My daughter dislikes my partner..

Jelly*baby

Before i start, and will try to keep as short as poss just wanted to say i have ummed and ahhed over the months about asking for advice on here as sure i will get slated and my partner prob wouldn't be too impressed but feel i have explored every option. I have read countless scenarios online whcih don't really help either and at a bit of a loss now.

Quite tricky as he is her best friends dad. She is 13 and finds it embarrasing and odd, her best friends the complete opposite and deals with things so much better which doesn't help. My daughter has known him years like i have so i have no concern that this is anything directly with him as such just the fact that she finds things arkward.

We have been together over a year and life has been hard with her, she doesn't help herself by being really nice when she wants something then reverting back to being off again which annoys me. She is i guess the typical teenager however the rudeness and way she is with me at times is not acceptable. My family have witnessed her and my friends and all tell me it is her not us and she needs to get used to the idea..i however cope day to day but feel sorry for her deep down and dont know what to do for the best. I feel my relationship will suffer then feel guilty for not putting her 100% first. I have had 2 shall we say not great relationships since she has been born and finally feel i have found someone perfect however she doesn't agree.

She sees her dad 1.5 days per week, he is very supportive most of the time in helping me but doesnt have to put up with most of her moments so feel he has no idea really. Tonight i am going round with her to talk to him as we try to deal with things as they crop up so she can explain why she has said or done them.

Like i said very complicated and hard for us all and lost...anyone any ideas?

Thanks

19lottie82

Have you tried sitting down and having a talk with her, maybe in the middle of a "Girls day out" or something similar.

Explain that she will always be your number one priority and how much you love her, but your bf makes you very happy, something you haven't been for a long time. Tell her you understand how she feels but her behaviour is really upsetting your, and that you wish she would give him a chance, as he is a good man?

Also, you said you are going round to see her dad. Do you think he may be able to convey a similar message to her, if you 2 have a good enough relationship to agree on this and put it across to her?

debsue

Dont know if I can be of any help but I do know exactly how you feel. My DD move back in with me and my partner after she split from her BF, she is 22. She tells me she likes him and he has bent over backwards to do things for her, yet she completely ignores him. she comes in, goes straight to her room and waits until we have gone to bed, then comes down to eat. I think ride the storm and hopefully things may improve (for both of us!).

Jelly*baby

Hi thanks yes i have numerous times and every time i think ive gained a bit she comes crashing back down. Have had everyone involved that i think can help and the only person i haven't is a counciller which is my absolute last resort. I love her to bits obviously and wouldn't be on here if i didnt care she just as a child doesnt see it like that. I HATE the thought of her in her room at night and i cant get her down with us to even watch tv etc. I have done days out with just me and her and she's ok till BF walks in and she goes off upstairs. He has kept right out but know he finds very hard to deal with.

dizziblonde

debsue wrote: »

Dont know if I can be of any help but I do know exactly how you feel. My DD move back in with me and my partner after she split from her BF, she is 22. She tells me she likes him and he has bent over backwards to do things for her, yet she completely ignores him. she comes in, goes straight to her room and waits until we have gone to bed, then comes down to eat. I think ride the storm and hopefully things may improve (for both of us!).

My mum remarried when I was university-age and it took a long while for things to settle down - on both sides. He was trying to do the whole "father" thing with me, which I resented at the age I was, and I was suffering from having to move back in with a family that had moved on understandably in the three years I'd been away. It took both sides taking a step back - him into a "mum's partner" role and me into a "I'm planning on moving out as soon as humanly possible" attitude to get things onto an even keel - and now it's pretty smooth. He just tried coming in too heavy on things - and as a kid that had been mucked around by assorted "dads" over the years - I wasn't ever going to willingly acquire another one (even these days I don't buy fathers' day cards with "dad" on as it's a title I'm not comfortable giving him).

Jelly*baby

debsue wrote: »

Dont know if I can be of any help but I do know exactly how you feel. My DD move back in with me and my partner after she split from her BF, she is 22. She tells me she likes him and he has bent over backwards to do things for her, yet she completely ignores him. she comes in, goes straight to her room and waits until we have gone to bed, then comes down to eat. I think ride the storm and hopefully things may improve (for both of us!).

