How do I stop thinking about a baby??

pukkamum

Just be careful that you don't end up like my sister, she was with a man ten years older, she definitely wanted kids, marriage etc he would continually put her off saying it wasn't the right time or maybe next year.
They were together for nearly 15 years and she realised at 35 that it was never going to happen and she left him devastated because she truly truly loved him.
She luckily met someone else and is now married with a child but is facing dificulty having a much longed for 2nd because of her age.
She feels very angry that she 'wasted' so much time on a man who clearly had no intention of every marrrying her and having children.
Oh and to add salt to the wound he has recently had a baby with someone else!!!!!

VestanPance

Another angle might just be he's just scared, not of committing to the OP but of the responsibility of raising a child.

It's easy to think of happy families, playing with the kids, the first Christmas, birthday etc. Maybe he's over thinking what could go wrong. Financial troubles, sleepless nights, illness, having to plan everything in advance. Maybe he's petrified he'd be a bad father, or just scared he's clueless when it comes to children and he'd be no help at all.

If it's those sort of things that he's worried about then that's no bad thing, as it would show he understands that raising a child is not something to be taken lightly. Much better that than jumping in without thinking about the responsibility of it and how it will alter the lives of the parents.

Rather than the game playing ultimatums some seem to suggest you need to sit down together and have an adult conversation about this. If he can't do that then you have to wonder why you are in a relationship with him, as communication is key in a relationship. Let him know in advance you want to discuss this subject and set a time to do it. Then talk openly as adults about your feelings on the matter and attempt to come to some sort of understanding on where you go from that point onwards.

pukkamum

I do agree with the above poster my husband never 'officially' agreed to have any of our 3 children, he said yes he wanted to have children and he was always happy to let me decide when as he couldn't face saying yes definitely now (mainly i think so that if they all turned out to be nightmares he could claim it was my decision ha ha).

Have you tried simply puttting your cards on the table saying you want to start trying on such a date and if he isn't willing (barring any very very good reasons why not ) you will have re-evaluate your relationship.

euronorris

scheming_gypsy wrote: »

Then the answer will be 'yeah but you don't you b*st*rd so i might as well have them ripped out!!!'. Followed by lots of tears and a heart to heart.

I think that's too confrontational though, and could just lead to an argument, rather than a heart to heart. So, IMO, it's far better to just start with a heart to heart in the first place and skip the dramatics.

BugglyB

scheming_gypsy wrote: »

i'd go down a different route; i'd say (if i was a woman obviously) that i was thinking of having a hysterectomy because it doesn't look like we'll be having kids. If his response is "oh thank f*^k for that" rather than "what? why, I thought we were going to have a family...."
then you'll have your answer.

:eek: I hope you're joking about that! :eek:

MarilynMonroe_2

They were together for nearly 15 years and she realised at 35 that it was never going to happen and she left him devastated because she truly truly loved him.


If she would leave him because he wont have kids then he's not the man to be with anyway and he deserved better,
I think kids should be the bonus to the relationship not a given. Its sad she would leave over that.

pukkamum

MarilynMonroe wrote: »

They were together for nearly 15 years and she realised at 35 that it was never going to happen and she left him devastated because she truly truly loved him.


If she would leave him because he wont have kids then he's not the man to be with anyway and he deserved better,
I think kids should be the bonus to the relationship not a given. Its sad she would leave over that.

But surely she deserved better than a man who professed to want to have children but kept her hanging, if he had made it clear from the start that he didn't want them fair enough, he took from her many years of the family life she craved and may have taken her chances of a second baby.

Maybe children aren't a given to some people but to others they are a very very important part of life i certainly would not have married my husband if he didn't want children no matter how much i loved him.

euronorris

MarilynMonroe wrote: »

They were together for nearly 15 years and she realised at 35 that it was never going to happen and she left him devastated because she truly truly loved him.


If she would leave him because he wont have kids then he's not the man to be with anyway and he deserved better,
I think kids should be the bonus to the relationship not a given. Its sad she would leave over that.

I disagree with that....mostly.

I think it's important that both partners feel the same way about wanting to have a family. If one doesn't, and the other does, then they are not a good match and should split, IMO.

I know for myself, that if my OH didn't want kids, but strung me along for years until it was too late, I would resent him massively and would end the relationship. Purely because he would've robbed me of the chance through his own selfish behaviour.

However, if we both wanted kids, but weren't able to conceive and were refused adoption, for whatever reason, then I wouldn't leave him. Of course I wouldn't. But I think that is very different to having opposing views/wants from the start.

You may think it's mean, but I've dreamt about starting my own family since I was of primary school age. So not wanting kids is a dealbreaker for me. That isn't something I'm willing to give up because the person I'm with doesn't want kids. If they don't want kids, then we're clearly not as good a match as we thought.

Bubblygirl15

Hi again,

I have read all of your posts with interest and most of the points I fully agree with, I need to have a proper discussion with him, I dont want to resent him for the rest of my life and i think sooner rather than later would be better.

I have to say that speaking o you all on here has made me feel so much better! Never mid paying for a shrink, you guys should be paid lol! Seriously though, I really do appreciate it. I have been a poster for a long time on here but posted under a new name and it really is amazing how kind and thoughtful you all are. Thanks you all and I will keep you posted

scheming_gypsy

BugglyB wrote: »

:eek: I hope you're joking about that! :eek:

no why? .....................