Child mainenance + more!!!

TagEHeuer

Do it through the CSA, then she can't take advantage of you.

Zoetoes

make_me_wise wrote: »

Its not about getting in there first and having one upmanship, that would be incredibly childish. It is about being honest with someone you love and allowing them to know that you did not want this for your family. If his daughter were very young then the way you have been suggesting he should handle it would be correct.

However she is 14. At school she will be learning about relationships etc. At her age she is old enough to know the truth. Teenagers
base alot of relationships on having trust of another person. The OP comes across as someone sensible and grounded and I am sure he handled all this the right way.

Going by his latest post the mother doesn't seem to give a jot about their daughter. After causing her family to split like this and undoubtedly bringing on lots of emotional turmoil is she home making sure her 14 year old is okay. Nope, she is down the park with her 'affair' holding hands and cuddling. Not exactly 'mother of the year' material.

We will have to agree to disagree, I think 14 is a difficult enough age without having to be involved in your parents problems and being told whose 'fault' it was.

And while I think the situation is sad, I don't think that the mother wanting her life to be different to what it was makes her a bad mother.

She could have ended the marriage and then started a new relationship but still the parents would have separated and things would still be the same for the daughter as they are now, so I don't think there's any point in blaming anyone, it's far better to accept what's happened and make sure the daughter knows she is still loved by both parents and that won't change.

justjohn

Honestly, best bet is to work out what csa will give her then only give her that (thats a max). If the kid is older you can always give the kid some extra cash.

Sort yourself out and look out for the kid. Thats the best you can do.

Zoetoes

justjohn wrote: »

Honestly, best bet is to work out what csa will give her then only give her that (thats a max). If the kid is older you can always give the kid some extra cash.

Sort yourself out and look out for the kid. Thats the best you can do.

That's a good suggestion, she is 14 so dad could give her bits of pocket money, he would feel happy, it's helping his daughter and not giving extra to the ex.

level200

Ok, told her that I will pay 15% of my wages minus the days thet she stays over (every other weekend,what does that work out at?) but not for her gym or dance as i will be treating her when she stays over every other weekend. she replied that my daughter will not be very happy and that its is now her choice is she comes over or not as shes 14, she then said that she will try to persuade her for me then maybe she wont bother!!!

Is she using my daughter to get to me?

Zoetoes

level200 wrote: »

Ok, told her that I will pay 15% of my wages minus the days thet she stays over (every other weekend,what does that work out at?) but not for her gym or dance as i will be treating her when she stays over every other weekend. she replied that my daughter will not be very happy and that its is now her choice is she comes over or not as shes 14, she then said that she will try to persuade her for me then maybe she wont bother!!!

Is she using my daughter to get to me?

If your daughter stays over one night a week I don't think that makes any difference to the child support, I might be wrong though?

Yes it is your daughter's choice if she comes over or not and I'm sure she will choose to, you're her dad.

I know it's hard, I've been there, but it will end up being a blessing in disguise!

rinabean

level200 wrote: »

Ok, told her that I will pay 15% of my wages minus the days thet she stays over (every other weekend,what does that work out at?) but not for her gym or dance as i will be treating her when she stays over every other weekend. she replied that my daughter will not be very happy and that its is now her choice is she comes over or not as shes 14, she then said that she will try to persuade her for me then maybe she wont bother!!!

Is she using my daughter to get to me?

This is exactly what non-resident parents shouldn't do. This is you trying to be the "fun parent". If she doesn't "need" sports classes every week, she certainly doesn't need "treats" on the one day you see her. Surely your wife sometimes "treats" her too, so this should just be part of your portion, the part you're not paying your wife on that day. You can't count it as separate to the rest of the costs of parenting.

If you really can't afford the classes, tell your daughter this, and offer to pay part of the cost or tell her what else you'll spend the money on (for her). I think your daughter might get cross - she's only 14 - but she ought to understand. Whatever you do, don't say that you're not paying it because it's above the 15% of your income that she's worth to you!

justjohn

We do not calculate days that the kids stay at our house. Lot of flaffing around if you ask me. My kids come every 2 weeks.

I have a 15 year old son(not much older than your daughter). He has his own pals and social life. He is now at the stage were he himself has too balance social life and comming too visit me. Your daughter may sooner or later not want too come and see you every time.

I do not know what your kid is like.... My kids know how much i give my EX and why. My older child also knows i will be giving the EX less if he comes out of further education.(and i have told him i would prefer him too stay in further education)

The CSA decide the max you will have too pay. Thats all she will get if she kicks up a fuss.

Remember its too support the child not the mum. Your not a gravy boat for the mum.

BTW There is no need for the "maybe she wont bother!!!" comment from your EX.

Person_one

level200 wrote: »

Ok, told her that I will pay 15% of my wages minus the days thet she stays over (every other weekend,what does that work out at?) but not for her gym or dance as i will be treating her when she stays over every other weekend. she replied that my daughter will not be very happy and that its is now her choice is she comes over or not as shes 14, she then said that she will try to persuade her for me then maybe she wont bother!!!

Is she using my daughter to get to me?

No, I don't think she is.

Please resist the temptation to dig your heels in for the sake of it. Can you really not afford your daughter's gym classes or are you saying no to maintain some control and so that you feel you aren't giving in to your wife's demands?

A treat every other weekend is nothing like as beneficial as a structured regular sporting activity where she can make friends, progress, earn awards etc.

Can't you at least offer half?

RainbowDreamer

I haven't read all the replies so apologies if this has already been mentioned. But any money you do pay to your ex, please do not give it in cash. Pay via your bank with a note on the payment saying something child "child maintenance" so that in the future if she disputes that you haven't paid for your child to gain more money from you, then you have it all documented in statements etc and it cannot be disputed.
If you type into Google child maintenance calculator and put in your earnings etc it will tell you how much you would be expected to pay if she went to CSA for maintenance.
I would pay her this and not a penny more. Don't pay any of hers bills, you have your own roof to keep over your head. And child maintenance payments are for keeping the child in a secure home etc.. so can be used towards her bills and food, clothing etc. You should not be paying extra on top.