what are the best value dating sites?

VestanPance

I'd avoid joining clubs only to meet single women. Find a passion for a hobby. Spend the time doing things that you find interesting and constructive and if you meet someone you meet someone. If you join just to meet someone you come away with a feeling that joining was a waste of time.

Although if you want to meet women I'd suggest Zumba. Every woman on the planet seems to do Zumba. Joining that though they may assume you bat for the other team!!

I'm single these days, although unlike yourself I plan to stay that way. Life can feel empty when you have nobody to share those moments with, but I find I'm better now that I have a few hobbies that have me focused on other things and that I get a sense of achievement from. I feel all the better and happier for it.

mackemdave

Scotty1.7 wrote: »

I'm sorry for the rant and the general negative vide from the last couple of posts- I just feel like the first guy that VP mentioned.

I take the time to really read someone's profile, I ask them questions about it, I'm just myself and I get nothing.

Dont take it to heart mate....Its not you it happens to us all and yes dating sites can be soul destroying when things like that happen...Just think of it as their loss by not replying to you.The problem is that the female members receive lots more messages than male members...a lot of them are from overseas,from youngsters looking for a Mrs Robinson and also from married men looking for a leg over so a let of their messages are deleted without being read

Stay positive mate

There_Goes_Trouble

There's a lot that can go wrong using these sites, mainly I suspect from high expectations not being met.

Scotty1.7 wrote: »

And I made the mistake of counting up all of the messages I've sent against all of the replies I have recived

Sent across all sites- 1238

Recived across all sites- 13 (From people who I've actually met and not from here- O)

My opinion, I think that in order to be sending that many messages you must be sending to a lot of people who don't actually match with you very well. Just my thoughts though. I think I've sent 2 messages in the last month, both had a lot in common with me, neither replied. Month before I sent one message, he did reply but didn't work out.

VestanPance wrote: »

One of those lads it completely destroyed his self esteem. He lost all his confidence, due to what you describe lots of messages sent taking the time to read the profiles and do all the things that are suggested but getting nowhere with it. You could see it in him after a couple of months it was getting him down.

This I think is where the high expectations come in. I think because internet dating is seen as a 'last resort' people think it 'has' to work, when in reality it has no more or less chance than anything else. It is simply a different way to meet people, not a guarantee of finding a 'soul mate'. It's not like shopping where you're going to find what you're looking for waiting for you...

VestanPance wrote: »

Online it becomes a sales pitch to get the initial meeting, at which point depending on how they have sold themselves the illusion may be shattered very quickly.

..so despite what i just said I agree with this! My profile is a sales pitch and I am my product. I look at my profile and think 'would I reply to me?' and I try and focus on the things people might find appealing about me. I am honest, have got decent photographs some of which I took especially, (not blurred phone shots held at arms length or group pictures when you can't tell which one is me!) some head shots and a full length one, people really do place a high value on how you look and I don't want to deceive anyone. I also keep my comments about myself positive, so I used to say "I play badminton but I'm not very good at it" now I say "I like badminton and play twice a week". No one needs to know at this stage if I'm any good or not!

coin_operated_girl wrote: »

There was two guys who seemed quite interested in me, seemed to have shared interests/values etc and we exchanged quite a few messages. Then both of them suddenly stopped talking to me. No idea why. In the last message I received from both of them they asked some general questions (do I have any siblings, what my favourite food is etc) so its not like they even hinted that they weren't interested, I mean why ask questions about me if they aren't going to bother replying? For whatever reason they have decided that I'm not for them. I think the key is to try and not take it personally.

I've had this happen too, you can't do anything about it and it did get me down a bit initially, but then I thought that if he's the type of person who would do that then he's not for me and I had a lucky escape! It wouldn't have hurt him to send a quick message explaining, but I think that's just not how boys approach this kind of thing. Coin Op Girl is right. Don't take it personally, pick yourself up and move on...

Coin Op Girl I think you are also right in that you do have to have 'criterea' (I use the term losely) especially if you get a lot of messages, I don't think that's shallow. I don't get many messages but I still filter them, for example I can't see me getting on with someone whose idea of the perfect night in is 'cuddling on the sofa with a DVD and bottle of wine' because I hate sitting in watching TV, I do sport every night at the moment! And while I'm prepared to compromise on some things, if a bloke lists his hobbies as 'watching TV, xbox, pubbing/clubbing and drinking with mates' then what the heck would we ever talk about since I don't like any of those things! I do try and reply to all messages where someone has put effort in though, even if it's a thanks but no thinks kind of message. I get far less messages than you though so it's manageable. It does seem to be appreciated though as most message back thanking me for at least replying!

SailorSam wrote: »

I've just been reading a womens profile on PoF, she'd written.
"If i write to you and i'm not your type, just write back and say thanks-but-no-thanks"
She then went onto say,
"If you write to me and i don't write back, you'll know i'm not interested"

Is it just me, or is that double standards expecting replies without having the courtesy to write one herself.

Totally double standards! What a cheek!!

Scotty1.7 wrote: »

I just feel really well lonely, I have friends and I go out a far bit now, but I don't have the person to share stuff with- shopping trips, walks, quiet moments on the sofa, sit out on the hills near here and watch the stars.

