How to get over dysfunctional families at Xmas time?

mustmakealist

Hi Dogstarheaven

What would your OH like to do for Christmas? We've heard a lot about what you'd like to do but not about his hopes.

This year there is a 4 day holiday so perhaps you could make some time for the two of you on the day itself and then get the visiting done on the other days or invite people to come to you then. This might take the pressure of for that oh so elusive and unrealistic 'perfect' christmas but allow you to enjoy all that the holiday period offers.

I think the point that some of the other posters make are about you finding all the reasons why it won't be good. If they really are that bad for you then it is in your power to do something about it. You can't change the people. You can't make your brother get on with you, but you can do something about it upsetting you. You made a comment in one of your posts about your family visiting you - have you invited them and made it something that they will look forward to?

There are a whole host of other options open to you. If you want a drinks party for your OH family - could you do it the week before to get everyone in the christmas spirit? If you think that they won't all come then perhaps mix it up a bit and invite a few of your friends and a few of OHs friends and maybe a neighbour or two. Focus on the positive - they might actually like each other after all you and OH are different types of people.

I hope that you do have a lovely time but it doesnt have to be the 'ideal' or 'perfect' family christmas that you have yearned for for years.

Just remember that there is more than one way of being happy and content and most imprtantly at peace with yourself.

Sagaris

The best Christmas we've ever had was a few years ago when it was just just me, DH and the dog! My mum went to my sister and her family (140 miles away) and stayed till New Year, my 2 kids no longer speak to me (almost 4 years now - their loss!) and DH's family are 100 miles away.

It was lovely - no rushing round after anyone else, just doing what we wanted. It will just be us again this year - although with two beagles as we have just adopted our second.

There's a lot to be said for doing your own thing!

nearlyrich

I can't remember ever having a bad Christmas except for missing people which you can't change if they have passed away, we are a close family and we have always spent time together, never had a row or anyone looking miserable at all. This year just for a change we, OH & I,are off on a holiday because my own children are both away and it won't seem the same, I am sure the rest of the family will get together and have a good time.

If you want to go to family but don't drive budget for a taxi from the station, yes it's more expensive than usual but not out of this world expensive, I think like many that you will not get what you want from any of your family so you have to pick the Christmas experience you want and make it happen.

Murtle

Why not invite some friends over instead of family and give them an excuse not to go to their folks too.

Christmas is an odd time but you need to make it what you and your OH want together, not just his needs and not just your needs.

jaqui59

Ive been through exactly the same thing, as im sure many others have ... Just forget about the family, and have a lovely day with your OH .. Thats what I do now (after years and years of being forced together as a family) and I absolutely LOVE IT!!! Just see it as a couple of days of much needed holiday ... If you can, you can even try (if you want to) and forget its Christmas!

Its only a couple of days, and it will all be gone within a blink of an eye, and normality will return.

JC9297

Sagaris wrote: »

The best Christmas we've ever had was a few years ago when it was just just me, DH and the dog! My mum went to my sister and her family (140 miles away) and stayed till New Year, my 2 kids no longer speak to me (almost 4 years now - their loss!) and DH's family are 100 miles away.

It was lovely - no rushing round after anyone else, just doing what we wanted. It will just be us again this year - although with two beagles as we have just adopted our second.

There's a lot to be said for doing your own thing!

Must admit I am shocked that anyone can say that about their children.

dogstarheaven

mustmakealist wrote: »

Hi Dogstarheaven

What would your OH like to do for Christmas? We've heard a lot about what you'd like to do but not about his hopes.

he's always preferred having it with me and no-one else really. he's quite vociferous about doing too much for his family that he would rather leave them alone, that way he's not party to their squabbles and bxxxxxness. he's always known this since he was at home with them but it seems they've not grown up at all. so really, i should respect his feelings and just enjoy the relat. i have with him. he said i shouldn't take on his family as my own, as they've certainly not treated me as such (he's disgusted by their lack of respect to him and all the favours he's doled out to them without any gratitude shown).

dogstarheaven

there must be good reasons the poster has no contact with their daughters. i ex-communicated mine for about 2 yrs sometime time ago.. (remember, my family is v. mixed-up!). a friend of mine done the same to hers ever since she shopped her dad to the police for the sexual abuse he'd done to all 3 of his daughters. the mother stood by him and she has no parents to love/or be loved by. that's been 6yrs ago.

Sagaris

JC9297 wrote: »

Must admit I am shocked that anyone can say that about their children.

Not if you knew how they have humiliated me over the years - it's a long, long story and I won't hijack the thread - let's just say for my mental health I've had to adopt that attitude. They know where I am but I have no contact details for them now - it's not only me, they choose to ignore my mother, sister, cousins etc as well. Hence is IS their loss!

rinabean

I don't know the OP's circumstances, but some people on this thread have said horrible things. People know that child abuse happens (in varying degrees), why is everyone so shocked and appalled and confused by the idea that these children grow up and their families don't change? I guess it's just nicer and easier not to think about it at all, and/or to blame the adult children. Again, OP didn't say she was abused (that I can see), but most people downplay it (I know I do). Yes, families aren't perfect best friends all the time, but there's a difference between that and the horrible pull of spending time with the people who delighted in making you miserable. If it was just the ordinary aversion to forced jollity I don't think she'd be posting.

OP, stop being miserable, get angry. Maybe then you can get over it. It's the only thing that has worked for me. It's not fair but this is the hand you've been dealt. Have you actually tried properly "doing christmas" with just the two of you? It's not clear from your posts. It's not wasted effort if it makes you happy, is it? You could put in all the effort in the world and it wouldn't change your family. For comparatively no effort at all, you could have a lovely small christmas. On the OS board there's plenty of tips on how to plan things food-wise. The Christmas board is good for decorations.