Bought clothes for toddler niece but she never wore them

esmerelda98

mummyroysof3 wrote: »

i have to say if a family member did what you did i would take it as an insult that you think what i buy isnt good enough..you wont know unless you ask though

There's no pleasing some people. All the OP did was listen to her SIL and on the basis of what her SIL said she chose a gift. How lovely that a person takes the time to consider what might be appreciated and buys accordingly. Okay, the SIL might have bought something else if she was given the money, but the OP is not a mind reader.

Some people have practically abused her for being a bit upset that despite having bought her quite a few things, presumably over a fair period, she has never seen her niece in a single item. Many sensible reasons have been given for why this might be, though I do think it odd that she hasn't seen her niece wear any. If she had only given her niece the odd item then I would agree that most likely she has worn them in her absence, but if I were to sell a load of clothes because I was strapped for cash, I would keep at least one outfit, and ensure the child wore it at last once when we expected to see Aunty. It's a nice gesture, by no means required, but it certainly gives the message that the gift was appreciated.

rachbc

I say I wish I could afford Boden - because I wish I had more money not becuase I would spend it on Boden if I did have it - I just woudn't spend that kind of money on kids clothes. There is nothing wrong with primark, charity shops (especially if she gets boden from them) or homemade. I am making my dd applique t shirts just like the boden ones but for £3 each.

Although your intention was lovely you may well have inadvertantly offended by implying that what they have currently isn't good enough.

esmerelda98

I do think you have to be careful not to buy too much, for various reasons, but even if she is put out that you did, I think it would be odd to react by not dresing the niece in any of the clothes. I think the most likely explanation is that they are either treated as 'going out clothes' or your niece does wear them but not that often, probably her mum prefers things she has chosen herself. I would buy much less, and ask for advice on what to buy. You may wish to add that you're asking because you are not sure if you got it right the last time, but then it may come out that you are a bit upset about not seeing your niece in the clothes.

mummyroysof3

esmerelda98 wrote: »

There's no pleasing some people. All the OP did was listen to her SIL and on the basis of what her SIL said she chose a gift. How lovely that a person takes the time to consider what might be appreciated and buys accordingly. Okay, the SIL might have bought something else if she was given the money, but the OP is not a mind reader.

Some people have practically abused her for being a bit upset that despite having bought her quite a few things, presumably over a fair period, she has never seen her niece in a single item. Many sensible reasons have been given for why this might be, though I do think it odd that she hasn't seen her niece wear any. If she had only given her niece the odd item then I would agree that most likely she has worn them in her absence, but if I were to sell a load of clothes because I was strapped for cash, I would keep at least one outfit, and ensure the child wore it at last once when we expected to see Aunty. It's a nice gesture, by no means required, but it certainly gives the message that the gift was appreciated.

i agree that it would be a nice gift but i also agree that OP is not a mind reader so maybe should have checked with the childs parents before spending alot of money on clothes..this situation wouldnt be happening then would it

euronorris

esmerelda98 wrote: »

There's no pleasing some people. All the OP did was listen to her SIL and on the basis of what her SIL said she chose a gift. How lovely that a person takes the time to consider what might be appreciated and buys accordingly. Okay, the SIL might have bought something else if she was given the money, but the OP is not a mind reader.

IF this is how the SIL feels, then neither the OP or the SIL is wrong. Yes, it was a lovely gesture, but it doesn't mean that the SIL won't feel inadequate or put down.

The only way to resolve that is for the two of them to talk about it. I think it would be a good idea for the OP to simply ask about whether they were a good fit/appropriate with a view to ensuring she gets it right in future. She can even say something like 'I just want to make sure, because if they are a bad fit/inappropriate, I don't want to keep getting the wrong thing.'.

I would hope that that would open up the conversation, without being confrontational about it.

Hermia

esmerelda98 wrote: »

There's no pleasing some people. All the OP did was listen to her SIL and on the basis of what her SIL said she chose a gift.

True, but I sometimes think you have to be careful when someone says they like something. As others have said the SIL may have said she would like to own Boden because she wished she was that wealthy rather than because she actually adored Boden. My aunt used to buy me things I apparantly said I liked, but it was usually just down to me making a remark in passing. Once she bought me an expensive coffee table book because I once idly made a comment about how nice the photograph on the cover was. It was just small talk!

If it really bothers the OP they just talk to the SIL, but ultimately people can do what they want with pressies. I have to say I now tend to just ask parents what presents their kids will like. I don't have kids so the chance of me working out what the parents and the kids will like is nil! I find most parents are more than happy to give me some ideas.

esmerelda98

euronorris wrote: »

IF this is how the SIL feels, then neither the OP or the SIL is wrong. Yes, it was a lovely gesture, but it doesn't mean that the SIL won't feel inadequate or put down.

