it would all be great but............

mrs_marty

I kind of understand where you are coming from my ever loving Dad is as old valued (irish catholic) as they come and I bent his whole belief system round about. I did nothing wrong just wouldnt stay married to a lying cheating emotionally abusive tw*t, I left with my two children and started my life again. But this was "alien" to him. My parents have been married to each other for 35 years and their parents gosh who knows how long.

You have to get your head round this and fast or YOU risk losing everything. Your sons ex has done nothing wrong she is just getting on with her life and yes sadly not with your son creating a trad unit. You said another man stayed and had sex. Who told you this and to what benefit has this knowledge done other than upset you?

Your son is going to move on start again have his own place, start a new relationship, you grandson will stay over, your son may choose to have sex with his new partner, whilst grandson stays - will this make him a man whoare? No.

My Dad eventually got his head round things now loves my new hubby, our lovely DD and is content with what his eldest DD is up to, and Im not going to burn in the fires of hell. I hope you reach that stage too, before damage is done

zcrat41

Wow, I'm amazed by some of the vitriol that's thrown about on this thread.

I'm a youngster who also agrees in old fashioned values of a child is best brought up by two married parents who can afford it.

However, that doesn't mean to say that you can't accept that people make mistakes and that you should still love and be there for your grandson. You can't change what has happened, it's how you deal with it that matters.

You are perfectly entitled to your own opinion and if that's your opinion of your grandchild's mother that's fine. But I hope your opinion of your son is also as reflective of the truth of the situation. My parents would have (quite rightly I think) been very troubled by a pregnancy outside of marriage and I hope your opinion of your son reflects that.

Good luck OT. You can still be a fab gran x

clearingout

I come from a non-divorced family. My ex husband comes from a very much divorced family. He didn't have the best upbringing. Neither did I - but in other ways to him.

If there is one thing that my separation and divorce have taught me (separation and divorce I didn't want, I might add) is that you have no idea at all what is going on behind closed doors and in addition to that, no idea what is going on in your partner's head. Doesn't matter how long you have known them and what you think you know about them, they are capable of their own free thought and that might not be the same as anything you might be thinking.

OP - I ask you this. How sure are you that all your relatives are living in some kind of marital harmony? I wonder how many of them have had their partner's hit them? Emotionally abuse them? I wonder how many of them try to make ends meet whilst their partner spends a small fortune gambling online or drinking in the pub on the way home from work or on prostitutes whilst on business trips? I wonder how many put up with a partner's inadequacies because they fear what the family will think if they leave? I wonder how many children in your extended family are being brought up with parents who constantly fight, bicker, or openly hate each other in the home but are able to put on a brave face in public? Do you think people aren't capable of that? Ask any of us here who have had partners who had an affair whether or not we knew...I think you will be surprized at the response.

30 years ago divorce might not have been the 'norm' that it is now. People may well have tried harder at their marriages and some may well have succeeded as a result. Equally, I suspect many people lived miserably because they feared being called a !!!!!! by people like you. Not much of a life, is it?

Are all single mothers sluts in your eyes, then?

Arg

claire16c wrote: »

His ex only had a baby with him because he had s** with her. It takes two to tango.

It takes one to decide the pregnancy.

adamantine

Arg wrote: »

It takes one to decide the pregnancy.

its her body so ultimately its her choice. if he didnt want to risk a baby (same goes for every man out there) then cover it or dont have sex. simple.

do not do the act if you are not mature enough to deal with the consequences.

janninew

Where does it say he didn't use a condom? Maybe he did and it didn't work, I hear on this forum so many people saying 'we used a condom/pill etc but it didn't work.

Clearly the OP is from a different generation and has entirely different views on children, marriage etc.

Like others have said the child is here now and you have to get on with things, have a good relationship with your grandchild and realise that not everybody has the same views/ideas on marriage and children as you do.

euronorris

oldtractor wrote: »

he's my problem, I need to come to terms with my family circumstances. My eldest son [early 20's] was in a relationship which resulted in pregnacy for his GF. I wasnt planned but we do really feel the GF had the baby to get away from home and get her own place [on the council]. we are 99% sure of this and believe our son was "caught".

