How to get over dysfunctional families at Xmas time?

shiny76

It doesn't sound like spending time with either family will help you have the happy family xmas you long for.

How about a local pub/hotel will they be serving xmas lunch? Sure there'll be other people without extended family going to such events.

Failing that, either:
1) Ask your daughter to come. Explain how much it would mean to you but without sending her on a guilt trip.

2) Rather than hint for a lift off family members, ask for one. I know I don't know your families at all but perhaps they are a bit slow on the uptake

3) I would have suggested a soup kitchen but the Salv. Army experience has put you off. Perhaps do some research for people that need volunteers at xmas and read reviews of others past experiences

trolleyrun

I think maybe you're looking at Christmas with rose-tinted specs. It seems like you have the right idea of what you would like Christmas to be like, but nobody else is playing the same game as you.

You have the two options.

Going to your parent's on the train, peel veg, be in the background and resenting it, take the train back a couple of days later feeling you've wasted your time.

Stay at home with your OH, have a cosy Christmas and if your DD comes too, even better. At least you'll spend Christmas with people you get on with and love. Maybe you can invite DD and her BF? Would she be more inclined to come then?

I know it's not ideal, but at least you have someone to spend Christmas with. Plenty of people don't, and I've spent many a Christmas on my own. I just deal with it. I cook something nice, open a bottle, watch the tellybox and chill. There are so many people in this country that don't have someone to spend the holidays with, and they're all ages and walks of life. If you really can't bear to travel to your parents or even having Christmas at home with just the two of you, then do some research to see if there's a nursing home, hospice or suchlike that may need some help. Even if it's just to sit with someone and have a chat, it would make such a difference to someone's day. I've done this several times through the years (at various times of the year) and you do come away with both sadness and happiness.

How about writing down the pros and cons with each of the options you have? It might make it easier to decide that way. Good luck and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas, whatever you decide to do and wherever you decide to go.

JimmyTheWig

dogstarheaven wrote: »

holiday? we were meant to for our annual hol this winter but money's the prob (don't want to accrue any debts)
work? i don't bxxxxy think so!
sharing with other ppl? no
alt ideas to do as a couple? we do all those things normally so nothing new there.

I'm close to giving up on this one, which is not like me.

Can you get to Pride Park (Derby)? The Travelodge there has a room for £12 for the two of you for Christmas night.
Can your budget stretch to that?
[Obviously you've got a better idea than me about where you are and where you can get to. Have a look on the Travelodge website!]

Oldernotwiser

dogstarheaven wrote: »

i know as a fully grown woman, i should take this on the chin but i can't and my reasons for coming on here is that i can't handle the fact that being at home with just me and my OH is all that i have to look forward to.

Oh dear, that seems really sad. Don't you get on?

BugglyB

Most 'perfect family christmases' come from a lot of sacrifice or hard work from one or several people and a lot of swallowing of pride and forgiveness about things in the past and present. Unless you're willing to do that I dont think you're going to get what you want.

balletshoes

dogstarheaven wrote: »

holiday? we were meant to for our annual hol this winter but money's the prob (don't want to accrue any debts)
work? i don't bxxxxy think so!
sharing with other ppl? no
alt ideas to do as a couple? we do all those things normally so nothing new there.

having a drinks and nibbles party for his family have been thought about tho' the (terrace) house is v small as there's a tiny living room and a small kitchen which is hardly the place for a family of 11 to come over and relax! when one of them has a new council house with lots of space, but has she ever invited ppl over for drinks??? the other sister's house is a dump (that's really bad of me to admit this, but it's really true - animal urine smells that SIL is too lazy to deal with and has been ingrained in carpet for months on end, so i think she'd be too ashamed to invite ppl over)

anyway, i know one of the sisters won't go and it'll just be one and her kids and his parents.

this is quite telling to me OP - I don't really think you want any alternative suggestions, you just want to have a moan that neither you nor your OH have the perfect holiday in-laws (or the perfect in-laws full stop).

If I wasn't with my extended family at Christmas, I'd be home, OH would cook up a storm, we'd open our token pressies from each other, and relax. Watch crap telly and get slowly sozzled on wine .

Christmas is supposed to be a happy time - if you already know visiting with your own family or your OHs won't make you happy (and clearly it won't) then its up to you to find something that will make you happy on that day.

