The Ultimate Hard and Fast debt clearing mission

Cinny91

Sorry for speaking badly about potatoes!! See, I said I would come across grumpy What I should have said was, I feel like Shawn Michaels when he lost his smile.

But thanks everyone I'll be okay in a day or two. Could actually do with some advice really. Or NIM's no nonsense approach to life! (I do love potatoes really!!) Basically, my Mum has given her an ultimatum. Fix the family rift or she'll go to her Dad and show her what it feels like to have your family ripped apart. Obviously, accepting a fake apology on the back of a threat doesn't fill me with a great deal of joy. OH thinks I'm stressing over nothing, as he thinks she'll still refuse to apologise thinking my Mum isn't serious (which she is, I've never seen her so angry over how my Brother and his Girlfriend treated me and Laura this weekend) But, if she does, and I don't accept it. Then it's me that causing rifts, right? I just can't have her in my life, I can't deal with feeling like this constantly again. But how do I get that across, without starting more arguments? Or maybe I should just keep a fish at the ready in the fridge?

Something good came out of this weekend though. She messed up big time, my Sister caught her off guard on Saturday and she went off properly screaming at my Sister. Right in front of my Brother. Ha! Laura said he was just stunned dumb.

Congrats to your SIL, Birdie! Hope everything goes well for them this time

Dinah93

shrimpy_80 wrote: »

What was your dissertation on?

Ahem The first one was about the gendered division of labour and the household economy. Basically who does what in the household, the number of hours labour put in, both paid and unpaid, did a survey of 200 families with school age children. Basically if both men and women work full time women work on average an extra 30ish% of hours as they do more at home. If women work part time and men full time women do around an extra 80% of hours, if women don't work and men work full time women do about an extra 50% of hours. Basically women always tend to do more of the domestic and caring unpaid home duties regardless of hours worked in employment, but the number of hours in paid employment does impact upon just how many more hours they do. It is estimated if women were paid at the average going rate (ie for cleaning, nannying, cooking etc at various rates) for their homemaking they'd be on around £45k a year and be a bigger factor in the UK economy than The City.

The second one was on gendered use of space in the city, both on the local scale (most buildings have been historically designed by men therefore are built to a male scale, door handles higher, following male standards of design and can feel inaccessible to women, and modern buildings may not appreciate women's needs such as pushchair friendly, baby changing facilities etc) and on the city scale (men commonly do more miles than women but over fewer trips ie longer commute but maybe only stop once on the way home for petrol/the gym, whereas women tend to work closer to home but do a lot of trip chaining ie drop the kids at school, go to the supermarket, drop the cat at the vets, pick up a prescription etc etc).

I got a 1st in both, so yes, theoretically I have an extremely good understanding of the value of staying home both in relation to our family and the wider economy.... but that doesn't mean I'm comfortable in practice!

Cinny, if she doesn't mean the apology it's worthless, and I'd just say to your mum that you're not comfortable being in social situations with her, and you apologise for feeling that way but you did your best to make her feel welcome and she has made you miserable in return.

shrimpy_80

Oh Cinny I think it's a very difficult situation. You don't have to accept or reject her apology per se, (assuming she does apologise) could you maybe say that while you appreciate the fact that she has said sorry, as everything has become so heated you still need some time and space away from her and can't just pretend nothing has happened? Then the ball is kind of in her court and if she doesn't accept it, the apology is rendered worthless. At the end of the day this is affecting your health and that has to take priority. I really do feel for you as its such a horrible and difficult situation to be in x

Ruby - I basically saw this and thought "I can do that!" even though I clearly can't!

N.I.M

Cinny91 wrote: »

Sorry for speaking badly about potatoes!! See, I said I would come across grumpy What I should have said was, I feel like Shawn Michaels when he lost his smile.

As the only person here who'll get that I'll reply in kind DAYUM!!!...or are you too young to remember that?

Cinny91 wrote: »

But thanks everyone I'll be okay in a day or two. Could actually do with some advice really. Or NIM's no nonsense approach to life! (I do love potatoes really!!) Basically, my Mum has given her an ultimatum. Fix the family rift or she'll go to her Dad and show her what it feels like to have your family ripped apart. Obviously, accepting a fake apology on the back of a threat doesn't fill me with a great deal of joy. OH thinks I'm stressing over nothing, as he thinks she'll still refuse to apologise thinking my Mum isn't serious (which she is, I've never seen her so angry over how my Brother and his Girlfriend treated me and Laura this weekend) But, if she does, and I don't accept it. Then it's me that causing rifts, right? I just can't have her in my life, I can't deal with feeling like this constantly again. But how do I get that across, without starting more arguments? Or maybe I should just keep a fish at the ready in the fridge?

I'm curious as to what your mum meant re going to her dad?

I'm not going to be completely no nonsense this time Cinny...well I am, just in a slightly less sledge hammer way than usual. See this bit here

Cinny91 wrote: »

Obviously, accepting a fake apology on the back of a threat doesn't fill me with a great deal of joy...if she does, and I don't accept it. Then it's me that causing rifts, right? I just can't have her in my life, I can't deal with feeling like this constantly again. But how do I get that across, without starting more arguments? Or maybe I should just keep a fish at the ready in the fridge?

Say that to your Mum, now she knows what a psycho-wackjob she is I think your perfectly entitled to say that to your Mum and tell her you don't want the girl in your life.

You'll end up at family gatherings together (weddings and such) where you'll need to be civil toward her, but beyond that you wont.

