what are the best value dating sites?

VestanPance

I've never done it but you sound like you need a break from it.

I've had an interest in online dating, partly as an Computing guy who thinks the sites are a lesson on how not to design user interfaces. They're designed to benefit sales, not the user experience. Partly as I know a couple of lads that did use it and found their stories interesting.

One of those lads it completely destroyed his self esteem. He lost all his confidence, due to what you describe lots of messages sent taking the time to read the profiles and do all the things that are suggested but getting nowhere with it. You could see it in him after a couple of months it was getting him down.

The other lad started off that way, then switched to his "wacky" personality which seemed to work and he got a fair few dates. His reasoning was sound. Men outnumber women on these sites on average by five to one. Men send more messages, many women still see it as traditional that the man should contact first. A guy will get few messages, but many women on these sites will be getting multiple messages a day from numerous users. Now many of them may be junk 'fancy a shag' type messages. Unwanted makes them wary about all users. Once they filter those out you have 'good looking' maybe worth replying to, 'funny' may be worth replying to and most of the rest get filtered under 'boring I've been asked that a million times already today'.

Online dating differs in that you miss one key aspect and gain another. In life the way someone is in person can provide that interest you even if you can't put your finger on why. Online it becomes a sales pitch to get the initial meeting, at which point depending on how they have sold themselves the illusion may be shattered very quickly.

coin_operated_girl

I know what you mean Scotty. There was two guys who seemed quite interested in me, seemed to have shared interests/values etc and we exchanged quite a few messages. Then both of them suddenly stopped talking to me. No idea why. In the last message I received from both of them they asked some general questions (do I have any siblings, what my favourite food is etc) so its not like they even hinted that they weren't interested, I mean why ask questions about me if they aren't going to bother replying? For whatever reason they have decided that I'm not for them. I think the key is to try and not take it personally. I've only been on POF for a short amount of time so perhaps I have a naive optimism which will soon fade, but I think that dating sites can be a great way to meet people, so long as its not your only way of meeting people.

Being female and of a similar age to you (I looked at your profile the other day), I can tell you that us girls who are probably in the age bracket that you are messaging get a LOT of messages, every day. I'm guilty of not replying to all my messages. I just don't have the time. In fact I don't reply to most of them (I try and make the effort when I can see the guy has made the effort to message me though). I always look at the persons profile but I have quite a strict criteria for who I would consider replying to. For example, if a guy puts that they are 'undecided/open' about having children I rarely reply. It may sound stupid but I know that I definitely want children in the future. I don't really think having children is something you can be 'open' about, either you want them or you and I don't really want to waste my time being with someone who is 'undecided' about having children in case they decide they don't want them. It probably makes me sound baby crazy (I'm not, honestly), but its just a method I use to filter out who to reply to, so chances are other people have equally fairly trivial ways of filtering people out too. Travelling is another one. I'm not that keen on travelling and its not easy for me due to a health condition and lack of money so if someone says they love travelling and go every year then I probably won't reply either, its just not something I'm interested in (god, I sound so shallow, I just don't have time to respond to all the messages). Sorry I'm rambling...what I'm trying to get at is try not to take it to heart if people don't reply, its probably not a reflection on what you have written or the way you look.

JennyP

I promised to come back and update you on my dates....so here I am.

First date last night off the internet - well, first date in a couple of years as I did it before my last relationship!

Anyway, I knew from the minute I clapped eyes on him that the bloke was not for me.

I stayed and had a drink (which I had to pay for - apparently he'd left his wallet in the car! Hope he's not on this forum -that'd be embarrassing!) Anyway, during the very boring conversation, I went to the loo and checked my phone and I'd had a text off the guy I should've been meeting on sunday saying he'd met someone so was cancelling on me. We had only fixed our date 48 hours before but I guessed this is the way it goes.

Felt a bit despondent but then have had nice texts today off next Wednesday's dates and have got talking to a couple more men online so fingers crossed.

Full story of last night and my theories on it are on my blog if anyone's interested. I think you can see the URL if you click on my username but if not PM me and I'll give it to you! Hope I'm not breaking rules of forum by putting that but I'm not making money off the blog - it's just for fun!