Why do you believe this? Is it based on a prejudice against her background? Or was she expressing a deep desire to become a mother, and for him to be the father beforehand? Had she mentioned before that she would like to do it at all?

Additionally, how exactly did she 'catch' him? Was he not using a condom? If he wasn't, then he only has himself to blame if he didn't want to have a child yet.

Even if he did use a condom, sometimes they fail. It does not automatically mean that she was out to purposely get pregnant.

Now,they lived together for 2 years ,the relationship broke up and he returned home,terribly hurt and upset,as although she was being very difficult towards him,including bringing in her boyfriend and having sex with him whilst my son was in the house],my son didnt wan to leave because of the child who he deeply loves.

Had your son and she split up before this new boyfriend came round? If so, why was your son still there? Was he trying to force her to stay in the relationship? In those circumstances, I could understand her actions.

However, if they had only just broken up, then it is nasty of her to do that. I don't think it makes her a !!!!!! though. It just makes her a bit of a heartless b1tch!

my family background is that every one is married and settled me and my DH have been together nearly 30 yrs.mt sons ex comes from a background of single mother and presumably cant see the need for a husband.

Not necessarily. Maybe she does want to get married, but things weren't working between your son and her.

And even if she doesn't want to get married, that is her choice. It does not mean she cannot be in a committed relationship and provide a stable home for the child. It just won't be with your son.

The ex now has another boyfriend living with her. my grandchild stays with his father[my son] every weekend, he is now 5. but I am so worried about my grandchild. he seems fine but to me parents should be married and living together with father supporting and preferably mother at home.

That is your ideal, but it is not the situation at hand. So, with that in mind, why exactly are you worried about your grandson? Does he not have regular access to his father? Do mother and father argue continuously in front of him? Is he being neglected in any way?

It's not perfect, according to your ideal, but it's not the end of the world either.

Is there any real cause for concern here, or are you more concerned with image you feel this projects about you and your family?

All this modern stuff is totally alien to me and I just wan my son and his ex to be a happy little family as all my relatives are. I just think my grandson is heavily disadvantaged by his mothers sluttishness. I know there is nothing I can do but the whole thing upsets me.

His mothers sluttishness? Because she has slept with someone other than your son? Oh, come on now. From what you have written, there has only been one other guy, with whom she is now in a long term relationship with. That is not slutty. I do not see how this will disadvantage your grandson.

I don't understand what exactly is so upsetting. OK, it's not your ideal, but the setup as you have described it, is not going to do much (if any) damage either. It is just different to what you expected and hoped for.

So long as your son and this woman can maintain a civil relationship, and your son gets to spend regular quality time with your grandson, I really don't think you have anything to worry about.

The only alternative would be to force your son and this woman back into a deeply unhappy relationship. Kids pick up on that very easily and it can have a deep and long lasting pyschological effect. Would you honestly prefer that?

pinkshoes

You can make sure your side of the family give him a sensible upbringing with rules and morals. And no matter what you think of your grandchild's mother, NEVER bad mouth her in front of her child!!

As your son had unprotected sex, it wasn't an accident.

newcook

oldtractor wrote: »

but I am so worried about my grandchild. he seems fine but to me parents should be married and living together with father supporting and preferably mother at home.

maybe the boyfriend is planning on popping the question - then the parents will be married! you will need to accept that your grandson now has 3 parents and when your son meets someone and gets married he will have 4 parents who love him - what a lucky little boy!!


the majority of the time it is better for the parents to split up instead of staying together for the child. Believe me, it is not a nice environment where your parents argue every night thinking the kids cant hear and in the daytime speaking to each other with such venom in their voice you don’t know if its ‘safe’ to ask mom or dad for something in case you get your head bitten off!

There are always 2 sides to every story – have you even bothered to ask her what happened or why it didn’t work out?!

donnap83

You're on a different planet love!

I'd be more worried about YOUR influence on the child, with an attitude like that!!