And yeah I do want a family, and all of that.

I have totally been where you are Scotty, and if I'm honest I still have days like it. But you can't spend your life being so focussed on what is missing in your life. You have to shift your focus to the good things - yes you do have some, just go look for them they are there! I made a concious decision to stay positive and I remind myself regularly of all the good things I have got, because if I never meet someone, I don't want to have wasted my life being depressed. That won't change anything. I decided to get out and enjoy my life as it is and if I meet someone then great, but if I get to my death bed and didn't meet anyone, well life was still good. It's a tough mental shift to make but I was heading down the road of depression 5 years ago and it wasn't nice. It's not easy and it still takes a large amount of mental will power to maintain the positive outlook, but it's worth it.

VestanPance wrote: »

I'd avoid joining clubs only to meet single women. Find a passion for a hobby. Spend the time doing things that you find interesting and constructive and if you meet someone you meet someone. If you join just to meet someone you come away with a feeling that joining was a waste of time.

Absolutely agree, I have done this in the past and it's a constant disappointment. You just end up feeling let down and like you wasted your money joining. Nowadays I do the activites I like, because I want to. I haven't met anyone special but I am having a good time with my life!

VestanPance wrote: »

Although if you want to meet women I'd suggest Zumba. Every woman on the planet seems to do Zumba. Joining that though they may assume you bat for the other team!!

It's a good idea and I personally wouldn't assume someone's gay, just that they want to get fitter!

VestanPance wrote: »

I'm single these days, although unlike yourself I plan to stay that way. Life can feel empty when you have nobody to share those moments with, but I find I'm better now that I have a few hobbies that have me focused on other things and that I get a sense of achievement from. I feel all the better and happier for it.

Totally agree with the hobbies bit, it's been brilliant for me. I'm not planning to stay single though, I've just stopped trying to plan anything regarding that because it's outside of my control. If it does it does, if it doesn't it doesn't. I can't say I'm not bothered because I am, but I don't allow it to be all consuming anymore.

There_Goes_Trouble

JennyP wrote: »

I promised to come back and update you on my dates....so here I am.

First date last night off the internet - well, first date in a couple of years as I did it before my last relationship!

Anyway, I knew from the minute I clapped eyes on him that the bloke was not for me.

I stayed and had a drink (which I had to pay for - apparently he'd left his wallet in the car! Hope he's not on this forum -that'd be embarrassing!) Anyway, during the very boring conversation, I went to the loo and checked my phone and I'd had a text off the guy I should've been meeting on sunday saying he'd met someone so was cancelling on me. We had only fixed our date 48 hours before but I guessed this is the way it goes.

Felt a bit despondent but then have had nice texts today off next Wednesday's dates and have got talking to a couple more men online so fingers crossed.

Full story of last night and my theories on it are on my blog if anyone's interested. I think you can see the URL if you click on my username but if not PM me and I'll give it to you! Hope I'm not breaking rules of forum by putting that but I'm not making money off the blog - it's just for fun!

Sorry to hear Scotty sounding so fed up with things....that's exactly how I felt last night, I must admit!

thanks for the update, sorry it didn't go to plan! I'd have said "I'll find a table while you go get your wallet from the car".... well actually no I probably wouldn't but I'd have been thinking it!!

I hope the next date is better!

Lotus-eater

Scotty1.7 wrote: »

I'm in god knows how many clubs, and its great for meeting married women.

The odd single one that does join does one or 2 meetings and disappears

Your right, and right know I may be smiling out side but I'm just a empty shell inside.

Ahh mate...... my OH always says you have to love yourself before you can love someone else.
If you don't love yourself, what do you want to change? you have to want to change it, not just because you think it will help you get your leg over.
And when you are happy with yourself, you will naturally attract someone, the trouble with internet dating is that it's very vision based, ie you see the person and decide on that whether you are interested or not.
In real life, I've seen lots of women that I don't fancy at all, yet talking to them for a while completely changes that round, that wouldn't happen on the net.

I'm quite jealous really, I wish I was in the excited position of not knowing what may happen and for that chance of meeting someone new. It's like fishing, you can get all despondent and sit there for ages, doing everything right for ages, but not get a bite, then suddenly you only need one to get the catch of a lifetime.

Keep at it.

newcook

JennaP – sorry to hear it didn’t go too well, his loss though! What a bad first impression to give you though by leaving his wallet in the car so you would get the drinks!

I’ve got mine tonight – fingers crossed everyone!!!!!