And you never know, she may cop on and genuinely apologise and seek to make it up to you. If she does, and there is a way to do so, let her. You don't need to carry the rage the rest of your life. If she can't then you need to tell her that shes burned too many bridges with you but that for the sake of family peace you'll put the hatchet back in the woodshed at family gatherings.

If she apologises in a fake way tell her to take the apology, shine it up REAL nice, turn it sideways and ... well you know the rest.

Cinny91 wrote: »

Something good came out of this weekend though. She messed up big time, my Sister caught her off guard on Saturday and she went off properly screaming at my Sister. Right in front of my Brother. Ha! Laura said he was just stunned dumb

He's unlikely to care from everything you've said, but either way its a one up for you two.

shrimpy_80

Sorry Dinah, cross-posted with you. Wow! That sounds really interesting and well researched, no wonder you got a 1st! I am impressed! Hope you didn't feel I was lecturing to you earlier, its just something that fascinates me. Everyone seems to have an opinion on mothers working one way or another, and also to be so vocal about it, and I have noticed that a lot of mothers consequently tend to speak defensively about their choice in a way that we don't tend to about our other life choices IYSWIM?

My mum worked full time when I was younger and, to be blunt, I wish she hadn't. I don't resent her for it or anything and I fully understand why she did it, I just wish she hadn't. Conversely one of my exes told me in no uncertain terms that if we ever had kids I would have to give up work and stay at home, which of course made me think "No way Pedro!" On balance now I would love to be a SAHM but am quite aware that my opinion may change again when the time comes.

shrimpy_80

N.I.M wrote: »

you never know, she may cop on and genuinely apologise and seek to make it up to you. If she does, and there is a way to do so, let her. You don't need to carry the rage the rest of your life. If she can't then you need to tell her that shes burned too many bridges with you but that for the sake of family peace you'll put the hatchet back in the woodshed at family gatherings.

^This

N.I.M wrote: »

If she apologises in a fake way tell her to take the apology, shine it up REAL nice, turn it sideways and ... well you know the rest.

^ But also this!

N.I.M

Feel, I do, like Yoda, because good advice give do I

ruby_eskimo

shrimpy_80 wrote: »

Ruby - I basically saw this and thought "I can do that!" even though I clearly can't!

But I think you can, you just need some fake English Roses, feathers and a few antique looking buttons and you're away!

I really don't know what to suggest Cinny, it's such a complicated situation. Just hope you can focus on you and your health.

My mum stayed at home with me till I went to playschool (about 4), when she got a job in a school. That way she had all the school holidays off as well so my parents didn't have to worry about childcare etc. My dad did lose his job during the time she wasn't working and it did make things really difficult for a couple of years, but we managed. I liked having my mum at home with me, but it made sense for my parents because they didn't have any other family they could share the childcare with. The same is true for me and OH, we live well away from everyone else and there is no way we could survive on just his salary and whatever pitiful excuse for maternity pay I would get. It's one of the reasons that's putting me off having kids to be honest.

wendz86

My mum stayed at home with me and my sister and apparently they struggled with money to the point where my mum would cut off the feet on babygrows when we got too big for them lol. Do i remember not having a lot of money no, do i remember doing fun things with my mum yes. I think whatever you do as a mum you feel guilty. I work 4 days so almost full time but to be honest if i didn't like my job i'm not sure i could do it.

That is really interesting what you found out doing your dissertation. We had training recently at work for mums and people going on matenity leave and was really interesting how they said people who work part time eg mums tend to work a lot harder in the hours they work. In my recent appraisal at work i got significantly above target for productivity which i think is down to guilt that i have to leave on time and only work 4 days a week.

Cinny - sorry to hear you are feeling down . I don't think you should accept the apology unless it is sincere.

Dinah93

shrimpy_80 wrote: »

Sorry Dinah, cross-posted with you. Wow! That sounds really interesting and well researched, no wonder you got a 1st! I am impressed! Hope you didn't feel I was lecturing to you earlier, its just something that fascinates me. Everyone seems to have an opinion on mothers working one way or another, and also to be so vocal about it, and I have noticed that a lot of mothers consequently tend to speak defensively about their choice in a way that we don't tend to about our other life choices IYSWIM?

My mum worked full time when I was younger and, to be blunt, I wish she hadn't. I don't resent her for it or anything and I fully understand why she did it, I just wish she hadn't. Conversely one of my exes told me in no uncertain terms that if we ever had kids I would have to give up work and stay at home, which of course made me think "No way Pedro!" On balance now I would love to be a SAHM but am quite aware that my opinion may change again when the time comes.

Ofc I didn't think you were lecturing, fun debate. I do think Grace would benefit socially from having a parent at home, not just healthwise. I don't think there is anything to be prouder of in this world than saying you've raised your own kids.

Anyone want some actual money news? From some money we've saved up over the last few weeks we put a payment through on Sunday to pay off NIMs credit card. This means we only have my massive credit card and the car loan left. If we can make and save another £500 or so over the next month then when I get my inheritance through from grandad (£4000 is coming) we can pay off the £5300 left on the car loan (which I've been underestimating the balance of by about £600 the whole time we've been debt clearing). This will mean we only have the one £8500ish cc left, it'll feel good to be on the home straight with only one payment and one balance to worry about.

In other news I've just gone out to the freezer to get something for dinner and found the whole thing completely defrosted. It must have happened a few days ago. I'm not sure if all power to the garage is off, or the freezer has stopped working. If it's the freezer a good guess would be because it's sat beside a window where a pane has been replaced with bubble wrap and water has gotten into it. I'm gutted, we'd stockpiled loads of meat in there to see us through maternity leave, there must be £300+ of food ruined.