How do I stop thinking about a baby??

claire16c

euronorris wrote: »

I disagree with that....mostly.

I think it's important that both partners feel the same way about wanting to have a family. If one doesn't, and the other does, then they are not a good match and should split, IMO.

I know for myself, that if my OH didn't want kids, but strung me along for years until it was too late, I would resent him massively and would end the relationship. Purely because he would've robbed me of the chance through his own selfish behaviour.

However, if we both wanted kids, but weren't able to conceive and were refused adoption, for whatever reason, then I wouldn't leave him. Of course I wouldn't. But I think that is very different to having opposing views/wants from the start.

You may think it's mean, but I've dreamt about starting my own family since I was of primary school age. So not wanting kids is a dealbreaker for me. That isn't something I'm willing to give up because the person I'm with doesn't want kids. If they don't want kids, then we're clearly not as good a match as we thought.

I agree. I think whether a partner wants children or not is a common deal breaker. And I think it is whether they want them, as opposed to actually physically being able to have them.

Marilyn Monroe - you might think the man deserved better - but the woman who he strung along for years deserved much better than someone lying to them!

MarilynMonroe_2

I dont think someone not knowing if they want kids or not is 'stringing someone along'. Some people just don't know - they might think they do one week then change their mind ... are you with these men purely for their sperm? Or do you want to spend your life with them as a person?

Cos it sounds like some people put having kids over being with someone they profess to madly love... they can only stay with them IF they give them kids?

claire16c

MarilynMonroe wrote: »

I dont think someone not knowing if they want kids or not is 'stringing someone along'. Some people just don't know - they might think they do one week then change their mind ... are you with these men purely for their sperm? Or do you want to spend your life with them as a person?

Cos it sounds like some people put having kids over being with someone they profess to madly love... they can only stay with them IF they give them kids?

Someone saying 'it isnt the right time' is different to saying they dont know.

Not the right time suggests that one day it therefore will be the right time.

I wouldnt marry someone who didnt want kids. End of.

And I wouldnt expect someone who didnt want children to marry me either. Its quite simple.

Having children isnt like what deciding to order for dinner. Its a massive life altering decision.

MarilynMonroe_2

I think we'll just have to agree to disagree on this one.

I mean if kids are more important than finding the person you want to share your life with then why not skip the bloke altogether and just go for AI? ... Then try and find the man you want to be with.

Just a suggestion!!

claire16c

MarilynMonroe wrote: »

I think we'll just have to agree to disagree on this one.

I mean if kids are more important than finding the person you want to share your life with then why not skip the bloke altogether and just go for AI? ... Then try and find the man you want to be with.

Just a suggestion!!

The point is that the person I want to share my life with, is someone who wants children.

If they dont want kids, then they dont share the same hopes and dreams as me, so they would not be the person I wanted to share my life with.

MarilynMonroe_2

Yeh if life was like a 'to do list' and check each bit off... but it isnt. What if your oh was sterile, would he be dumped even if he did want children?

If you feel THAT strongly though then you have to end it and find someone who straight away agrees to have kids, and can give you them, or else youre 'wasting your time' apparantly (according to poster a few posts back).

Imagine if roles were reversed and women were being dumped because they couldnt make up their minds if they wanted children or not, those men would be called all the names under the sun... I mean its not a straight yes or no question to some people.
You might find the man who gives you them gladly but would you be sacrificing 'maybe the love of your life?' in return?

Then again youre 25 and you have alot of time yet,anything could happen in the next 10 years.

claire16c

MarilynMonroe wrote: »

Yeh if life was like a 'to do list' and check each bit off... but it isnt. What if your oh was sterile, would he be dumped even if he did want children?

I put in my post above, "And I think it is whether they want them, as opposed to actually physically being able to have them."

So no. But we would try to adopt.

Also talking of reversing the roles, someone I know has recently been 'dumped' as you call it, by his girlfriend because she doesnt want children and she knows he deep down wants a family. So yes it can happen the other way round.

BugglyB

scheming_gypsy wrote: »

no why? .....................

If I have to explain why thats messed up my friend I don't think you'll get it!

scheming_gypsy

BugglyB wrote: »

If I have to explain why thats messed up my friend I don't think you'll get it!

you have to explain because there's nothing wrong with it unless of course you decided that i said to actually go and have one rather than say they might as well have one.

euronorris

MarilynMonroe wrote: »

I dont think someone not knowing if they want kids or not is 'stringing someone along'. Some people just don't know - they might think they do one week then change their mind ... are you with these men purely for their sperm? Or do you want to spend your life with them as a person?

Cos it sounds like some people put having kids over being with someone they profess to madly love... they can only stay with them IF they give them kids?

Of course I am not with my OH purely for his sperm. Don't be so silly. I want to spend my life with him, because he wants to have a family too (amongst many other reasons).

I am with him for a number of reasons, and that includes the fact that he wants to have a family. I knew that early on in our relationship. Had it been different, the relationship would not have gotten off the ground, because he wouldn't have been able to offer me what I wanted.

In the same way that I wouldn't continue to date someone who's morals don't match mine. I don't see how that's any different, but I expect that you wouldn't berate someone for that. It's about compatibility. IMO, anyone whose morals and family desires don't match mine is not a good match and couldn't possibly be the love of my life.

Since then, we have discussed the 'what if's' of having a family in some depth and have agreed that we will only try IVF once (if needed), as we are afraid about what the strain and stress that whole process can cause, and if that fails then we will adopt. If all of those options result in no children for us, so be it. The point is that we both want them, and we both want to try, and we are both agreed on how far we are prepared to go in that respect.

As I said, it's not about not being able to have children, it's about wanting them!

If I met a guy who wasn't sure, I'd probably end the relationship at the start. Sure, it's not his fault he's not sure, and it's such a big decision, he should take his time and be really certain, but I want to be with someone who IS sure, who's always been sure, who's perhaps terrified and exceptionally excited by it all at the same time.

And as Claire said, there's also a big difference between 'I'm not sure' and 'It's not the right time'. If you say 'it's not the right time' that implies that you want children, but for whatever reason, you do not think that now is a good time to have them.