How do I stop thinking about a baby??

euronorris

MarilynMonroe wrote: »

Imagine if roles were reversed and women were being dumped because they couldnt make up their minds if they wanted children or not, those men would be called all the names under the sun... I mean its not a straight yes or no question to some people.
You might find the man who gives you them gladly but would you be sacrificing 'maybe the love of your life?' in return?

Do you really think this doesn't happen? That there aren't guys out there who feel just as strongly about having children? And that they haven't ended relationships when they've found out that the woman they're dating doesn't want children? Of course there are, and of course they do!

I know someone right now, whose relationship is breaking down because she foolishly agreed that she wanted kids too at the start, when she doesn't and never has wanted them, and he's now wanting to marry her and have children. She wants neither of those things. She seems confident that they can still work it out, but I don't. If he wants those things as badly as I think he does, he'll reach the point where he has to end the relationship with her in order to acheive it.

BugglyB

scheming_gypsy wrote: »

you have to explain because there's nothing wrong with it unless of course you decided that i said to actually go and have one rather than say they might as well have one.

No you didn't say that, you clearly said, you would say that you might as well go and have a hysterectomy, if we are not having kids, to try and get the other person to say 'phew, thats what I wanted'.

I believe in honest and straight forward communication - not tricking someone into saying something. Those sorts of mind games always end in tears. In my experience.

scheming_gypsy

Yes, exactly.

BugglyB wrote: »

No you didn't say that, you clearly said, you would say that you might as well go and have a hysterectomy, if we are not having kids, to try and get the other person to say 'phew, thats what I wanted'.

I believe in honest and straight forward communication - not tricking someone into saying something. Those sorts of mind games always end in tears. In my experience.

would say.. not would go and have one and it clearly didn't say it was to get somebody to say 'phew, that's what i wanted'. It was to see if they said it or said something else.

It's not tricking anybody, and it shouldn't need explaining. It's quite simple really.

girl - I might as well have a hysterectomy
bloke - what, why?
girl - well it doesn't look like we're going to be having kids does it.
~discussion starts~

see, simple.



and you got two people thanking you for making stuff up... there's some strange people on here.

BugglyB

scheming_gypsy wrote: »

Yes, exactly.




would say.. not would go and have one and it clearly didn't say it was to get somebody to say 'phew, that's what i wanted'. It was to see if they said it or said something else.

It's not tricking anybody, and it shouldn't need explaining. It's quite simple really.

girl - I might as well have a hysterectomy
bloke - what, why?
girl - well it doesn't look like we're going to be having kids does it.
~discussion starts~

see, simple.



and you got two people thanking you for making stuff up... there's some strange people on here.

I didn't mean to make things up - sorry if I misinterpreted what you said. I think we just have different opinions. Lets not sidetrack this good lady's thread!

claire16c

euronorris wrote: »

I know someone right now, whose relationship is breaking down because she foolishly agreed that she wanted kids too at the start, when she doesn't and never has wanted them, and he's now wanting to marry her and have children. She wants neither of those things. She seems confident that they can still work it out, but I don't. If he wants those things as badly as I think he does, he'll reach the point where he has to end the relationship with her in order to acheive it.

Thats exactly what happened with the couple I know, the only difference being that the woman decided to end it - as I guess she knows he would eventually even if that wasnt for another 5 years or something. But she lead him to believe for a long time she would have kids.

make_me_wise

Bubblygirl15 wrote: »

Fast forward to now, we have been living in our "forever" house for 6 months and although I'm only 25 (he's 34) all I can think about is having a baby. My whole family are young and although I didn't want to have a baby really young, I'm ready and have been for about 5 years. My OH won't even talk about a baby, or I should say he does but he blows hot and cold, one minute he says we can start trying in 2 months, the next minute it's a year. Should I just forget about it until he is ready? I literally spend all my time thinking about this and I don't really have any friends who would understand.

If what I have highlighted above doesn't send out a neon flashing light warning I dont know what does. It doesn't sound to me like your OH really wants kids and is using delay tactics to put it off. What if he blows hot and cold when it is to late to change your minds?

Look at it this way. What happens if he suddenly says 'lets have a baby' then changes his mind when you are a few months gone, or when the reality of having a baby hits home during those really tough early months.

I am sorry to say this, but when I read your post that is the impression I was left of, about your OH. The quickest way to stop thinking about a baby is to seriously consider, that going by what you told us above, you could run the risk of ending up a lone parent. I certainly wouldn't consider having a baby with a bloke who either refuses to discuss it or keeps moving the goal posts.

make_me_wise

BugglyB wrote: »

In kindness and with respect, that is an unhelpful thing to say to a woman who is struggling with wanting a baby but not being able to have one for whatever reason.

Friends/colleagues do make comments like that a lot - 'well if you had mine for ten minutes on a sunday morning you'd soon change your mind!!' - and I know its out of trying to make someone feel better, but if you really want to be a parent - the whole experience, warts and all - than anything else it really just feels like a slap in the face.

I disagree. Alot of parents wish they had known what having a child is really like, before they had gone ahead and had kids. Nothing wrong with understanding the realities of having kids before taking the plunge. Alot of people yearn for a baby with rose tinted glasses on. A bit of reality may help the OP decide if it really is the right time for her. Just seeing a situation from all angles then isn't she.

Doesn't mean it will put her off. I yearned for children too at the OPs age. I work as a teacher and get to see warts and all what kids are like. Helped me to decide to delay having kids till I was really ready. It did take longer than expected when we started trying but we now have twins due in January. I am glad I delayed having kids for a while as I know I wasn't ready for them in my mid twenties.

make_me_wise

scheming_gypsy wrote: »

One of my mates proposed to his bird because he was pissed and knew it'd keep her quiet for a while.

What a catch :rotfl:

Was she desperate enough to say yes to a !!!!ed proposal or did she have style and say if he wanted her to marry him then ask again when sober

BugglyB

make_me_wise wrote: »

I disagree. Alot of parents wish they had known what having a child is really like, before they had gone ahead and had kids. Nothing wrong with understanding the realities of having kids before taking the plunge. Alot of people yearn for a baby with rose tinted glasses on. A bit of reality may help the OP decide if it really is the right time for her. Just seeing a situation from all angles then isn't she.

Doesn't mean it will put her off. I yearned for children too at the OPs age. I work as a teacher and get to see warts and all what kids are like. Helped me to decide to delay having kids till I was really ready. It did take longer than expected when we started trying but we now have twins due in January. I am glad I delayed having kids for a while as I know I wasn't ready for them in my mid twenties.

Oh I definitely agree with this. You are right. I didn't mean it was an unreasonable thing to say, just that it probably wouldn't help OP.

You learned from your own experience to delay having children, which is very different from what OP is talking about.

In some ways wanting a child you can't have is a sort of grief. If someones mother died, you wouldn't say to them, "well, at least you can sleep in on a sunday now, and I still have to go and see my mother every sunday morning, so look on the bright side". It might be true, but its insensitive.

BugglyB

Dont know whether I have explained myself very well above. I dont think a well thought out post about how children are very difficult or how they affect your life would be a problem. What I get tired of is flippant comments like 'well you want to see my three after swimming lessons you'd swift change your mind'..etc...from people you know wouldn't change their motherhood for the whole world and describe their children as their life.