it would all be great but............

3v3

oldtractor wrote: »

he's my problem, I need to come to terms with my family circumstances. ..... I am so worried about my grandchild. he seems fine but to me parents should be married and living together ....All this modern stuff is totally alien to me and I just wan my son and his ex to be a happy little family as all my relatives are .... I know there is nothing I can do but the whole thing upsets me.

I can understand why you feel the way you do, as you say, it is "alien" to you and you rightly highlight that you need to come to terms with your family circumstances. The best way to do that is to not view it negatively but to turn your focus into the positive aspects of the situation.

Naturally you are concerned about your grandson, but, you say he seems fine; even though his parents do not live together, he doesn't know any different. It may not be your "norm", but it is for your grandson. It is also the "norm" for many children, so he is unlikely to feel "different" or "the odd one out" at school.

As one poster already put it: be the best grandparent you can be to him. That may not always be easy when he gets to spend time with his father only at weekends, so you may like to consider cultivating a positive relationship with his mother so that you don't jeopardise any potential to be that best grandmother.

How the mother conducts her life/relationships is something you will just have to overlook; instead, focus on the fact that she is the mother of your grandson. There are many occasions when you might hope to be included in milestones of your grandson and having positive communications and dealings with his mum could make the difference between being included, not excluded, in those milestones

Your son still has the opportunity to meet someone, marry, have children together and remain married for the rest of their days.

I really hope you find a way to look at the situation which makes it less upsetting for you and that you are able to come to terms with your family circumstances.

Dizzy_Ditzy

my parents have been married for nearly 35 years.

my brother had a planned baby with his GF (at the time). They were not married. My parents are both quite old-fashioned but accepted the fact that there was a baby and dealt with it.

Brother and GF married 9 months after my nephews birth.

12 months later his wife cheated on him, absolutely crushing my bro's world. Me? I could have killed her. My parents were horrified but did their best to stand by my bro.

Because my family are decent people, although we cannot forget what she put my bro through, we were bigger than that and realised that in order to keep life as normal as possible for my nephew, we had to show a united front in dealing with her when she was being difficult about bro's access to his son.

6 years have passed since then. My nephew knows that mum and dad arent together anymore but has absolutely no idea of the hatred i had for his mother (i still havent forgotten and certainly not forgiven) but if i want my nephew to have some sort of normal life without people messing with his very young and impressionable head, then i have to be the bigger person in this. There's plenty of time when he is an adult for him to find out about his early childhood.

I think my point is that you need to keep your opinions to yourself and your husband. Do not speak to your son of your feelings. Listen to him but do not give your opinion of her. Its none of your business.

And certainly do not treat the little boy any differently to how you would have done had his parents been married.

If they had been married, his life would have been miserable and he would have still been in the same situation.

emsywoo123

Yup, OP, you are right......it is YOUR problem.

You sound at best naive, at worst......I do not want to go there!

aliasojo

oldtractor wrote: »

he's my problem, I need to come to terms with my family circumstances.

OP, you gave yourself the answer in your very first sentence.

It can be difficult when you have strong beliefs and others just don't conform to them, but the problem really is with you I'm afraid.

Try hard to learn to adapt your thinking, if you don't then I suspect you will be the one who ends up continually suffering.

Blue_Elephant

oldtractor wrote: »

My eldest son [early 20's] was in a relationship which resulted in pregnacy for his GF. I wasnt planned but we do really feel the GF had the baby to get away from home and get her own place [on the council].

So your son had no control/responsibility towards birth control himself? I'm confused as to how this was completely the ex-gf's doing. Or do you think she should have just "got rid"?

we are 99% sure of this and believe our son was "caught". Now,they lived together for 2 years ,the relationship broke up and he returned home,terribly hurt and upset,as although she was being very difficult towards him,including bringing in her boyfriend and having sex with him whilst my son was in the house]

So they broke up, your son chose to continue to live there, and this means she isn't allowed to have her own life?

,my son didnt wan to leave because of the child who he deeply loves.

my family background is that every one is married and settled me and my DH have been together nearly 30 yrs.

