How to get over dysfunctional families at Xmas time?

marywooyeah

I don't do christmas because of issues like this, it's supposed to be a happy time but its nothing but hassle trying to keep everyone amicable. I just have it with my husband and son - if the thought of just being with your OH isn't a pleasant one I'd second the idea of getting away together for a few days.

hope you start to feel better soon.

RadoJo

I'm always a little suspicious of people who claim that it's everyone else who has the problem - perhaps your family aren't keen to drive out of their way to pick up someone who complains about not getting enough attention, moans about helping prepare food and is dismissive of the effort they make because it's not the way you would choose to do things. You don't mention how far you live from you parents, but I think I would be annoyed if I was doing you a favour by giving you a lift home and you couldn't even direct me to your house - you clearly think that your brother's to blame but perhaps that's a part of the problem. Maybe your expectations of your family members are just too high - it seems that even Christmas at home with your OH wouldn't do for you, and he's the one you chose to be with, so it might just be time to accept that getting on with anyone involves some degree of compromise, families even more so, and if you aren't prepared to make any concessions to other people's ways of doing things then you will never enjoy yourself with them.

Tiddlywinks

mummyroysof3 wrote: »

perfect family christmasses dont really exist...lower your expectations and if you going to go visit people and not enjoy it then just dont go

CH27 wrote: »

There is no such thing as a perfect family christmas.
there is no such thing as a perfect family.

Everyone has faults & issues & your life is what YOU make it.

These posts are so true - family members will not change - they are who they are and sometimes you just have to accept that human beings have flaws.

The "perfect" christmas only occurs in adverts, films and on the tv where the turkey is always crispy on the outside and juicy on the inside, where the kids skip around without overdosing on choccies and the snow always falls gently onto lush green fir trees.

In reality, the turkey takes forever to cook (that's if it fits in the oven), the kids fight, the pressies are a let down (but you paste on a fake smile anyway) and uncle Burt falls asleep in the chair watching a 30 year old Bond film (whilst farting for England) and you wonder again why you even bother!

So, OP, you may not like your rellies much but they probably don't find you the perfect companion either - that is just the way it is. Suck it up and go along determined to enjoy yourself whilst accepting their flaws or stay at home and make your own seasonal happiness.

PS: I do find it difficult to understand why you have never asked your daughter over for christmas - surely that time should have been shared with your ex. Do you think she might ever secretly wonder why mum doesn't ask her over? I would.

PPS: Living in a small terraced house does not stop you inviting everyone over to you - it's more than do-able. Just move the furniture to the edges of the room, use trestle tables for lunch and ask people to bring their own dining chairs with them. By having the "do" at your place you could take control of the entertainment etc and you might just enjoy it more - plus no train!

**curlywurly**

dogstarheaven wrote: »

i can't handle the fact that being at home with just me and my OH is all that i have to look forward to.

OP, I read your whole post but this one sentence really struck a chord with me. My DH was in the Royal Navy for 20 years. We spent about 2/3 of that apart, and in those days there was very little communication.

Every year, all I wanted was for him to come home safely to me, from whatever warzone he was in, for Christmas.

I think you need to take a step back from what you consider to be the "ideal" Christmas, (a) count what blessings you have and (b) realise that Christmas is what you make of it.

dogstarheaven

thanks for all your replies ppl (and the lateness of mine. i work nights:cool:)

it's been really helpful for all your different perspectives on this. in the earlier replies most of you were quite nice to me, and then further on, some of you have been a bit harsh.

