Mr right turning in to mr wrong :-(

pebbles88

I'm not sure what you are wanting to hear from this thread, but I can't really work out what the exact problem is as your descriptions & answers are quite vague?? And don't really go into any detail.

Have you sat downtogether and actually talked over any of these issues?

Kay_Peel

I can see what the OP is driving at. It's about

- the choices he makes
- the fact that he can be so easily parted from his hard-earned cash
- how he's not prepared to ask too many questions, or make an agreement with those who he lends to
- and how he can't/won't confront people who take him for a soft touch.

So it's more about his character weaknesses than the disposal of his surplus cash, I think. The OP is understandably worried about his attitude to money (easy come, easy go, hand to mouth existence with no plans to work towards their shared financial goals). She recognises if he doesn't share her attitudes to money then their relationship will be rocky.

And she's right!

I don't think we help her by saying: 'leave the little lad alone - as long as he's paying towards the household expenses then it's nothing to do with you'. The OP is thinking about her future and, to my mind, she has something to worry about.

I'm not sure what to advise you, OP. I'd probably kick his backside, but that's my answer for everything!

January20

Surely in a committed, long term relationship there should be no more "his money, her money" but "our money" shouldn't there?

Big decisions like spending a lot of money on porch repairs should be made together? And a second opinion sought? Same with lending substantial amounts of money to people. I agree with Kay Peel that it shows say a lot about his character weaknesses, and would add that it shows he has little respect towards the OP too.

OP, do you have children together?
Would you feel less insecure if you worked full time and not part-time?

If you pay equal amounts on the house bills, then I guess you are left with little at the end of the month since you only have a part-time wage? Does his spending affect your lifestyle as a couple?

DUTR

dawn1974 wrote: »

We both pay equally into the house but I think he is pleasing other people before he pleases me.

I think people need more clarification on your set up, although you work part time, you could still be the higher earner. Do you have children together?
Do you love him? Do you only want him to help out with the house running costs? Are other aspects of the relationship good? Does he have his own property elsewhere?

jovichick123

To be honest OP, it sounds very much like you are very guarded due to your past experiences in relationships and are projecting this onto your boyfriend. I can understand your conflicting views about money but at the end of the day, once he has paid the bills/his share, it is ultimately up to him what he does with what is left.

If your house needs a new kitchen, would it be possible to sit down with him and agree an amount of money that you will both transfer into a separate savings account every month. That way, he can treat it as another 'bill' to be paid, you get a kitchen when the savings have built up and he will still have his own money to spend as he wishes?

rachbc

I don't see spending on house renovations and a car needed to do his job as trivial/ waste of money - especially as its not even his house he's maintaining.

Do realise that if he spends his money on maintaining/ improving your house and you split even if the house is in your name he could try and claim a share?

victory

Surely if he pays his half, he can use his other half to whatever he wants? So long as obviously he does not have any debt, needs to pay a loan off etc then sure he has to see to that but if there are any spends free at the end of all that is he not then allowed to spend it?

As for the kitchen get quotes then tell him the cost and aim to save x amount each month especially for that in a completely different account, it may take a while but if you put away some you will get there.

Any

Kay_Peel wrote: »

I can see what the OP is driving at. It's about

- the choices he makes
- the fact that he can be so easily parted from his hard-earned cash
- how he's not prepared to ask too many questions, or make an agreement with those who he lends to
- and how he can't/won't confront people who take him for a soft touch.

So it's more about his character weaknesses than the disposal of his surplus cash, I think. The OP is understandably worried about his attitude to money (easy come, easy go, hand to mouth existence with no plans to work towards their shared financial goals). She recognises if he doesn't share her attitudes to money then their relationship will be rocky.

And she's right!

I don't think we help her by saying: 'leave the little lad alone - as long as he's paying towards the household expenses then it's nothing to do with you'. The OP is thinking about her future and, to my mind, she has something to worry about.

I'm not sure what to advise you, OP. I'd probably kick his backside, but that's my answer for everything!

I completely agree with what you said.
HOWEVER if the OP is as skittish in the communication with him as she is with us, then no wonder they are getting nowhere.

She also fights the wrong battle - the issue is about COMMUNICATION - WE make the decisions about house together etc...
And definitely NOT moaning about how everyone else is more important.
I feel the guy genuinely thinks he is doing the right thing - repairing a porch!!
What is he supposed to do about the insurance payout exactly?
And lending money to brother - seriously??? It's his brother. Unless he constantly provides for him while his brother is a waster then I cannot see the issue... Maybe he even wanted to give him the money... we don't know enough to judge. Perhaps they should have discussed that as well in advance.

newcook

I too am getting the impression that you are very controlling.

If I had been living with someone for 5 years and paying half the bills including the mortgage I would be peev’d off that my partner still referred to the property as theirs especially if they then expected me to put towards a new kitchen and other improvements rather than spend the rest of my money as I pleased!

Why should he invest money to your house when you wont commit by having him on the deeds?

To be honest, if I was him I’d have upped sticks and gone long before now and let you pay for all of it on your own – after all, it is YOUR house.

CH27

newcook wrote: »

I too am getting the impression that you are very controlling.

If I had been living with someone for 5 years and paying half the bills including the mortgage I would be peev’d off that my partner still referred to the property as theirs especially if they then expected me to put towards a new kitchen and other improvements rather than spend the rest of my money as I pleased!

Why should he invest money to your house when you wont commit by having him on the deeds?

To be honest, if I was him I’d have upped sticks and gone long before now and let you pay for all of it on your own – after all, it is YOUR house.

Me too.

I think there is a whole lot more to this story.