No More! debtfree2015's diary

debtfree2015_2

Well.... lots of thinking over the past week

I had a thought, I could apply for term time shifts, they are hard to come across, but if I do manage to get one before dd starts school, it would be so good knowing I was ready for it all, again it could work around my self employment. I hear from so many parents how awkward childcare is once children hit over 8, as not many childminders look after older children, so term time would be ideal. I know a few adventure parks do term time only work, but they are just from march to october so not sure how that would work with tax credits when Im not getting paid for 5 months a year! I could look into it in the short term, just for the sake of earning some money & getting some references again.

The car I paid a deposit on, died thankfully it was the day before I was due to collect it, when the garage were starting it up in the morning to warm the cars the cambelt snapped, damaged the engine. They said they had put my deposit back, so expecting that next week in my bank, only £200 but thats just under half my budget so I kind of need it now! Got to start the search again, feel down in the dumps about that but kind of relieved - if it had happened next week that would be money down the drain! Its a blessing in disguise :A

The disheartening thing is Ive now officially missed all my payments, feeling quite low about that. Letters are coming in thick and fast, had a fair few calls too which is making me a bit jumpy.

Part of me, I say this guiltily (if thats even a word) is excited however at my course starting soon & the prospect of having a car again! Not that Il have money to go out all over the place, but I can at least venture to different sure start centres for dd (the one here has closed), or take her swiming & take advantage of the beautiful parks in the surrounding towns etc.

The guilty part of me knows this will only be possible because Ive stopped paying, but the other side of me see's my daughters face when crumple when we cant go swimming, or to a friends house for lunch, or soft play with her friends, or to a different park because I havent got the bus fare. THe past few months made me realise, my pride in trying to stride on, its my daughter that has missed out & suffered. I may have protected her from a monster, but not from the effects of running from him. Ie running trippled my debt, which means we practically lived like hermits for 18 months... she is 3, thats half her life!

I know my rating will be out the window for a long long time, and I may never ever buy a house, but for now, we can live!

Wow, Ive rambled on tonight, I was flitting between jobsites whilst typing so its taken hours to get it all down.
I needed to get it down though. I have found when I feel like Im going to weaken, I read the diary from the start, see how hard its been and it pushes me to just hold on a little longer!

debtfree2015_2

Getting a little annoyed now, my deposit from the dead car should have been into my ac fri. Then it was going to be yesterday, nothing. I called today & it was going to be today....its still not there :mad:

Other than that had a productive day today. Visited the local nursery, so have one in mind for when I find a job. £60 a day:eek: thank goodness for working tax credits when I find something. My old nursery was £38 a day I thought that was expensive!

Started doing a proper clear out of my bedroom, 1 black sackful & Im not finished yet! Loads of clothes to take to charity shop. DD's room was done over the weekend. Next room for a proper clear out ie throwing bits out is the kitchen. Think Il change the cupboards around too.

NSD today, as no money! Thats a good thing though as I dont need anything.

We had spag bol for dinner, I still use an anabelle karmel recipe even though dd is clearly not a baby anymore, as its just divine. Im sure its the carrots and chicken stock that make the difference, just not things I would have thought of adding to a bologneise sauce! Its lovely.
Im doing a leek & potato soup tomorrow, trying jamie olivers version, looking forward to it!

Not much else to report for today!

debtfree2015_2

my rating is officially marked all late payments registered & fees added.

I knew it was going to happen, thought I was ok about it, well not ok, but that I had prepared myself.

Sounds crazy, but its the last part of my life that Id managed to keep from drowning.

At the same time, theres a tiny tiny bit of relief as the sooner its done the sooner I can start trying to make things better, theres nothing left to be destroyed!

Im hoping next week is the week I can progress it all, well Im desperate for it to be next week, as I still need to do the court thing which may take another week, as its not done same day just left for the judge to consider.
My course after that & I need to be mentally enforme. I can't be starting stressing at Il come across terribly, and first impressions are lasting!

Interestingly enough, I was told by my cousin that March for me this year in numerology is number 1 - which is all about starting afresh, new beginings, anything new - it looks like financially itl be done end of this month & new course starting in March which means Im pretty acurate with how it reads!

It reads for february
'' It brings a number of changes, most of them occurring inside of you. You awaken to new feelings about work, your house and the people around you. It is a time to re-evaluate the choices and decisions you have made over the past several years. You now gain clarity and understand your motivations and needs better. You may move forward with some practical changes as a result of this, and even distance yourself from outdated habits or relationships. There may be some emotional turmoil connected to this, but the feeling of relief is more prominent. This is a tricky time in all areas of relationships. Your irritation threshold is lower than usual. Irrational demands and a lack of patience from your side may bring on feelings of guilt, and you will probably find yourself apologizing more than once.
You have strong idealistic, humanitarian, and spiritual feelings now, and may want to become more involved in some practical endeavors concerning one or more of these areas of life. However, you will probably postpone any active involvement for the time being, because you feel the time is not right.
Most important this month is your enhanced clarity in all matters concerning your life and the direction it is taking. It is time to reassess your values and priorities -- the influence of this month will be felt for a long time to come. The practical aspects of career, business, relationships, and romance are all on the back burner now, but the inner changes that take place represent a much larger step forward than you will probably realize at this time.

The bold underlined bits describe february for me down to the letter.

