How do I stop thinking about a baby??

Bubblygirl15

Hi everyone,

Looking for a bit of advice-

Background: together for 8 years, he initially didn't want a kid, changed his mind ( of his own accord) about 4 years ago, but we both wanted to wait to have a house etc. we are engaged and have been for 6 years at Christmas but although marriage is important, we decided to have a baby first.

Fast forward to now, we have been living in our "forever" house for 6 months and although I'm only 25 (he's 34) all I can think about is having a baby. My whole family are young and although I didn't want to have a baby really young, I'm ready and have been for about 5 years. My OH won't even talk about a baby, or I should say he does but he blows hot and cold, one minute he says we can start trying in 2 months, the next minute it's a year. Should I just forget about it until he is ready? I literally spend all my time thinking about this and I don't really have any friends who would understand.

I just feel so sad all the time just now (doesn't help that I've given up smoking so feel extra emotional just now- smoking stopped to help chance of conception haha!)

Can anyone offer advice or similar stories? I feel so alone...

Elle7

He isn't ready.

He's trying to be ready, and obviously feels he is making progress on some days...but that isn't helping, because when he gives you a timescale he gets your hopes up, and it's bound to hurt you when you realize that he isn't ready.

It might take him longer then expected to be ready, especially if he didn't want kids initially, but has changed his mind.

You need to be careful because if he realizes how much it means to you, he might agree to keep you happy - which isn't good. The hard times will seem even harder if he isn't ready, or didn't want to be a Dad yet.

Is there something else you can concentrate on for the time being? Work, or wedding planning? It is tough, there is no denying that. When you feel maternal, it feels like there is nothing else in the universe, and everyone has a baby but you. But it's not the right time yet, so you need something else to dote on.

I'd suggest talking to him, but I'd be worried that he would feel pressured, and either agree without being ready or decide he actually doesn't want children at all.

Did he explain why he changed his mind originally? Was it because of you? (directly or indirectly?)

go_cat

You need to talk to him about his current view on having children, explain how it is making you feel.

Its a big commitment maybe hes a bit scared by that / worried by the financial aspect?

merlot123

Are you certain your OH has changed his mind and wants children? I certainly wouldn't be marrying him if he blows hot and cold if having a child is important to you.

Bubblygirl15

Thanks, I know he's not ready and I don't want to push him into it but I'm scared it will never happen (just being over dramatic I think). I know he would just resent me if I pushed him!

I do work, I'm involved with lots of projects at work and I'm pretty busy. Wedding planning is off the cards, not willing to set a date yet.

We both work full time and are comfortable and could easily afford a child. Now I'm typing this I think he's scared if commitment tbh!!

go_cat

Bubblygirl15 wrote: »

Now I'm typing this I think he's scared if commitment tbh!!

You have been engaged for 6 years and he won't commit to a date or a child

Time for a serious chat :eek:

Bubblygirl15

go_cat wrote: »

You have been engaged for 6 years and he won't commit to a date or a child

Time for a serious chat :eek:

You're right I think. The wedding is a bit of a sore point, his view of marriage is very different to mine. His whole family don't really agree with it as its "only a bit of paper". I can handle that though, it's not marriage that I think about night and day

Elle7

Is it him who won't set a date, or you? Did he propose?

It seems odd...he is engaged, which is usually 'planning' - and 6 years is quite a long time. I expected you to say you had a date in mind and were planning slowly...not that he won't set a date. If he isn't ready to marry you, what was the point in becoming engaged?

There does seem to be more to this. If he isn't ready to get married or have children, he should have told you...so you could decide if you are happy to wait, and how long. 6 years seems a very long time...was he liked it at the time, or was he initially excited but has changed his mind?

His view on marriage could be important - if he isn't willing to commit to be with you, then he won't be ready to have a child - that is a commitment and a link which cannot be severed, and lasts forever.

go_cat

Out of interest has he been married before?

Bubblygirl15

He's never been married before, I think it all stems from his mum, she only got married to make sure she could get everything if his dad dies. Romantic huh?!

We had a ballpark date of 2014 (10 years from when we fell in love), nothing has happened to think we won't get married then, it's just not something that's high on either of our priority lists, my priorities have always been good job (check), big enough house (check) then baby...

merlot123

I would wait until 2013 and if no signs of marriage commitment (you mention 2014 for the wedding) then I would definately be reconsidering my options..