let me clear up a few pointers here in my defence -

we can't drive, hence we have to travel by public transport everywhere (i've tried and failed with my lessons for more than 20yrs!)
i've been a single parent until five yrs ago, so i thought my daughter would have a better time with her dad's family.
my parents' live 2hrs train ride away.
i was the one who fell pregnant first and my parents' expecatations for me fell short. my sisters had children later and my parents were more supported of them (made effort to travel to see them, stay over to baby sit, whereas they couldn't with me as they were still working).
i've always have had difficulty with my brother (he's v aggressive) and i've never expected him to drive me since that only lift back to mine (yes, my greatest regret at the time to not have had directions organised for him)
i've never expected any of them giving me lifts, that's why i've always made my own journeys down there.
the drinks party idea i have always wanted for OH's family (my family will never make the effort to come. my parents' house is the main place to be for family gatherings). But OH says this won't really gather the whole family together due to two sisters never getting on, and a BIL who's hated by everyone (his past history that was aforementioned). So if there is a party to be had, only half of the family will be here. I don't mind having everyone together but I doubt they'd v much like to be cramped into the kitchen and living room (I have a piano and a sofa and a bookcase in the room. More than 2 guests plus myself and OH (we're sat on the floor!), the rest of them will feel uncomfortable.
our respective friends with myself and partner are from different backgrounds (v. chalk and cheese). i've got older friends, more educated and like to chat about issues/interests. OH and his friends are much younger, drink excessively some of them. i would not have anything in common with any of them (yes, i've met them and there's no much convo to be had esp. when their tv's blaring away). you may wonder, what do i see in my OH. well, a lot of goodness really. it just happens his friends are work-related, and that's the background they have. he's met my friends and is uncomfortable with them as he doesn't have much input in the dinner parties i hold for them (his friends don't do them).
we've made effort with his family but as i've said they have a bag of issues too, and it's hard for me to feel accepted by them. i'm seen as just his GF and nothing more, altho' i've personally helped them out with childcare, form-filling (travelling on two buses to get to theirs) or social visits, but whatever we/i have done, we're not that appreciated by the two sisters.

ok. hopefully i've filled a few gaps for you lot (- too many individual replies to remember!) Reading what others have said have highlighted my unrealistic expectations for these two families, i have realised that i should just accept them for who they are. i know things will never change as it's been like this forever. I've known I am different from everyone in my family. My lifestyle/outlook's almost the opposite to theirs. i am too, with my own flaws, i am called not the black sheep for nothing:( as everything I've ever done is considered a bit too alternative (they're more into the materialistic lifestyle - shopping, designer brands, making money) whereas i'm into the simpler things in life. i buy 2nd hand stuff, freegle goods, love gardening, go on walks and camp, backpack. Parenting style is opp. i'm the strict parent, whereas theirs is more casual, and they've been sucked into the let's buy our kids everything they ask as a way of showing their true love...

i know i am a decent, genuine person who would welcome anyone into my home. The amount of times we've been ignored or let down over cancelled visits to ours can be v. disappointing. My OH has always said we can't expect anything off them, and that's why he doesn't make too much effort with them.

i suppose the happy family xmas idea stemmed from childhood, and how they used to be. times have changed dramatically once we've left home and have had families of our own.

i've been truly grateful for all the concern you have given to my problem. it's been enlightening to hear all your views. it's not been nice to hear of them calling me a whinger/or a negative person. i suppose i have to move on with this. In regards to being with my OH on my own is I suppose a horrible thing to say about him. We spend all our spare time toget, mostly doing all the things we enjoy doing. But for Xmas, I just wanted more ppl that's all.

Also, it was mentioned about volunteering at a care home/community setting. I've done it already some yrs ago, and am thinking of doing more over the Xmas week as I have a few days off (I've recently become involved with a couple of comm projects)

Right, I think I've explained myself enough. I have decided it'll just be the three of us (DD will only stay for a few hours before she goes to her BF's family for the rest of the night and on Boxing Day too).

conradmum

I hope you have a nice Christmas. I think Christmas is what we make of it. Sometimes you have to change your expectations of people to avoid being disappointed by them.

Metranil_Vavin

People are put under far too much pressure to have this so-called 'perfect Christmas' that you see on an M&S advert, and it's bobbins really.

Unfortunately Christmas does lose some of it's magic when you become an adult. I still hanker after the magic I used to feel when I was a kid. My parents used to make it a really special time for us, and that is what my aim is now for my DS, although he is only 10 months old at the moment.

Relying on other people to make your Christmas special for you is a recipe for a disappointment too, particularly if you have family issues, so I would suggest trying to create the kind of day YOU would love, and inviting those family/friends you think would all gel together.