And its not the end of the world if Christmas isn't perfect or even that much of a celebration - I have a friend with grown-up sons who celebrate Christmas Day at home with a Chinese takeaway, she's made it her tradition .

mummyroysof3

perfect family christmasses dont really exsit...lower your expectations and if you going to go visit people and not enjoy it then just dont go

make_me_wise

I am sorry I didn't read all of your post. To be honest once I had got to the point where you had described your family and his, I was down on my knees thanking the lord for the family I have. Even though they get on my wick alot.

There is no such thing as a cosy, happy family xmas. We are all set up from September for a huge dissapointment. Once you get past the age to believe in Santa and his reindeers lets face it Xmas is a day to give pressies you love, get pressies that go straight on ebay, tolerate people you dont see at any other time of year except when under pressure to conform and lots of women spend most of the morning cooking turkey :eek:

Even the advertisers have clocked on to how grim it is by bringing out the dont drink and drive adds. Knowing full well alot of people blot out the day by being under the influence.

You are sooooo lucky to be able to just enjoy xmas your way with your hubby. Look on this as a positive. You can spoil yourselves silly, eat what you like, drink what you like, watch the TV you want. Heck you can spend the day in bed if you want.

My hubby and I are planning to spend Xmas day together. I am heavily pregnant with twins, due early Jan, so there is a possibility that they may turn up anytime round there. So we did not want to commit to any family get togethers. We might do quick visits to people but wont commit beyond that.

However you spend the day, just enjoy it.

Bah humbug

Brighton_belle

I understand your desire for the fantasy family xmas, but perhaps you need to start being realistic: the way you describe your family they are never going to be loving, cherishing and fun to be with are they? That is sad and your need to grieve that and let go your unrealistic expectation so you won't be constantly disappointed.

Honestly, Xmas is way overated and is a time for a lot of people to feel sad and lonely. Same with New Years eve.

Make a list of 20 things in your life that make you happy - they can be anything, including the smell of freshly mown grass/baking a cake/seeing a squirrel dart up a tree. Then start incorporating then into our life as often as possible.
What do you love about being with your partner? Celebrat those small things.
It is the little things in life that bring us a joy de vivre.

charlieann

I really don't mean to be rude OH but you have moaned about your family members and how they have made you feel. Try looking at it from their perspective.

dogstarheaven wrote: »

in past couple of yrs, i've dropped hints about getting a lift back but none of them were bothered enough to notice. one of the siblings, my brother i really don't get one with was single until last yr and had the time to help me out but didn't. once he gave me a lift home about 7 years ago (not at xmas) and had row with me in the car on the way to mine as soon as i got to the city but needed the exact road to get to mine, but as a non car-driver, i didn't know. he said, he was fed-up and left me 3 blocks away from my street with all my bags to carry!

I would ignore you if you just dropped hints. It would be with me come out and say what you want or you dont get anything. Maybe ask your parents if there is anyone who would be willing to drop you off afterwards and get them to ask your siblings on your behalf.
Your brother did you a big favour dropping you off. You already mentioned your siblings live in the opposite direction. So not only did he have the journey to your house, he also had the journey back plus the extra distance to his house. Did you offer him any petrol money? I would be very annoyed if i have made a journey out of my way and the person could not even direct me where we were going and i have a return journey to make on top. Maybe get a local a-z to take with you. Before sat nav I used to highlight the routes I needed to take so my passenger could direct me easier.

dogstarheaven wrote: »

Tho' saying that, i'm too, in the background as my two sisters and their kids have always dominated the whole day. leaving me and my mum peeling all the veg (for 12 ppl!), and the two sisters titifying the end results...i also have a slight complaint about their dinner (it's always bought from M&S - all of it) it's v. minimal compared to what i make myself (everything HM and about 10 more items more on the plate!) so the dinner is probably the worse thing about going there followed closely by, being sidelined by everyone for most of the time...

Has anyone asked your sisters to help? If they have kids there with them then I would assume they are focused on looking after them. Could you mabe say to them you are going to help your mum with the veg, could they spare 10 mins to help also.
If you don't like the food or amount why not take some as a gift. It can be very expensive for one person to feed a large family. Does it matter where it is brought from though?

It sounds like both you and your OH are very passive people, who don't like things that have/are happening yet you allow it. You need to be a bit more proactive and do something to change it rather than just complain about it.
Your not happy about past family Christmas', but what have you done about it?