most of the challenge is that i have to make my way down there but i have to rely on the trains for this as i've done so in the years gone by. this yr, i'm not happy about going down there again, as i've realised that my folks could of helped me.

i know you may think, my folks are old and maybe they don't want the hassle of travelling all that way to come back again (they did 3yrs ago and stayed for 10mins at the most to pick up a big toy car i had bought on their behalf as i couldn't take it on the train myself! and they haven't come back since!)

i know in my own family, i have my daughter (only child) but since her dad and i split up when she was a toddler it was agreed she'd spend xmases with him and his family as they were church-goers and she'd have a far truer xmas experience than spending with me on my own.

Your "happy family Christmas" just isn't going to happen - you've told us you don't get on with your family (and they don't gt on with you) and that you don't like parts of OH's family - so give up on the idea of playing Happy Families - unless all ofyou have personality transplants!

Why don't you and OH just go away somewhere nice on your own - just the two of you - that's your family unit - and you can be happy in your own company. That's what I would do if I were in your shoes.

I do hope that whatever you do, you have a lovely time.

podperson

I'm sorry but it does sound like you've built up this ideal fantasy Christmas experience - and unfortunately very few people out of childhood actually have that. You've said if you go to your family's then you'll be in the background, peeling spuds, feeling ignored and possibly falling out with people again - so why are you so bothered about going? Doesn't sound like it would be a fun day. In the same way, your OH's family Christmas sounds like it would be people ignoring you and arguments - why would you want to put yourself through that?

Have you asked your daughter if she would like to come to yours for Christmas? If you and her dad have always just 'agreed' she will go to theirs then maybe she's not aware you would like her there and might want to come for a change. If she doesn't then you still have your OH to spend the day with - I'm just having Christmas Day with my OH this year and am really looking forward to it! No pressure to run round seeing people, no family politics - we can eat what we want, do what we want, drink what we want I know it's maybe not your 'ideal' but perhaps you have to accept that you're being a little unrealistic and try to have a day you'll enjoy with the circumstances you're in.

burnoutbabe

why can't you or OH hire a car and drive to the parents? I choose not to have a car so get train everywhere, but i wouldn't moan that family didn't come and pick me up as i am saving the money not having a car and occasionally hire cars or taxis will be needed.

I can't imagine why you have never suggested to your daughter she have xmas with you? surely most divorced people have alternate xmas's? And if she is an adult, she does what we all do and alternate the parents we see each year.

red_devil

I cannot understand why you dont want to spend christmas day with your husband alone. We have done this for many years now and its some of the best xmases we have ever had. You cant change your situation you have to accept it for what it is.


I think it would be quite hurtful if he knew you felt like this.

Hermia

podperson wrote: »

I'm sorry but it does sound like you've built up this ideal fantasy Christmas experience - and unfortunately very few people out of childhood actually have that.

I think very few people outside a Dickensian-style costume drama have that! If anyone does go to a perfect Christmas I can guarantee there will be some exhausted person behind the scenes who has put the whole thing together. Putting a lot of people who don't necessarily have anything in common except blood ties is always going to be a problem.

I think the OP has two choices. Go to a family Christmas and accept that she will have to make sacrifices and put up with nonsense from her relatives. Or make her own Christmas. My family has a lot of problems so we don't get together on Christmas day. Some lovely Christmas days I have had include renting a cottage in the country, going to an Indian restaurant, going on a walking tour in London, going to a hotel. Much nicer than spending the day with mad relatives! My friend belongs to a ramblers group that has a walk on Christmas day ending in mince pies and booze!

elvis86

I have to agree with others, you sound like a very negative person, and in all honesty, if you're like that in real life, and if your resentment at having to travel/disdain for the dinner your mum puts on etc is made obvious, I'm hardly surprised that people aren't falling over themselves to spend Christmas with you...:(

You and OH choose not to have a car, yet you resent getting trains for walking, and expect family members to come and get you? As someone else said, assuming one of you can drive, why not hire a car to go to your parents?

Or why don't you accept your SIL's invitation and just get a cab, if they're in the same city? I'm hardly surprised that nobody wants to refrain from drinking all Christmas day in order to drive you home.

The crux of it is, that you want some big perfect Christmas, yet you don't sound like a very merry or sociable person.:(

You and your OH have no mutual friends? You say you have some friends individually, have you each never made the effort to get to know each others friends and their partners etc?

You rule out hosting anything at your house as it's too small? That's a rubbish excuse, I'm sorry.

If you're so particular about how you think Christmas should be, RE the food and atmosphere etc, then you should host and make the day how you want it. But if you're not willing to do that, or you feel that you have nobody you want to invite, then you just can't have it.