Getting rid of baby's things, after a loss

stayingupright

My beautiful second daughter was born three weeks ago, at 37 weeks. She died two days before I was due to go into hospital for a caesarean.

The whole business has been a nightmare - from things missed on a scan, just days before she died, to a failed induction, then an emergency caesarean, which went very wrong, and damage to the uterus, which I don't the extent of yet.

After the death I immediately wanted all the baby stuff gone, thinking it was best.

Now I don't know. Although it kills me to think that she will never occupy her little moses basket, or inherit her sister's crib, I now feel a comfort from the items, which, along with the items in the memory box, some photos, and her grave, are all we have left to remind us of her.

DH has decided to sell everything. I *do* want the double buggy gone - it was one of the first things I bought, as I so looked forward to pushing my two little girls around in it.

I'm not sure I want the other things gone though. I don't know what to do, I'm pretty much unable to make any decisions now, and am just pretty much surviving & just trying to get through each day.

Is it really wrong of me to want to hold on to things for a while? Just until things are clearer, and the grief is less raw? Or should I do as DH wants and just sell everything now?

I guess that DH wants me to "move on", as he says that I'm "wallowing" in it at the moment, and wants me to start to get over it, yet I just seem stuck, and keep going over & over it in my mind, and don't want to go out, or "get over it".

choille

I'm really sorry for your loss & can't imagine the raw pain of it. It's really not long at all siince you lost your little baby & you must do as you see fit. You can only go with your grief at this time I would think. There is no right nor wrong way to grieve. Do as you feel is right.

csh_2

You never will get over it. But you will learn to live with the pain. Three weeks is no time at all in the grieving process and I wouldn't class grieving as 'wallowing'.
Have you and your husband been offered any sort of berevement councilling?
I think personally its too soon to sell or get rid of the babys things, but try to follow your own heart and not let anyone bully you into giving things away to soon. If your DH is upset by the things and thats why he wants them gone? If so I would put things where you can get to them if you need them but not have them on display IYKWIM.

What a sad situation for everyone, I am so sorry for your loss x x x

Perfect10_2

I agree. You need to do what you feel is right at the moment. You are both still in shock I imagine. Your DH is grieving too but people cope in different ways, it may be too painful for him to see all the baby things right now.Be there for each other.

Thinking of you, hugs xxxxx

4nnabella

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through.

You have to grieve at your own pace, as much as your OH thinks you should start getting over it, it doesn't really work that way. People deal with grief in different ways, so don't feel bad for needing more time. It is still very fresh and raw and you may regret getting rid of absolutely everything so quickly. You may find that you just need to keep a few things to remind you of her but I think you may need to take more time to come to terms with your loss first before you sell all the baby stuff.

Again, I am so very sorry. I hope you and OH can find the strength you need to get through it, in your own time.

concerned43

Nothing to add except that I am so sorry for your loss.

Tigsteroonie

I can understand you wanting to keep things, equally I can understand DH wanting them gone.

Do you have anywhere you can store them? A dry garage, a friend's spare room? Just to put them out of sight of your husband, whilst not actually making any final decisions? You can always then keep one or two small items for yourself, for example in your side of the wardrobe or drawers.

Huge hugs. I cannot imagine how hard this must be.

moomoomama27

I am so very sorry to read of your loss. I don;t think for one moment anyone could say you were wallowing, it's very raw. I think the last thing you should do is sell the items, because you are not sure, and I think you need to both be on the same page as far as that goes, or could resent being made to sell the items. There's nothing wrong with keeping them, if your OH is struggling with them being in the house, is there someone who could maybe look after them until you decide, someone close, like your parents, so that you can have them back if you need, or even go and see the things?

My friend lost her son at 37 weeks, the grieving process is not rational to anyone not in it, and this is what helped her. Eventually she did sell the things on, but in her own time.

Much love, and please, if you need support there are many good websites available to help you in someways.

Kitten_Pie

Hi Stayingupright,

My twin sons were still born a month ago and I instinctively got rid of all the twin stuff I had bought, specifically the twin pram and the twin nursing pillow.

The rest of the stuff we have put into storage in the hope that we can one day use it. There is no right or wrong thing to do. Discuss how you feel with your husband, it might be best to store the stuff for the time being until you feel ready to sell the items.

I am so sorry you are also going through this and if there is any comfort I can bring please let me know.

Kind Regards

Holly

nearlyrich

So very sorry for your loss, I have no experience of losing a child but I am certain that after only three weeks both of you must still be in shock and I think it's too early to "get over it" I am sure you DH is not saying this from any heartless point of view, men (many of them) have a different way of looking at this kind of thing. I would sit down with him and explain that you don't want to get rid of the reminders just yet however between you need to work out a way of dealing with it that works for both of you.

ellies_angel

My heart does out to you, a dear friend lost her daughter at 36 weeks coming up for 3 years ago. She has gone onto have 2 boys and as much as she loves and adores them, she very much still mourns the loss of her little girl and it hurts so much. She has been very fortunate that her and her husband have shared totally the loss, for the first few weeks they never left each others side so that if either needed to talk the other was always there. I'm not sure what they did with her things, the pram, cot etc were kept but the little pink things I don't know.
SAND's has been a godsend to her, being around people who have an understanding of her loss, something with the best will in the world I could never, having never lost a baby.
His wanting to get rid of things might be his way of dealing with his loss, your wallowing as he puts it, is something he is going to have to face at some point. Grief affects everyone in different ways, but whatever the way we have to go through it and it takes time. Acknolwedging your loss as you are doing, while painful is moving on. I wonder how well he is.
Take the time you need, respect your feelings and reach out if you need to. I am so sorry for your loss x