Thanks. This happened last night. I had to get some shopping so i asked her if she wanted to come..the answer was no even just me and her (this is where i think the teenager bit is relevant) so the 2 of us went and she stayed at home. She was in her room, however as soon as id'e pulled off the drive we watched and the light in the hall went on and she had obviously come down for something to eat, when we got in she was watching tv, stayed down for a bit and then went to bed.

flutterby_lil

Did you mean you are going to see her dad or your BF together?

My mum had a relationship a few years ago (I am 31 now) which resulted in my little sister (14) - I hated the man she was with, he was a lot older, wonky ears and eyes and just sat in the pub at the bar, my mum owned the pub. There are 4 siblings plus my 14 year old sister. None of us liked him. On the wedding night he said something unforgiveable to her so they split up totally after. She always used to say to us "well I love him! I won't choose your boyfriends so don't you choose mine!!" I feel for your daughter as it is not nice (however my mum had put up with so much abuse from my dad that she deserved a bit of happiness, at the time that is what she thought she had but she didn't). We had to put up with it as it was my mum's house/pub but we never liked this man. Luckily we don't have to see him now lol.

19lottie82

Jelly*baby wrote: »

Hi thanks yes i have numerous times and every time i think ive gained a bit she comes crashing back down. Have had everyone involved that i think can help and the only person i haven't is a counciller which is my absolute last resort. I love her to bits obviously and wouldn't be on here if i didnt care she just as a child doesnt see it like that. I HATE the thought of her in her room at night and i cant get her down with us to even watch tv etc. I have done days out with just me and her and she's ok till BF walks in and she goes off upstairs. He has kept right out but know he finds very hard to deal with.

Oh OP, I really feel for you this must be so hard. I guess your head would tell you to keep things as they are, and as long as your OH is a good guy and making an effort, she will eventually come round / grow out of it, but 18 months is along time.

I suppose you can't really send your daughter to a councilor because she doesn't like your new bf! Or do you think she has other issues that are contributing to this?

How good is your relationship with your ex? Would it be possible to invite his over for dinner with you, DD and OH? Not sure how it owuld help, but it's an idea! Especially if your DD could see you all getting along.

Jelly*baby

dizziblonde wrote: »

My mum remarried when I was university-age and it took a long while for things to settle down - on both sides. He was trying to do the whole "father" thing with me, which I resented at the age I was, and I was suffering from having to move back in with a family that had moved on understandably in the three years I'd been away. It took both sides taking a step back - him into a "mum's partner" role and me into a "I'm planning on moving out as soon as humanly possible" attitude to get things onto an even keel - and now it's pretty smooth. He just tried coming in too heavy on things - and as a kid that had been mucked around by assorted "dads" over the years - I wasn't ever going to willingly acquire another one (even these days I don't buy fathers' day cards with "dad" on as it's a title I'm not comfortable giving him).

I completely understand where you are coming from, however my partner has never said a word..very hard for him at times as he sees how she can be with me but keeps well out. I just know i have had 2 hard relationships while she has grown up as i said and know this man is different. May sound cheesy, i may sound gullible but after being brought up in not a great home life when i was younger i know i'm not doing what i'm doing lightly.

dizziblonde

She's 13 - everything about her entire family is utterly hideously cringemakingly embarassing and a danger to her street cred for all eternity right now! That's without the potential minefield of mum having a... ew... boyfriend... and possibly even snogging him or having sex...! Boyfriends are reserved for her and her friends - old people aren't ever allowed to do anything like that because her generation invented snogging and all that stuff - didn't you get that memo?!

Jelly*baby

flutterby_lil wrote: »

Did you mean you are going to see her dad or your BF together?

My mum had a relationship a few years ago (I am 31 now) which resulted in my little sister (14) - I hated the man she was with, he was a lot older, wonky ears and eyes and just sat in the pub at the bar, my mum owned the pub. There are 4 siblings plus my 14 year old sister. None of us liked him. On the wedding night he said something unforgiveable to her so they split up totally after. She always used to say to us "well I love him! I won't choose your boyfriends so don't you choose mine!!" I feel for your daughter as it is not nice (however my mum had put up with so much abuse from my dad that she deserved a bit of happiness, at the time that is what she thought she had but she didn't). We had to put up with it as it was my mum's house/pub but we never liked this man. Luckily we don't have to see him now lol.

I mean go and see her dad tonight as we talk through her moments if she gets too much and give her a chance to talk things through. From a selfish point of view due to my life so far i feel i need a bit of a break and deserve like your mum a little bit of happiness!