Mortified

MarilynMonroe_2

If you cant see how quack quaks post was overly rude then you have my sympathies!

mishkanorman

bedpotato wrote: »

I don't see what is overly rude about what QuackQuack (or the librarian) said. It's just logic. If the OP had been pregnant, presumably she wouldn't have been offended.

It seems people are trying to say the rule here is: if you're truly pregnant, it's not rude to point it out / congratulate you. If you're not pregnant but just overweight and look pregnant, it is rude (even though the person cannot possibly know that you're not). That is nonsense.

It's not rudeness; it's just a case of people taking an interest in your life and making polite conversation. If the OP had been pregnant and the librarian had said what she did the OP would probably just have smiled and said, yes, isn't it great? and not dashed off to start slating the poor librarian on an Internet forum.

This all stems from a bigger issue: is it rude / acceptable to make observations about someone's physical appearance to their face? We all do it behind people's backs, but is it OK to point it out to them in person? "Oh, you're looking so fat / thin / tall / pale / tired, and your clothes / hair / nails / etc. are too long / short / different / etc."

A lot of people seem to have selective ideas about what things are rude and what aren't. You lot seem to think it's "rude" to say to a fat person that they look pregnant when it's just an innocent mistake. The person was probably just trying to be nice and congratulate them on what they imagined was their forthcoming child. I happen to think it's far ruder for people to come up to me and comment on my clothes / hair being different from those of mainstream society, and telling me I ought to change them. That happens to me a lot. That is no innocent mistake. THAT is rudeness. Walking up to a fat person and telling them they are fat would be rude, yes. But mistaking their fatness for pregnancy and wanting to congratulate them on it is a wholly different issue.

And what if the OP had been in my situation ?

i lost my baby 3 weeks ago and quite franky Im in no mood to rush to the gym to get rid of the albeit small amount of weight I gained which tipped me from chunky to looking pregnant - should I have to hide away at home because insensitive souls seem to thing its ok to point out something which is none of their damn business,

If you get told someone is expecting by all means congratulate them, if not leave well alone I say !

MarilynMonroe_2

mishkanorman wrote: »

And what if the OP had been in my situation ?

i lost my baby 3 weeks ago and quite franky Im in no mood to rush to the gym to get rid of the albeit small amount of weight I gained which tipped me from chunky to looking pregnant - should I have to hide away at home because insensitive souls seem to thing its ok to point out something which is none of their damn business,

If you get told someone is expecting by all means congratulate them, if not leave well alone I say !

((hugs)) sorry to read that xxx


People are ignorant and rude when it comes down to it, because they don't know the facts, they don't know what's going on with someone so they should keep their comments to themselves becasue they don't know what hurt they can cause in their throwaway comments.

FatVonD

bedpotato wrote: »

I have heard many anecdotes about fat women being mistaken for pregnant women, but have never understood why. Surely there's an obvious difference between the two? Fat people are usually fat all over, whereas pregnant people tend to just have the protruding belly. Also the bellies are different. Pregnancy = a smooth curve. Fat belly = layers of jiggling fat. Fair enough you can't always see the difference through loose clothing.

Tis true, mine's more to do with IBS bloating towards the end of the day though, (too much information :eek: ), I never get offered a seat in the morning, only the evening!

bedpotato_2

mishkanorman wrote: »

And what if the OP had been in my situation ?

i lost my baby 3 weeks ago and quite franky Im in no mood to rush to the gym to get rid of the albeit small amount of weight I gained which tipped me from chunky to looking pregnant - should I have to hide away at home because insensitive souls seem to thing its ok to point out something which is none of their damn business,

If you get told someone is expecting by all means congratulate them, if not leave well alone I say !

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss.

The trouble is that people don't KNOW. People aren't mind readers. They are not being deliberately insensitive. They think they're being friendly and just taking an interest.

Personally, I don't think I have ever congratulated anyone on a pregnancy until after the baby was born. I don't like making personal remarks on somebody's appearance because I know how much I hate people doing it to me, and I guard my privacy fiercely.

