Getting rid of baby's things, after a loss

indebtinsussex

i'm so sorry for your loss x

TeamLowe

i'm so sorry for your loss, and that of others in this thread. too much tragedy in this world
i feel for both you and your OH, being pulled in such different directions by your grief. no one ever knows what to do in these situations, knowing my husband i can see him being the same as yours, wanting you to feel better so bad and not knowing how to fix it.
i agree with the suggestions of keeping a few sentimental things in a box, for yourself but maybe seeing that parting with the larger, more practical things could be part of your grieving process, part of accepting that they won't be used by your angel baby.
I hope you can both find your peace with it all x x

londonsurrey

The only "right" thing to do is what is right for you. You have the right to take your time.
Most men, not all, want everything, emotionally, practically, sorted out and now. One strategy is to give them things to do.

I've been though sudden, unexpected bereavement. I say this because I know I was surrounded by people who think they care, but what they're pushing for is "tidying up", of you and of the things, so that they can say "It's sorted, over, done". They don't get that it's not that easy. Morons.

So, if you can't decide, you can't decide. One traditional nugget of wisdom is not to throw away anything for a year. Use it to give yourself permission to do what you want.

Anger - I did destroy/throw away a few things. It was right for me.
Sorrow - I couldn't decide about what to do with a lot of things. I still have a lot of the things. It was right for me.
Anguish - those "silly" thoughts, the countless hundreds of minutae and angles, when it hits you again and again, at all times, in ways you never expected. You are alone in it, but at the same time not alone in that there are people who understand some of it, not totally exactly the same, but with a lot in common, just with their own twists to the story. If it's right for you, vent, weep, tell the sympathetic ear who is willing to just listen, and hold your hand, even if it's just a virtual hand hold through the internet.

You have every right to do what is right for YOU.

Tiddlywinks

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss - both you and your OH will find your own best way of dealing with the immediate raw grief but, please, sometime soon try to find the time and strength to deal with your feelings together.

In the early 70s I lost my little cousin - he was 4 years old. His mum and dad dealt with it in their own way but did not really talk about it together. When one wanted to talk the other avoided the issue and so it went on.

30+ years later my uncle went missing and they found him lying on his son's grave having had a complete emotional breakdown - he'd never really dealt with the loss and had carried on doing the "manly" things of working as many hours as he could, then keeping busy with DIY etc. He is still going to counselling even now - but it's too late for them as a couple - they divorced in the 80s.

They are not you and your OH but I just wanted you to see an example of a man trying to do the right thing in appearing strong but where holding everything inside may not be good for him in the future.

My very bests wishes to you.

denton6

hugs xxx

adelight

I'm so sorry for your loss. It is completely understandable to want to hold on to some things until you feel able to sell them, explain this to hubby that you will get rid of them when you feel ready and he can sell the things you don't want to see like the buggy.

Poosmate

meritaten wrote: »

Its only three weeks hun. far too early to make any big decisions. I don't really know what else to say, because I am furious with your OH on your behalf! I will say no more on THAT subject.
I think the idea of putting them in storage with either parents or a friend is a good idea.

I am so sorry you lost your little girl and the problems you now face.
Blessings
Merit

Why be furious at her other half? He's hurting too and as SU said, he's not suggested getting rid of the stuff out of malice. Men will never understand the loss as much as the woman who carried the child within her. It's not their fault it's just that they are men and don't have all the hormonal and bodily changes happen to them but they still hurt too. Don't be so hard on him - he's lost his baby too.

SU, I would recommend SANDS too. They were very helpful to me. They just understand so much. Please call them and get your husband to call them too.

I would say storing your baby's stuff somewhere in the interim is the best idea, although, maybe not at either of your parents homes unless they are completely ok about it. I remember mom was so upset when the cot she'd ordered for my daughter arrived. She was so consumed with looking after me and helping me (though I was almost useless) to organise her funeral, she forgot to cancel the order.

Your grief will subside eventually, though it will never go away, you'll just bear it more easily and please don't think that because your OH does something that maybe you feel isn't quite right (like maybe going to the pub for a drink with his mates), maybe seems inappropriate, he may well be putting on a brave face for you but breaking apart inside. Happen his going out to the pub will be a man to man talk somewhere quiet where he'll break down with someone he trusts and you may never know about it. Men have different coping mechanisms.

You will get through it, be strong.

Hugs,

Poo

Alicat666

Dear Stayingupright - Bless you for what you are going through, I had a little boy born asleep at 36 weeks 5 years ago, and found that I wanted to get rid of lots of his things quickly, but ended up putting them out of sight in my parents garage and then 6 months later sorting them out, I did not feel ready before that to do anything with you, I like others kept a few small things with a photo in a box and If I ever have any children will explain about their brother! x Please dont be afraid of telling other about your time with your angel, I found a lot of people didn't know what to say and brought a casserole or a poem, and I let them, sometimes its a way of them saying they care!, and feel free to Wallow, even if you go off for a walk on your own or sit on a bench - Dont forget baby - they will always be part of your life ! xxxxx Big hugs xxxx

gratefulforhelp_2

stayingupright wrote: »

My beautiful second daughter was born three weeks ago, at 37 weeks. She died two days before I was due to go into hospital for a caesarean.

The whole business has been a nightmare - from things missed on a scan, just days before she died, to a failed induction, then an emergency caesarean, which went very wrong, and damage to the uterus, which I don't the extent of yet.

After the death I immediately wanted all the baby stuff gone, thinking it was best.

Now I don't know. Although it kills me to think that she will never occupy her little moses basket, or inherit her sister's crib, I now feel a comfort from the items, which, along with the items in the memory box, some photos, and her grave, are all we have left to remind us of her.

DH has decided to sell everything. I *do* want the double buggy gone - it was one of the first things I bought, as I so looked forward to pushing my two little girls around in it.

I'm not sure I want the other things gone though. I don't know what to do, I'm pretty much unable to make any decisions now, and am just pretty much surviving & just trying to get through each day.

Is it really wrong of me to want to hold on to things for a while? Just until things are clearer, and the grief is less raw? Or should I do as DH wants and just sell everything now?

I guess that DH wants me to "move on", as he says that I'm "wallowing" in it at the moment, and wants me to start to get over it, yet I just seem stuck, and keep going over & over it in my mind, and don't want to go out, or "get over it".

So sorry for this tragic loss.

There is no timeframe to get over this. Maybe there's somewhere you can keep some of the things where DH doesn't have to see them?

Lots of love x

skintchick

I am so so sorry to hear of your loss.

I can only echo what others have said; that men and women deal with grief differently, and that you perhaps should find somehwere you can keep it all until you can bear to sort through it.

I have lost three babies, but in the first trimester not the last, and I have found it a great comfort to keep a memory box for them with whatever I have been able to keep, like scan pictures, pregnancy notes, that kind of thing.

As for big stuff, toys and clothes, I don't know as I've not been in that situation, but I think you should give yourself time until you are ready to decide. Get a friend to look after it for you until you are ready and then your OH doesn;t have to look at it, which he probably finds very hard.

With our losses, my OH has thrown himself into his work which I have found hard as I felt abandoned, they just deal with it differently but there is no wrong way as long as you remember to think of each other and love each other.