Child mainenance + more!!!

DS4215

What level of training is your daughter expecting to return to at gymnastics? - After 1 year out she will seriously struggle to go back into a 20+ hour week, so will more likely want to start with 1-2 sessions a week. Depending on the club that should cost less than £20 a week. Suggest to you wife/daughter that she starts at that level and you split the costs between you as they increase.

As for the other stuff, give her a key to you flat (if you have room) and an open invite.

Gigglepig

Although I don't approve of your wife's behaviour, there are always two sides to a story. Even if the divorce was triggered by her cheating it doesn't mean it is all her fault. Personally I'd not want to involve a 14year old into the discussion of whose fault it was, her reasons for looking elsewhere etc. If you or your wife want sympathy perhaps it is better to talk to friends, be careful not to place your daughter in a difficult situation of conflicting loyalties?

The CSA sets the minimum child maintenance payment, but please take into account what your daughter's needs are and not just what the law says. On top of general maintenance I'd consider paying for other things that may benefit your daughter directly such as gym membership. Most parents want their kids to have the highest living standard they can afford. As long as the extra payment is for an item or activity for your daughter (not for the ex) I don't think you are being taken advantage of by paying for it.

pinkclouds

level200 wrote: »

she replied that my daughter will not be very happy and that its is now her choice is she comes over or not as shes 14, she then said that she will try to persuade her for me then maybe she wont bother!!!

Is she using my daughter to get to me?

No, she's not using your daughter to get to you. Don't lose sight of the fact that your daughter is a person in her own right. She will choose to spend time with each of her parents, assuming you both continue to be the loving parents you were before. Neither of you "owns" her - in two years' time she could move out on her own, get married, etc. If she feels secure and loved by each of you, in each home, then she will continue the same parent-child relationship that you always had. If either of you start to alienate her with unusual behaviour or demands then... could be a youth hostel at 16 and bye-bye to mom *and* dad. I don't mean to sound dire... I mean to say: do not worry - your daughter will want to spend as much time you as any teenage daughter wants to spend with her dad. It doesn't matter what you or your ex say to her - it will be your daughter deciding whether to hang out with a parent or go out with her friends instead. Your daughter's not stupid - whatever you and her mother have done, wherever you go, you will always be her parents. And, at 14, if her mom says she's not coming round because she's at a party, you'll be able to verify that direct with your daughter and know it's the truth - and that it's not because she loves you any less. Best wishes. x

January20

pinkclouds wrote: »

No, she's not using your daughter to get to you. Don't lose sight of the fact that your daughter is a person in her own right. She will choose to spend time with each of her parents, assuming you both continue to be the loving parents you were before. Neither of you "owns" her - in two years' time she could move out on her own, get married, etc. If she feels secure and loved by each of you, in each home, then she will continue the same parent-child relationship that you always had. If either of you start to alienate her with unusual behaviour or demands then... could be a youth hostel at 16 and bye-bye to mom *and* dad. I don't mean to sound dire... I mean to say: do not worry - your daughter will want to spend as much time you as any teenage daughter wants to spend with her dad. It doesn't matter what you or your ex say to her - it will be your daughter deciding whether to hang out with a parent or go out with her friends instead. Your daughter's not stupid - whatever you and her mother have done, wherever you go, you will always be her parents. And, at 14, if her mom says she's not coming round because she's at a party, you'll be able to verify that direct with your daughter and know it's the truth - and that it's not because she loves you any less. Best wishes. x

At the same time, she is a 14 yo girl and they can be very devious, so don't let her or her mum blackmail you. I'm saying this because of what OP you wrote in your post: the reply from your ex to you not paying for the gym membership. The reality is that at 14, it will always be her choice whether she sees you or not! So don't think you can buy her things and let yourself be used because you want her to spend time with you. (Also at that age they start wanting to spend time with their friends not their parents!)

make_me_wise

level200 wrote: »

Ok, told her that I will pay 15% of my wages minus the days thet she stays over (every other weekend,what does that work out at?) but not for her gym or dance as i will be treating her when she stays over every other weekend. she replied that my daughter will not be very happy and that its is now her choice is she comes over or not as shes 14, she then said that she will try to persuade her for me then maybe she wont bother!!!

Is she using my daughter to get to me?

To answer your last question it certainly seems that way to me. Speak directly to your daughter and say that she is welcome at your place. Tell her without going into actual figures that you are going to make sure she is looked after day to day (the child maintenance). When she is with you tell her that you will both do all kinds of nice things together.

I saw my aunt try to do similar to my uncle and it backfired on her. At 14 your daughter is old enough to see things as they are. People may disagree with this point of view, but if your daughter has a meltdown over you not funding her gym etc, then tell her that since you are now having to fund new living arrangements money only stretches so far. At some point a teenager needs to be bought into the real world and know that money only covers so much. Dont be blackmailed or be held to emotional ransom.

daggy

Sorry to hear that you're going through this.

I'm sure that your daughter will want to spend time with you, as others have said, just give ehr a key and an open invite; however, also make the effort to ask her if she wants to come over or do stuff.

I think you should offer to pay half of any gym costs, perhaps suggest that Mum takes her to half of the sessions and you take her to the other half.