Getting rid of baby's things, after a loss

stayingupright

Thank you all.

We have got a great bereavement midwife, and have been given the information for SANDS, and will contact them later. I also have my health visitor coming this week; she had been very supportive during the pregnancy, and I've now found out that she runs a group for parents who've suffered a loss - I just can't believe that we'd ever contemplate going there, it just seems like a bad dream - or that I've wandered into a parallel universe - the wrong one.

I guess DH is doing what he thinks is best, and I'm not saying he's doing it with malice, I guess he's worried that I'm getting depressed, and unable to function, and maybe not interacting with our daughter (who's nearly 17 months). It's harder though, as the surgery has meant that I can't lift her, or bathe her or anything I used to do.

onlyroz

Sorry for your loss. Perhaps there is somewhere else the baby stuff can be stored for a while - like a loft/garage/shed, or at another relative/friend's home? I think it's too soon to make a decision about throwing away the lot, but I can see why you or your husband might or might not want to see it all just now.

meritaten

Its only three weeks hun. far too early to make any big decisions. I don't really know what else to say, because I am furious with your OH on your behalf! I will say no more on THAT subject.
I think the idea of putting them in storage with either parents or a friend is a good idea.

I am so sorry you lost your little girl and the problems you now face.
Blessings
Merit

stayingupright

I'm sorry for you loss too Kitten_pie xx

happy35

my best friends mam had a baby that died at a few days old, she still has a drawer of her baby things and photos etc, she does unpack and repack the stuff now and again as she finds it comforting. This all happened about 35 years ago I dont think she has ever got over it but I think she has learned to live with it

I think that you should both put your things away as you feel ready, your OH is probably thinking that looking at them makes it worse for you

I dont know what to say to you, I have never lost a child so cant even begin to imagine what you are going through

dizziblonde

What I'll say, and it's in no way attempting to do anything offensive like draw parallels with the level of loss - is that when I've had miscarriages - hubby's coped by going into what I began to term "stuff overdrive" - he needed to find something practical to feel like he was achieving something toward trying to get going forward again if you get what I mean? (caused a massive fight cos I needed the emotional side more than anything else at the time) He'd probably be doing similar to your OH just to feel like he was doing something.

Lirin

I feel for you so much. I lost one of mine at 15 weeks, and it is hard thinking about as I never met him/her, and never will. I've lost a gorgeous little nephew as well at 13 months- it would have been his birthday at the start of this month.

As others have said, there are no rights and wrongs. DH is trying to deal with it in a way that seems alien to you, and vice versa.... The way you feel over her will be so completely different to how he feels-you will deal with the loss differently.

I could suggest a memory box. Choose a few things that have the most sentimentality, and pack them where you can look at them anytime you like. You don't have to do that anytime soon, just whenever you feel ready.

I know the one thing I could suggest that will help- talk about her. As much as you need. DH and I have talked about our lost one- both of us get teary at times, and thankful that we still have one due to arrive. Talk to her as well, if it helps. Tell her how you would have cared for her, how much you love her.

She will always be a part of you, and will always be in your heart.

make_me_wise

stayingupright wrote: »

Is it really wrong of me to want to hold on to things for a while? Just until things are clearer, and the grief is less raw? Or should I do as DH wants and just sell everything now?

I guess that DH wants me to "move on", as he says that I'm "wallowing" in it at the moment, and wants me to start to get over it, yet I just seem stuck, and keep going over & over it in my mind, and don't want to go out, or "get over it".

I am so terribly sad to hear of your tragic loss. I cant even begin to imagine what you are suffering. Nothing you say or feel right now is wrong hun. I think you must just do whatever helps you to get through each day.

If I may just observe that yourself and your husband seem to be trying to cope with this in very different ways. You need the baby things to be nearby to bring comfort. He needs them gone to feel okay. Can there be a compromise of the precious baby items being kept at your mums place. So they are accessible to you but not a constant reminder to your husband.

Have tears in my eyes writing this. Sending you a huge hug and masses of strength.

helphelphelphelp

So sorry that you have lost your little girl. I lost my son when he was 10 months old. When I came back from the hospital without him (he was in for some months) I had asked a friend to put all his things away for me in the loft as I could not look at them at that time. Over the months I was able to deal with some things but not others.

I have now gone on to have a daughter. I have sold all the clothes I bought him that he never wore and bought things for my daughters with the money I received. Most of his toys are being used by his younger sister, although some of his toys are in his box and remain too special to me to be used by anyone else. I have kept a few outfits that hold special memories and these are also in his box, but 3 years on I am still not sure I can decide what to do with things so I definitely agree with others that 3 weeks is way too soon. The only thing I thought was that my son was and is part of my life and had he still been alive I wouldnt have thought twice about using the things I had for him for his brothers or sisters, so am glad I kept them to pass on. But it is a very personal choice and go what feels right for you

x

princeofpounds

Can't imagine how painful this must be... I only have the practical suggestion that you might want to get rid of some of the less sentimental items over time, and if it feels like the right course of action keep some of the more sentiemental things. It's very natural to want to keep something, but you don't have to keep everything.