My parents have been unhappily married for over 30 years. Due to cultural reasons, and yes their "backgrounds" they won't split up. Everyone, including them would have been happier if they had.

"Staying together for the sake of the kids" is a myth, trust me.

mt sons ex comes from a background of single mother and presumably cant see the need for a husband. The ex now has another boyfriend living with her.

She's not allowed another relationship now because your son didn't use a condom?

my grandchild stays with his father[my son] every weekend, he is now 5.

But I am so worried about my grandchild. he seems fine but to me parents should be married and living together with father supporting and preferably mother at home.

So what are your "judgements" on families where both parents work? Or is it a case of your way is the right and only way? I don't understand how an unhappy marriage is any good for a child, and I am the product of such a marriage.

there is nothing stopping the father supporting his child, you know he can apply to pay maintenance if he wants.

All this modern stuff is totally alien to me and I just wan my son and his ex to be a happy little family as all my relatives are.

But this isn't about you and your wants. All this "modern stuff" like women working and able to raise children without being married must be awful. I guess women voting and being able to own property rather than be property is just lower than low.

just think my grandson is heavily disadvantaged by his mothers sluttishness.

To add to my point above, sexual freedom does not a !!!!!! make. It's not as though she was cheating on your son. And to be honest being disgustingly judgemental of somebody because they can choose a life where they don't have to be unhappy, is far worse than being sexually liberated.

I know there is nothing I can do but the whole thing upsets me.

I'm sorry if I come across as a bit harsh, but I was expecting a thread along the lines of "my son's ex-gf is witholding access to my son and us and she's putting the child in danger" Not "they split up and aren't married and now she's dared to have another relationship".

/tuppence.

Seanymph

It may be that your grandson 'appears fine' because he is. He has two involved parents who love him. He has a mother who encourages and enables his father to have regular contact. He's a lot better off than many children - including those who live in a house with two warring parents or two parents who ignore each other.

ceridwen

Oh dear.....Old Tractor - I'm sorry to see some of the nasty comments that have been written about you.

They are untrue and unfair and I feel for you having to read such comments.

My guess is that you are in the same generation I am and there is this thing in "currently fashionable thinking" that a lot subscribe to about "It simply doesnt matter if parents are married or otherwise together" - whilst at the same time sticking to the "fashionable thinking" of two generations and more back that both biological parents are equally responsible (even though that hasnt been the case since the Pill and legalised abortion came along in the 1970s).

I dont quite understand how some people can reconcile one aspect of fashionable 21st century thinking with the other aspect of very old-fashioned 1950s era and before thinking at one and the same time in their heads - but there you go...some people seem to be able to do so somehow.

I'm with you that a child is supposed to be loved/wanted/planned by BOTH parents.

I'm with you in thinking "What sort of woman sleeps with another man whilst her boyfriend is there in the same house?". The other man is very lucky your son didnt barge in there and "demonstrate the strength of his feelings" on the spot. I would say "!!!!!!" is a perfectly accurate word to describe a woman who would do something like that.

Anyway - I understand why you feel the way you do and sympathise. If I'd had a son finding he was going to be a father when he hadnt agreed to this in advance - the woman concerned would have had me on her doorstep sharpish to help sort the situation out.

Since she went ahead and had the child and they went ahead and lived together - then whats done is done and all you can do now is be as supportive as you can to your son and try to fulfil the "good grandparent" role to the child and carefully never ever say a word to the child about his mother. The poor child didnt choose to have someone like her as a mother - but thats what he got - so the best thing you can do is fulfil the "responsible, caring adult" role in his life. Once he reaches adulthood at some point it will strike him that he has never ever heard you say one single word about what you think of his mother - and probably add up the circumstances of his birth and realise why for himself....but thats as maybe and in the future.

So - just stay in absolutely "neutral" mode with this woman and "good grandmother - who never says a word about this woman to her child" and thats the best you can do now about this situation.