Scotty – is it just POF that you are on?! Have you tried smooch or oasis? They are also free but don’t seem to be as bad/full of players as POF
What I would say though with POF is don’t go on it every day – I used to have a look everyday and it was always the same old faces on it 24/7 which just gives the impression (to me) that they are rather desperate or messaging everyone (which in my eyes means they aren’t too picky!). or use the advanced search tool so you can get someone more matched to you – when I did this it went from 200+pages to just 15.

mackemdave

I did the dating sites for a few years an for newbies it can be very emotional and at time hurtful and soul destroying.You begin thinking why the hell am I putting myself through this

I had the none reply of messages,the "unread deleted" ones,the exchange of emails then suddenly no repl,the cancelling of dates at short notice and even being stood up....and its bloody horrible you start blaming yourself everytime

In reality if you are going to use internet dating you are going to have to get used to these things....they happen to everyone its the way of life

Try not to look on first meetings as dates......its a meeting of possibly a new friend...Youve got to start by being friends before anything else can happen.If the first meet doesnt work out,what have you lost...maybe a couple of hours out of your life and a couple of pounds poorer which isnt that bad is it...Dont have preconceived ideas on how things are going to turn out because 99% of the times your ideas are going to be wrong......You can make internet dating fun and a way of getting out of the house....your future partner isnt going to come knocking at your door.

I had a lovely 18mth relationship with someone I met from POF,I had some of the best times in a long time but consiquences led to us splitting...So it can work but dont let Internet dating take over your life you need other avenues of meeting people and socialising

JennyP

There_Goes_Trouble wrote: »

thanks for the update, sorry it didn't go to plan! I'd have said "I'll find a table while you go get your wallet from the car".... well actually no I probably wouldn't but I'd have been thinking it!!

I hope the next date is better!

Thank you!

I SO wish I had the nerve to say that but I wouldn't have dared to - I think it would make ME look mean whereas I think he probably was.

My best friends both think it was a ruse because he was tight!

Anyway, I think it's really interesting that this thread started with us wondering which were the best value sites i.e. we were thinking in monetary terms and now we are baring our souls and sharing our emotions.

Especially Scotty! I was interesting to read you saying you feel lonely. It's SO difficult to admit to loneliness - it has a real stigma in today's society. I'm actually writing a book about loneliness (though the publisher has pulled the plug so I'm back to square one!) and I find it really difficult to tell people what my book is about.

Lotus-eater wrote: »

my OH always says you have to love yourself before you can love someone else.
If you don't love yourself, what do you want to change? you have to want to change it, not just because you think it will help you get your leg over.
And when you are happy with yourself, you will naturally attract someone, the trouble with internet dating is that it's very vision based, ie you see the person and decide on that whether you are interested or not.
In real life, I've seen lots of women that I don't fancy at all, yet talking to them for a while completely changes that round, that wouldn't happen on the net.

Loving yourself is easier said than done though! Have read that advice many times and I think it's very, very true (and I'm glad you've brought it up Lotus Eater because I'm sure it's an issue for me!) but if I read one more book on self-esteem telling me to go and have a nice bath and treat myself to bubble bath or buy flowers for myself.....well, those books should all be burnt!

I was on a retreat recently and there was a session on self-esteem and I thought great. But the session turned out to be a crap little exercise where you wrote down the names of ten people who know you in various ways e.g. your best mate, two family members, a colleague, the postman and then you write "thinks I am..." and then a nice thing that each of those people would say about you. Then you fold the page so you just have ten sentences that say "I am a great daughter and I always do my mum's decorating without moaning" and "I am fun to be with" and "I am polite - I always say thank you when my parcels are delivered". Honestly! How was that supposed to help with anything?!!!

pea-benn

I do feel for you Scotty. Having sent that number of messages, it must be pretty frustrating. I can't comment on your profile as I'm not a member of PoF but I do think internet dating works for some and not for others. I refuse to get emotionally attached to any part of it that is purely online. It's only after meeting someone that it becomes real for me.

I generally don't reply to messages from people who I'm not interested in. Is this rude? I don't expect and, in fact, prefer not to get a thanks but no thanks email. I just accept that I'm not what they're looking for.

Match.com has always worked for me but fancied a change so decided to switch to Lovestruck.com as I thought this would be a good one for London. I've written quite a few messages but hardly any of them have been read. OK, it could be me but my conclusion is that hardly anyone has actually paid up so can't read the messages. I think this is one area that the sites could be a bit more open about - ie show you who can read messages so you don't waste time on them!

Don't give up hope Scotty. We all have moments when we're fed up of being single and it seems the whole world is coupled up. The reality is that there are probably just as many unhappy people in relationships!

JennyP

pea-benn wrote: »

I've written quite a few messages but hardly any of them have been read. OK, it could be me but my conclusion is that hardly anyone has actually paid up so can't read the messages. I think this is one area that the sites could be a bit more open about - ie show you who can read messages so you don't waste time on them!

I second that!

You and Yours had a feature on internet dating a year or two ago and I was rather surprised that they didn't mention the fact that you can't tell who is a paid up member and who has either never been a proper member or has lapsed years ago! It sometimes feels like a bit of a con when you join - the fact that you think there are loads of eligible people in your area but actually lots of them might not be proper members.

I found that on Christian Connections - it looked like there were loads of people but actually lots of them didn't seem to be full members. A bit of a scam really.

I wish there was a site where you could only be a paid member and where you couldn't post a profile unless you paid. They could let you browse profiles before you joined so you could see if it was worth joining... One where it was easy to leave or suspend your membership if you found someone. It's frustrating when men leave their profiles up when they're already dating!

As usual, I am wishing I had the guts to start a site like that!