Partner hit me...

DUTR

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Oh, there's definitely control there, he wants her to be all over him and not with anyone else enjoying herself.
He's teaching her to do what she's told.

I see no evidence of that he wants her to be all over him, as another poster has mentioned, he was probably sat in the house with his mind doing overtime, or the episode may have arisen from events prior to the OP going out, who is to know that the evening spend money was not allocated to pay a household bill? As said it does not make the slap acceptable , but when I see posts from people depressed and lonely in the house with 2 children and no money after they done the right thing and left and the ex is now with a new partner after resolving their personal issues and living happily ever after, none of the warriors are there to assist the poster :mad:

BitterAndTwisted

The OP doesn't need to mention the word "control" for it to be easily understood from the way she has described this man's behaviour. If he truly had anger-management issues he'd have hit her when they were out, and in front of other people. hH waited and festered about it until they were at home and then let loose. That's very clearly controlling and bullying behaviour from where I'm standing.

I'd get the hell out of this relationship while I was still able to walk.

purple.sarah

DUTR wrote: »

I never said that though did I?
The OP never mentioned control, which seems to be a phrase banded about all too often on here.
Ok, so you would leave in a similar situation, but you have to accept not everyone will follow that path and I'm sure there are a greater amount of episodes that work out all happy in the end.

The OP mentioned that the attacks and anger are often triggered by her talking to other people or going out and having fun, that sounds pretty controlling! :eek:

Research shows that domestic violence usually gets worse over time not better so advice to hold out for a happy ending is just dangerous.

Sambucus_Nigra

VestanPance wrote: »

As much as I agree that she should ditch the guy, this part isn't true.

Anger is an emotion and isn't only there at the point that triggers the emotion. In fact studies show the classic 'bottling up' of anger tends to lead to the problem becoming worse and manifesting itself in violence. It may be he sat and built up the anger over something that happened much earlier in the night, thus the anger is higher at the point of the assault. The obvious way to defuse that is to talk the issue over at the point the emotion is triggered, not allowing the anger to build.

No, he waited until he was home so that nobody saw him do it. That's what they do. It was premeditated and planned.

Just_Plain_Jane

DUTR wrote: »

For the same reason, you think it will carry on, who is to say the resolve is around the OP never going out without her partner? I'm sure there are female readers on here that have been in a similar situation that have come to a positive resolve without having to run to a refuge.

Whether it's going to get worse or it isn't, I wouldn't and in fact didn't hang around to find out. I'm one of those women who 'ran to a refuge'.

VestanPance

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Oh, there's definitely control there, he wants her to be all over him and not with anyone else enjoying herself.
He's teaching her to do what she's told.

I think this is reading in to this too far. Control type personalities even in the male of the species more often than not do this through emotional methods. If he has control issues it would manifest in more than one area.

If I was to hazard a guess I'd say he has insecurity issues, possible betrayal in the past. He views her "fun" as "flirting" which triggers the anger from his view its a betrayal. Add drink to the mix and no resolution to the issue at heart and it eventually triggers a physical response.

He needs help with his anger. She needs to walk away.

lottiedottie

My cousin was found dead after she was stabbed 56 times by her husband because she wanted to leave him, the coroner also reported 8 large old bruises on her body. No body knew anything about it.

Look after yourself and if possible get the hell out of there.:(

meritaten

OP - if this truly is the case where it happens ONLY when OH has had a drink - then its not anger management he needs - its alcohol management!
I would give him one more chance - but and thats a very big BUT, its dependant on him NOT drinking.
If he can control his anger/jealousy when he is sober, and he really loves you and wants the relationship to work - then giving up alcohol may be the answer.
I know I will probably get a lot of flack for this - but if you think this may work, then its worth trying.
but, you have to be prepared to follow through on your ultimatum.
The next time he hits you (boozed up or not) he leaves or you leave.

DUTR

purple.sarah wrote: »

The OP mentioned that the attacks and anger are often triggered by her talking to other people or going out and having fun, that sounds pretty controlling! :eek:

Research shows that domestic violence usually gets worse over time not better so advice to hold out for a happy ending is just dangerous.

I agree with some of your points, cuckolding is also a sort of control, and some people enjoy the feeling of being jealous and some don't , it depends how we are analysing what having fun is? Perhaps the OP is a flirt (nothing wrong with that) , we don't know the full ins and outs. I do know though that not every case of DV ends up being or near fatal.

jamespir

you should leave if you can