The only way to resolve that is for the two of them to talk about it. I think it would be a good idea for the OP to simply ask about whether they were a good fit/appropriate with a view to ensuring she gets it right in future. She can even say something like 'I just want to make sure, because if they are a bad fit/inappropriate, I don't want to keep getting the wrong thing.'.

I would hope that that would open up the conversation, without being confrontational about it.

My first comment was actually in respect of the post I quoted, not regarding the SIL. I have acknowledged that the SIL might have felt she went OTT. Regarding the post I quoted, I felt it unfair for the poster to say if it was her she would have been insulted, without noting that the OP was trying to get the gift right by buying from a place the SIL has admired. No matter how wrong I think the gift is, I would appreciate that she bought something she thought I would like based on what I had said. Of course the context of the comment is important as others have mentioned, but based on a simple statement that doesn't appear to have any ulterior meaning, some of the comments harsh, some are nasty.

esmerelda98

Hermia wrote: »

True, but I sometimes think you have to be careful when someone says they like something. As others have said the SIL may have said she would like to own Boden because she wished she was that wealthy rather than because she actually adored Boden. My aunt used to buy me things I apparantly said I liked, but it was usually just down to me making a remark in passing. Once she bought me an expensive coffee table book because I once idly made a comment about how nice the photograph on the cover was. It was just small talk!

You posted while I was typing up my reply to euronorris. I think I have addressed this point in that post. While I think buying for children is a bit different, what else do we have to go on when buying for people than small talk. People often buy gifts without asking the recipient what they want, and I don't think that's a bad thing, in general.

euronorris

esmerelda98 wrote: »

My first comment was actually in respect of the post I quoted, not regarding the SIL. I have acknowledged that the SIL might have felt she went OTT. Regarding the post I quoted, I felt it unfair for the poster to say if it was her she would have been insulted, without noting that the OP was trying to get the gift right by buying from a place the SIL has admired. No matter how wrong I think the gift is, I would appreciate that she bought something she thought I would like based on what I had said. Of course the context of the comment is important as others have mentioned, but based on a simple statement that doesn't appear to have any ulterior meaning, some of the comments harsh, some are nasty.

I understand that, but even knowing that it was based on the fact that the OP's SIL liked Boden, doesn't mean that offence wouldn't still be taken by someone else.

There are some items I would love, but can't afford. It's just a wistful lust, that I would like to be able to buy them myself. If someone else started buying them for me, I'd be upset. It's just a reminder that I can't afford them, whilst at the same time pointing out that the giver can and took pity (that's the important word there) on me. That's how it would feel to me. So I can understand mummyroysof3's point of view there.

Some of the comments on here are harsh, they always are on here, so you have to be able to take them with a pinch of salt.

Personally, I do think that most people should ask someone what they would like for a gift. It removes the potential to get it so wrong, and see a gift wasted. And if you get a wishlist from them, then you can still surprise them with what you get.

Perhaps it would also be an idea for the OP to agree a price limit for future gifts. We have that in my family for the children, and will ask about anything more expensive, usually resulting in us clubbing together so it's a joint gift.

esmerelda98

euronorris wrote: »

I understand that, but even knowing that it was based on the fact that the OP's SIL liked Boden, doesn't mean that offence wouldn't still be taken by someone else.

There are some items I would love, but can't afford. It's just a wistful lust, that I would like to be able to buy them myself. Aren't these the sorts of things we keep to ourselves, or they are so special or unusual that even if we mentioned them, it is because there is no chance that someone would get us one, a Ferrari, for example? If someone else started buying them for me, I'd be upset. It's just a reminder that I can't afford them, whilst at the same time pointing out that the giver can and took pity (that's the important word there) on me. That's how it would feel to me. So I can understand mummyroysof3's point of view there.

Some of the comments on here are harsh, they always are on here, so you have to be able to take them with a pinch of salt.

Personally, I do think that most people should ask someone what they would like for a gift. It removes the potential to get it so wrong, and see a gift wasted. And if you get a wishlist from them, then you can still surprise them with what you get. To me that takes a lot of the 'magic' out of gift-giving. I do do it, but with certain people who are close to me and it isn't very special at all. But gift-giving isn't just about the recipient, the giver gets joy too from choosing the gift and anticipating the joy of the recipient, in a way showing their interest in that person by noting their likes and dislikes, their personality etc. They have to take the risk that it may not be liked or used, but it can also open up a new world to the recipient. If I hadn't a clue what to buy, then I might ask, then again I probably wouldn't be getting them a gift.

Perhaps it would also be an idea for the OP to agree a price limit for future gifts. We have that in my family for the children, and will ask about anything more expensive, usually resulting in us clubbing together so it's a joint gift.

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