If I am ever in the company of a lady who looks pregnant, I never bring up the subject unless she chooses to talk about it herself, because I always imagine that she must be SICK of talking about it and being asked the same things over and over again.

However, there are many people out there who are far more talkative and forthcoming than I am, and so all I was trying to do was point out that they're not necessarily trying to be rude in broaching the subject.

mishkanorman

bedpotato wrote: »

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss.

The trouble is that people don't KNOW. People aren't mind readers. They are not being deliberately insensitive. They think they're being friendly and just taking an interest.

Personally, I don't think I have ever congratulated anyone on a pregnancy until after the baby was born. I don't like making personal remarks on somebody's appearance because I know how much I hate people doing it to me, and I guard my privacy fiercely.

If I am ever in the company of a lady who looks pregnant, I never bring up the subject unless she chooses to talk about it herself, because I always imagine that she must be SICK of talking about it and being asked the same things over and over again.

However, there are many people out there who are far more talkative and forthcoming than I am, and so all I was trying to do was point out that they're not necessarily trying to be rude in broaching the subject.

thanks

I agree to a degree, I often think Its like my children, they dont know social boundaries and will blurt out anything that pops into their heads. Like asking the lollipop man if he was having a baby because he has a fat belly like mummy had HOWEVER I also think that as an adult you should have some concept of whats acceptable and whats not - If its not brought up as part of the conversation why feel the need to expect somebody to talk about a fairly private part of their lives.

as you yourself have said, people arent mind readers and cant possibly know so why feel the need to quiz an almost total stranger on something that is only really a polite passing conversation ? (as the woman did on the op)

QuackQuackOops

The fact remains that the OP says she is "Mortified" that other people think she is pregnant when she is not. If that is the case, that someone is so aghast with such a thing then the only solution is to lose some weight.

Losing a baby, So sorry for you, would not give you the feeling of being "Mortified" is someone commented on you being pregnant. You would be upset, naturally.
People are not mindreaders and we have a duty to take care of ourselves much of the time.

bedpotato_2

mishkanorman wrote: »

thanks

I agree to a degree, I often think Its like my children, they dont know social boundaries and will blurt out anything that pops into their heads. Like asking the lollipop man if he was having a baby because he has a fat belly like mummy had HOWEVER I also think that as an adult you should have some concept of whats acceptable and whats not

Not all adults have the innate ability to say the right thing. I'm autistic, and autistic adults are like children, in the sense that we have no natural social filter and are very direct. I've said the wrong thing so many times and had people hating me and yelling at me when I couldn't for the life of me figure out why, that now I've gone to the other extreme, and in company I tend to clam up in terror that I will inadvertently say the wrong thing.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that people should remember that someone who looks like a normal adult on the outside may well have an invisible disability that affects the way they communicate, or they might be a person who is horrifically shy and in trying to think of something to say, they blurt out the first thing that comes into their head. People should be given the benefit of the doubt before you start accusing them of being deliberately rude. Remember you can't read THEIR minds either!

Also, these things can vary greatly from culture to culture. I remember being in Spain as a teenager, and an old lady meeting me for the first time looked me up and down and announced: "oh, she's a lot fatter than her sister, isn't she?" I was very, very upset and cried for a while afterwards - but that's just the way the older generation are in Spain. They say what they think. She didn't mean it nastily; she was simply making an observation. (My sister is very slim)! So we should also bear in mind that people from different cultures have different ideas of what constitutes good and bad manners.

MarilynMonroe_2

QuackQuackOops wrote: »

The fact remains that the OP says she is "Mortified" that other people think she is pregnant when she is not. If that is the case, that someone is so aghast with such a thing then the only solution is to lose some weight.

.

Are you being serious?
Good god, you sound like my dad and I wont say what everyone thinks of him.

bedpotato_2

MarilynMonroe wrote: »

Are you being serious?
Good god, you sound like my dad and I wont say what everyone thinks of him.

Again, I don't see what's wrong with what QuackQuack has said. If the OP doesn't like being her current weight then doubtless she will take steps to lose some of it. If she doesn't mind and is happy the way she is, then she doesn't need to.

QuackQuack is only stating the obvious.