Good luck.

bucketshop

Ceridwen, i read it as she slept with her new boyfriend whilst her ex was in the house, not that she cheated on him. Not sure what you mean by "the woman concerned would have had me on her doorstep sharpish to help sort the situation out" as it is laughable that you think you should have any influence on another woman's reproductive freedom. Bottom line is he had sex with her and that's where his choice ends.

I'm shocked at the judgement on this thread and that so many people have no issue with throwing the word "!!!!!!" around. She didn't get herself pregnant, they are BOTH responsible. I thought we lived in the 21st century now.

*Redhead*

If the OP's son didn't want children, then he should have used protection. End of.
He didn't, she didnt, so a baby was made.
They are BOTH responsible.

I read your original post as your son and his ex split up, yet your son continued to live there as he didn't want to leave the child.
If this is the case, then I see nothing wrong with what the girl did. She moved on from a relationship that didnt work. Your son didn't, when really he had no place in living there as it was her house.

I'm quite interested in what Ceridwen means, when she says she'd have been on the doorstep to help sort the situation out. You mean try and force her into an abortion? You sound lovely.

Is your grandson fed? Schooled? Clothed?
If the answer is yes, then no matter what she's done she's done right your grandson. I can't see any reason for the contempt shown for her by yourself and Ceridwen.

I think you need to step back and see that you're lucky to have a grandson that's well looked after, and you need to let go of your old fashioned views and realise that no matter how hard people try, some people aren't meant to be together.

dirtysexymonkey

ceridwen wrote: »

Oh dear.....Old Tractor - I'm sorry to see some of the nasty comments that have been written about you.

They are untrue and unfair and I feel for you having to read such comments.

My guess is that you are in the same generation I am and there is this thing in "currently fashionable thinking" that a lot subscribe to about "It simply doesnt matter if parents are married or otherwise together" - whilst at the same time sticking to the "fashionable thinking" of two generations and more back that both biological parents are equally responsible (even though that hasnt been the case since the Pill and legalised abortion came along in the 1970s).

I dont quite understand how some people can reconcile one aspect of fashionable 21st century thinking with the other aspect of very old-fashioned 1950s era and before thinking at one and the same time in their heads - but there you go...some people seem to be able to do so somehow.

I'm with you that a child is supposed to be loved/wanted/planned by BOTH parents.

I'm with you in thinking "What sort of woman sleeps with another man whilst her boyfriend is there in the same house?". The other man is very lucky your son didnt barge in there and "demonstrate the strength of his feelings" on the spot. I would say "!!!!!!" is a perfectly accurate word to describe a woman who would do something like that.

Anyway - I understand why you feel the way you do and sympathise. If I'd had a son finding he was going to be a father when he hadnt agreed to this in advance - the woman concerned would have had me on her doorstep sharpish to help sort the situation out.

Since she went ahead and had the child and they went ahead and lived together - then whats done is done and all you can do now is be as supportive as you can to your son and try to fulfil the "good grandparent" role to the child and carefully never ever say a word to the child about his mother. The poor child didnt choose to have someone like her as a mother - but thats what he got - so the best thing you can do is fulfil the "responsible, caring adult" role in his life. Once he reaches adulthood at some point it will strike him that he has never ever heard you say one single word about what you think of his mother - and probably add up the circumstances of his birth and realise why for himself....but thats as maybe and in the future.

So - just stay in absolutely "neutral" mode with this woman and "good grandmother - who never says a word about this woman to her child" and thats the best you can do now about this situation.

Good luck.

they werent together. the ops son refused to leave and the girl moved on with her life - or should she live like a nun because shes got a child?

i do hate to break it to you but the ops son had every chance to agree not to be a father by using protection or not sleeping with her. he didnt. its ridiculous that you think you could turn up on this girls doorstep and think you could sort it out. id expect you to get the biggest slap going for daring to interfere in someones reproductive organs and her unborn child. how dare you!

i have to say your post and the ops have been quite the eye opener and i now believe that some grandmothers should be kept far away from their grandchildren for the grandchilds benefit!