Failing that, as others have said I would just concentrate on having a lovely day with your OH and daughter. A lot of people have no one at all at Christmas.

thorsoak

Dogstarheaven (I love your name, btw) - I hope that you, your OH and your DD have a wonderful few hours together at Christmas, and that the whole of your Christmas is good - it sounds to me as if you will get a lot out of volunteering to help somewhere, as will those to whom you offer the help.

After all, Christmas isn't all about receiving - it is about giving - and by giving your time, you are giving something very precious.

dogstarheaven

thorsoak wrote: »

Dogstarheaven (I love your name, btw) - I hope that you, your OH and your DD have a wonderful few hours together at Christmas, and that the whole of your Christmas is good - it sounds to me as if you will get a lot out of volunteering to help somewhere, as will those to whom you offer the help.

After all, Christmas isn't all about receiving - it is about giving - and by giving your time, you are giving something very precious.

we are considered rather off-the-wall with our interests by the families. i'd rather play charades than slovenly watch crxx TV (we don't own one) but with just the two of us normally in the house, it'll be nice to have more ppl round. after looking a great deal about what everyone thought of me and given me their halfpennies, i feel it'll be best to just make do with each other. my DD and I are close but she isn't to my OH (I guess it's down to her upbringing compared to his/and his siblings' raising of their kids) so there isn't much interaction at the dinner table at the best of times. So the charades idea is usually an xmas activity i used to enjoy.

you've got me down to a 'T' thorsoak, regarding the giving aspect to Xmas/or generally as I've always done a lot where I've cooked the meal, made HM gifts (last yr's preserves for 'family presents' didn't go down well with my family:(:( as i didn't want buy meaningless overpriced naff stuff whereas OH bought for his family the same), travelling on two buses to hand over presents and stay at theirs, whereas we don't expect to receive any back as OH/their brother has no kids of his own, but they could at least pay us a visit at least once in the yr if xmas is too busy for them). I've always given but never really received so much as a thanks to all the family and so-called friends i've had. i don't have many to whom i can rely on for support. hence coming on here, as i know i'd be able to get some help with my dilemma. although, some posters have been judgemental, some of you have shown real kindness and thoughtfulness. that's really touching. after all, my thread asked for some help, not a critique of me...

the comm projects i've joined are to do with asylum seekers and a skills exchange network. i'll be helping out at both their Xmas parties with putting decs up. as i have time in the mornings (i work nights), i have the time to help out within the community. i guess, i've always strove to be within a community of some kind as a way of an recompensing for the lack of family within my own (my siblings and folks, i mean).

when someone's said about appreciating what i've got in my life and how others will be on their own for Xmas, i do feel for these ppl. I've often wondered about sharing my meal with a lonely OAP (i often talk to them on the bus!) but I know my OH wouldn't want a random stranger to our house, let alone for Xmas day!

well, that gives one of the clues as to his background and mine. i'm more humanistic about the society we live in. his views are more opposite to mine with interests/discussions i have with my friends.

anyway, i'm straying off-tangent here. going to the lotti now for some much-needed digging...!

btw, Thorsoak (is that soaking in your thunder?!): mine's inspired by our beautiful night sky. sirius shines for me everytime i find her/him...

neverdespairgirl

make_me_wise wrote: »

There is no such thing as a cosy, happy family xmas. We are all set up from September for a huge dissapointment. Once you get past the age to believe in Santa and his reindeers lets face it Xmas is a day to give pressies you love, get pressies that go straight on ebay, tolerate people you dont see at any other time of year except when under pressure to conform and lots of women spend most of the morning cooking turkey :eek:

I couldn't agree less!

I adore my cozy, family Christmasses. I spend it at my parents' house with my sisters, brother, parents, OH, our 6 year old son, OH's brother, my Dad's brother, my Mama's brother and his wife. And a cat and a couple of border collies,

It's noisy, mad, crowded, and absolutely wonderful. And I do see all of those people at other times of year, too. Albeit not all at the same time, in the same place!

OP, if I were you I'd either ask straight out for a lift (no point hinting) and decide to enjoy it with your family, or have a wonderufl private Christmas with you and your OH, doing exactly as you choose,