Sorry to hear Scotty sounding so fed up with things....that's exactly how I felt last night, I must admit!

VestanPance

coin_operated_girl wrote: »

Being female and of a similar age to you (I looked at your profile the other day), I can tell you that us girls who are probably in the age bracket that you are messaging get a LOT of messages, every day. I'm guilty of not replying to all my messages. I just don't have the time. In fact I don't reply to most of them (I try and make the effort when I can see the guy has made the effort to message me though). I always look at the persons profile but I have quite a strict criteria for who I would consider replying to. For example, if a guy puts that they are 'undecided/open' about having children I rarely reply. It may sound stupid but I know that I definitely want children in the future. I don't really think having children is something you can be 'open' about, either you want them or you and I don't really want to waste my time being with someone who is 'undecided' about having children in case they decide they don't want them. It probably makes me sound baby crazy (I'm not, honestly), but its just a method I use to filter out who to reply to, so chances are other people have equally fairly trivial ways of filtering people out too.

This actually reminds me of a funny story one of the lads I know told me about. He got an abusive message from a "lady" on PoF because he had 'Yes' for wanting to have children. The reason for the abuse? No guy has the right to demand women give him kids. :rotfl:

Scotty1.7

I'm sorry for the rant and the general negative vide from the last couple of posts- I just feel like the first guy that VP mentioned.

I take the time to really read someone's profile, I ask them questions about it, I'm just myself and I get nothing.

SailorSam

I've just been reading a womens profile on PoF, she'd written.
"If i write to you and i'm not your type, just write back and say thanks-but-no-thanks"
She then went onto say,
"If you write to me and i don't write back, you'll know i'm not interested"

Is it just me, or is that double standards expecting replies without having the courtesy to write one herself.

VestanPance

Scotty1.7 wrote: »

I'm sorry for the rant and the general negative vide from the last couple of posts- I just feel like the first guy that VP mentioned.

I take the time to really read someone's profile, I ask them questions about it, I'm just myself and I get nothing.

Don't feel you need to answer this but do you spend a lot of time of the sites looking for someone?

I may be reading it wrong, but you come across as being very keen on having a relationship rather than say just meeting someone and seeing what it leads too. Nothing wrong with that at all. Maybe that urge along with the lack of replies is eating away at you. Even more so if your investing a lot of time and effort to it.

Why not take a break from it for a few weeks. Give yourself some time away from it. Return to it when you feel a bit better.

Scotty1.7

VestanPance wrote: »

Don't feel you need to answer this but do you spend a lot of time of the sites looking for someone?

I may be reading it wrong, but you come across as being very keen on having a relationship rather than say just meeting someone and seeing what it leads too. Nothing wrong with that at all. Maybe that urge along with the lack of replies is eating away at you. Even more so if your investing a lot of time and effort to it.

Why not take a break from it for a few weeks. Give yourself some time away from it. Return to it when you feel a bit better.

I do look at it alot

And yes I would love to just meet somone and see were it leads, but I want it to happen as well.

I laid off it for 6 months and went back and it just seemed the same.

I just feel really well lonely, I have friends and I go out a far bit now, but I don't have the person to share stuff with- shopping trips, walks, quiet moments on the sofa, sit out on the hills near here and watch the stars.

And yeah I do want a family, and all of that.

VestanPance

Scott, nothing wrong with wanting any of that stuff and I wish you all the best in finding it.

I will say this as the male of the species I think we need to be productive in our time. If you spend a lot of time and invest it in something that isn't returning anything we tend to get down and frustrated. If you've invested a lot of time and effort with no reward it only seems natural that you'll be feeling low.

Do you have any hobbies that you could try to get out and meet people, maybe as friends maybe as something more. Something like trying some sort of dancing, or a photography course, cooking course, book club! Maybe you'd fair better in a less pressured environment where you could just be yourself.

Scotty1.7

I'm in god knows how many clubs, and its great for meeting married women.

The odd single one that does join does one or 2 meetings and disappears

Your right, and right know I may be smiling out side but I'm just a empty shell inside.