Anyway enough rambling, more clearing /sorting awaits me!

MuffinTops

Wow. So much to catch up on with you, but you definitely sound like you're moving in the right direction. I personally don't see any part of your life as drowning, more that you're swimming against the tide which is difficult, but you'll eventually find your stride and it'll be plain sailing. You're just going through that transition process of accepting certain things and repairing them. In many terms things get a little worse before they're able to get better, and that's what I think you're doing right now.

Training in hairdressing sounds like a fantastic idea as that really is something you can do mobile, in a salon or from home. Do you have a spare room you can turn into a mini salon? A friend of mine does that and she has a large desk diary and just takes bookings as and when it suits her. So doing that now while your little one is 3 should have you with a decent book of clients so that when she is 8 you won't need to leave the house to work. What a great idea.

Retail does have the benefit of working around you. It's hard work for the money I think, but then again, what isn't? If it keeps you interested then all the better.

I really hope you're managing to stay calm and see the good you're doing both yourself and your daughter. It takes a lot of courage and strength to be you at the moment and you live up to that perfectly. x

debtfree2015_2

Thanks Muffin, thats what Ive been telling myself this week, re worse before better, the sooner its done the sooner I can start again.

Re hairdressing, yes Ive always wanted to go back to it. I started it when I was younger, got pulled into office which was my side job purely as the money was better.
Initially I will work mobile, though it may take me a while to get to that point, as they have changed the qualifications so I wont be as advanced as I would have been on the old NVQ so might mean some additional courses needed. I knew someone who had her spare room changed to become her mini salon, she built up most of her clients, then as she started having children they came more and more to her so she changed the room couple of sinks, mirrors it looked really nice. She was always booked up too, fingers crossed it works out. Ive always felt pulled back to it, just always been bad timing, no money etc.

Workwise, Ive decided to get started on the course first, then when Im half way through if I am on target Il start looking for work (unless something Ive already applied for recently comes back as successful.) In the meantime though I will see if I can volunteer a couple of mornings somewhere, get my confidence back up and some recent references.

debtfree2015_2

Better day today, woke up in a good mood always helps!

I done the soup today instead of yesterday, pleasantly surprised it was easy peasy and really nice, even dd was impressed, also enough left for lunch tomorrow. We had it for dinner, it was really filling!

NSD today.
This week hasnt dragged as much as I thought it would, we have kept very busy though the place is spotless!

Still looking forward to monday when half term ends though, dd too has asked every morning, is it nursery today!

debtfree2015_2

Its going to be a quiet weekend now.
Its been a very hsd, replaced the car!!!! I got a shock at the petrol pump 1.46 per ltr!!!!! I remember the uproar when it passed £1, then it was fluctuating between 90p-1.09. I only had £20 on me so didnt fill up very much!
I was very very nervous, but overall I love her. Its a shock to the system reverting back to an old car, but the previous owner has really looked after her, so internally apart from the design & little extra's she looked like new. She wasnt as quiet as my old car, Im guessing thats an age thing.
My reversing was horrific, no one was around as this was reversing into my parking space, but I actually blushed it was that bad! Also had a car up my bum most of the way home, but I refused to go out of my comfort zone - which was the speed limit anyway, Im not one to take chances, but I was shocked at him, especially in country lanes, what was he thinking!
DD was/is super happy, she keeps asking to go out in it, but Im still shaken up from today, so thats enough for now. We live in a close, but exit out onto a busy road so its too busy for my liking whilst Im still nervous. The car seat & pram are in their rightful place no longer blocking up my hallway woohoo!

The only other big expense for now is my kit for college!

Need to get the courage to test out the routes to college one day this week, I no longer have satnav so going to have to write some instructions & hope for the best! I dont think Id be so nervous if I was in my old area, as I knew the roads so well, just getting used to car & new area together, double the pressure.

It was a blessing in disguise that the other car died prior to collection, this is a different brand but same style, same year, same price & is alot better (touch wood) than the other one.
I just hope it lasts without needed too much work as not much space in budget for upkeep. For peace of mind Il look to get the cambelt done on it soon, though it will take me months to get the money together! I do have a friend who is a mechanic, who could probably do it at half the price but Im not sure Id be brave enough to drive there, he is 3 hours away. Wasnt an issue in my old car, and it might be ok in this one, but I dont feel ready yet!

Anyway thats my ramble for today, going to try & shift this headache, too much excitement for one day!

MuffinTops

That's fantastic news. Congratulations on your new car.

I find that driving down little dark country lanes seems to make some drivers act like nutters. When I get that I just tap my brakes very very lightly (just to make the brake lights go on, not to actually brake) and people tend to hold back a fair bit, even if it's just because you're being unpredictable. Always works for me.

It's not surprising you feel a little nervous about driving again. Anything is worrying after a break and I'm sure you'll be back into it in no time.

I'm so pleased you've got that sorted. Wooh! :j

debtfree2015_2

Thanks Muffin, Im super happy! :j

Good suggestion re tapping the brakes, Il try that in future, we are surrounded by country lanes so Il have to get used to them!

debtfree2015_2

Well...its done...well applied for that is.

I should find out tomorrow, or the day after whether or not its been approved!

Im nervous but strangely calm. I keep thinking what if it isnt, but realistically its out of my hands now! Just hoping for the best!