Mr right turning in to mr wrong :-(

euronorris

Any wrote: »

I completely agree with what you said.
HOWEVER if the OP is as skittish in the communication with him as she is with us, then no wonder they are getting nowhere.

She also fights the wrong battle - the issue is about COMMUNICATION - WE make the decisions about house together etc...
And definitely NOT moaning about how everyone else is more important.
I feel the guy genuinely thinks he is doing the right thing - repairing a porch!!
What is he supposed to do about the insurance payout exactly?
And lending money to brother - seriously??? It's his brother. Unless he constantly provides for him while his brother is a waster then I cannot see the issue... Maybe he even wanted to give him the money... we don't know enough to judge. Perhaps they should have discussed that as well in advance.

Agreed.

And as for the brother part, my OH has paid for things of his brothers with no intention of asking for the money back. But it doesn't bother me because it's his brother (for one thing), and it doesn't leave him or us short at all.

RichGold

newcook wrote: »

Why should he invest money to your house when you wont commit by having him on the deeds?

To be honest, if I was him I’d have upped sticks and gone long before now and let you pay for all of it on your own – after all, it is YOUR house.

@ OP
Are you for real? Seriously?

You go on about needing a new kitchen when he isn't even on the deeds to the property, and you talk about splitting up from him when things don't suit you, but in the meantime your happy to take his money and attempt to get him to spend more. Why don't you show him this thread and see what he thinks?

You sound like a nightmare to be with.

Had I been in this situation, regardless of what your ex-boyfriends had done to you, I'd have told you to shove it and been gone years ago.

Also I think I'm right in saying despite not being on the deeds he may still have a claim against you on account of paying half of the mortgage/bills for all this time. You have after all prevented him from owning a property of his own by having him live with you and pay you for living there.

jetplane

If you want a new kitchen why don't you get a full time job? Unless you have a reason for only being able to work part time such as looking after his child I think you're onto a good thing. Working part time and having half of your outgoings paid for, he already subsidises you and you want more? :eek:

suited-aces

Unbelievable thread. Hope the poor fella realises the raw deal he's got.

robbiecaratiger

dawn1974 wrote: »

He has to work a week to pay his loan and I only work part-time.

The house needs a new kitchen and my partner agreed that we would save up for it then he starts handing money out to anybody that asks and I feel that he is not committed to me and our future.

Without sounding patronising, I cannot believe what I'm reading !


The house "needs" a new kitchen? I suggest it doesn't "need" a new kitchen but you "want" or would "like" a new kitchen. Two different entities altogether.


He works full time, helps his family out in their time of need and contributes to the monthly outgoings big-time ('cos you work part-time) without any hint or whiff of his name getting on the mortgage deeds. Exactly how long do you have to be together before you legally acknowledge his contribution to the property?

Seems to be that if you got the house a year before your relationship started, he's actually paid more into the house than you have! Now, that's fair enough because you're in a committed relationship with each other - so commit and stick his name on the deeds!!!


Maybe he's a little more frivolous with money than you'd like? BIG DEAL! He could be an alcoholic, gambler, wife-beater, liar, cheat whatever. There are bigger sins you know.


Me, I'd be wondering if my Mrs Right was Mrs Wrong and it wouldn't shock me if this was what he was thinking when he went out earlier.


The cheek of it honestly !!

C_Mababejive

dawn1974 wrote: »

I agree I am quite controlling but I have struggled financially through most of my life.

I am not prepared to struggle anymore and if it means ending this relationship because I feel that it is going to make my life a struggle them maybe it is best that we separate.

Are there cultural issues here..?

Ronaldo_Mconaldo

This website is ridiculous with people posting about their problems that turn out to be entirely self inflicted. So the answer to this problem is to separate from your underling, i mean partner, for his own good. He sounds decent enoughh and he'd be better off without you, do him a favour.

angela110660

I agree with previous reply. If your partner is not named on the mortgage but is contributing in other ways then that should be fair enough. After all, if you now split up and the OP has to leave he has gained nothing for the last 6 years in a financial sense.
It may seem annoying that he is lending money to friends etc but is he thinking about his own situation? He ought to be saving some money for any unknown events in the future - like you ending the relationship for example.
It sounds like you have become "house sharers" rather than a "couple".

aliasojo

robbiecaratiger wrote: »

The house "needs" a new kitchen? I suggest it doesn't "need" a new kitchen but you "want" or would "like" a new kitchen. Two different entities altogether.



The cheek of it honestly !!

How the heck do you know what their kitchen is like? You are far to quick to post comments based only on your assumptions. Here's a whacky idea...you could ask first if the kitchen is needed or not?

The cheek of it?! Exactly!

OP I think you are so focused on money and security because of your past experiences that perhaps you are just a little too hung up on things that maybe would not be such a huge issue for you if you hadn't had those past experiences.

I agree with the others who say you have to communicate. If your relationship is otherwise good, work on this. A difference in financial attitudes doesn't necessarily mean you will always have problems and worries but it does mean you both have to acknowledge each other's thoughts and take on board each other's feelings.

I too am older than my OH and I sometimes feel like I'm the sensible one, I'm the one who always does the 'right' thing whilst his head is full of new treadmills or wheels for the car etc. He doesn't actually spend money on these things, but he wants to. We are just different in what we want and also in how we view things. It doesn't mean he's not committed to me or our home, it's just that he is not as strict as I am at times. I've learned to separate the two and understand his financial 'moments' that I don't like are no reflection on his commitment to our relationship.

I think you need to be honest about your comments about 'struggling'. Do you actually struggle financially or do you just not have as much security behind you as you would like? Does your home need work? Or is it something that you would just like?

Your partner agreed on an improvement that was apparently needed to your home. It was his friend, so he would have believed it was needed. Perhaps he didn't go about it the right way and should have discussed it with you first, but his actions here doesn't signal 'money waster' or ' he's not committed' to me. As for lending money to his brother, it depends on the relationship between them and if the brother is genuine sort who will repay, or a user who takes.

Just make sure you are assessing the situation accurately and not through an emotional 'past feelings' view. I honestly think you need to look at your feelings as well as his actions. It's all very well saying you know you can be controlling but you need to do more than just acknowledge that, you need to work on changing it because it's a trait that will cause you problems all through your life.

I hope you don't feel that was too harsh. I hope you can sort it out so you feel more settled about it all.

DVardysShadow

dawn1974 wrote: »

I agree I am quite controlling but I have struggled financially through most of my life.

I am not prepared to struggle anymore and if it means ending this relationship because I feel that it is going to make my life a struggle them maybe it is best that we separate.

If you don't want to struggle any more, don't get involved with another bloke after you have kicked this one into touch. At least not until you have spent several years working out a different way of relating.