What to do about this 'friend'

wannabehermit

choccybikkie wrote: »

What an awful thing to say when she saw your dd!!!
Just wondering was she successful in ttc? Obviously you were, just wondering if her nasty comment was jealousy? Certainly no excuse but the constant put downs def sound like she's a bit jealous of you.

I'd attempt to phase out too,but, if she doesn't get it and starts to hassle you i'd have to reply with a curt comment!
Good Luck

We both started ttc on the same month. She fell pg straight away, she was really happy, I was really pleased for her, but then she kept on and on about it. I felt she was being quite insensitive as it had taken a long time for me to conceive my 1st 2. I didn't know if it was problems with me or the ex and she knew this. I made her aware that I was worried I may have problems especially as it looked as though I wasn't ovulating, but she still kept on and on constantly changing the subject back to herself and the pregnancy. Luckily it turned out I didn't have problems, I ovulated on the 3rd month & conceived. She was pleased and went on about how we were going to be 'bump buddies', not my thing at all.

Then a few weeks later she miscarried. I tried to be there for her at the same time as giving her space as I understood that it may be hard for her with me being pregnant. Each time we saw each other she went on and on about it, which I let her as obviously she was upset. Then she'd start being quite nasty to me about me being pregnant, she told me she didn't want to see me while she was going through it all. It annoyed me because of how she'd been when she first conceived but I let her get on with it as I understand that different people deal with things in their own ways.

Then she thought she'd fallen pregnant again and suddenly she wanted to be friends. I considered ignoring her but gave her the benefit of the doubt, thinking it was hormones causing her to be like it. It turned out to be a chemical pregnancy but she did fall pregnant the next month. SHe now has a dd herself.

I'd thought the way she was with the pregnancy and miscarriage was hormonal which is why I carried it on at the time, but no it turns out that is how she is. I wish I'd knocked it on the head then and of course in hindsight I would have done.

Any

euronorris wrote: »

If that is the case, then she really could benefit from your honesty about how you are feeling.

That doesn't mean you have to stay friends, but just outline your reasons why you don't wish to continue being friends. At least then she has been made aware of the reasons and can choose to work on them (or not - it's her choice and responsibility).

I'm not a fan of 'phasing' people out. I think it's very cruel and cowardly.

Call it cowardly, but I know of people where doing what you just said to do is suicidal!!:D

Some people (many showing the same symptoms as this "friend") won't ever believe the fault could be in them...

euronorris

Any wrote: »

Call it cowardly, but I know of people where doing what you just said to do is suicidal!!:D

Some people (many showing the same symptoms as this "friend") won't ever believe the fault could be in them...

That may well be, but that shouldn't be a reason not to be honest IMO. If you tell them how you honestly feel, then it is up to them what they do with that information.

It may not always be a pleasant experience, but again, I don't think that's a reason not to do it. Some things in life are just hard.

Any

euronorris wrote: »

That may well be, but that shouldn't be a reason not to be honest IMO. If you tell them how you honestly feel, then it is up to them what they do with that information.

It may not always be a pleasant experience, but again, I don't think that's a reason not to do it. Some things in life are just hard.

I hear what you are saying, but it depends on many factors.
If the person believes you are just a bi*** there could be consequences... Unfortunately speak from own experience. Very unpleasant.

In 90% cases I would do what you say. But in 10% I don't believe honesty is always the best policy..

j.e.j.

This friend does sound like a bit of an oddball, tbh. What a totally inappropriate comment to make about your newborn baby daughter! Perhaps she has 'issues', or maybe she's just socially inept (!). If she's saying other people have given her the brush off in the past at least you know it's not just you.

Another vote here for phasing her out. Being honest is more commendable, but you may not be someone who likes confrontation, and also I think generally in our culture we tend to prefer politeness over speaking directly?

euronorris

Any wrote: »

I hear what you are saying, but it depends on many factors.
If the person believes you are just a bi*** there could be consequences... Unfortunately speak from own experience. Very unpleasant.

In 90% cases I would do what you say. But in 10% I don't believe honesty is always the best policy..

I see what you are saying.

If there is a possibility that said person will react violently, then honesty is not the best policy.

clearing_out_my_pockets

euronorris wrote: »

That may well be, but that shouldn't be a reason not to be honest IMO. If you tell them how you honestly feel, then it is up to them what they do with that information.

It may not always be a pleasant experience, but again, I don't think that's a reason not to do it. Some things in life are just hard.

Hi euro :wave:

I normally agree with your posts, but on this occasion, I disagree. Some people can't handle the truth and telling someone how you really feel could do more harm than good. I have a 'friend' who I am gradually phasing out. I've been friends with her for 18 years . I have tried telling her how lousy she makes me feel, but she manages to turn it round so I end up apologising for upsetting her. Sometimes is really is better to just let things die off naturally. Although in my case it's a little easier as my friend doesn't generally contact me unless I've contacted her first :rotfl:

Starrystarrynight

If she's so horrible and critical to you, OP, she clearly doesn't care about hurting your feelings, so don't worry about hurting hers. Difficult, I know, especially if it's not in your nature, but she hasn't done anything to deserve your kindness from the sound of it.

podperson

I appreciate it's a difficult situation and phasing out is obviously the easier option. However if you could be brave and do as euro suggested then it might be helpful for her - this is obviously happening to her a lot with many of friends if she has been on to you crying about it before. It sounds like she has no idea that she's being insenstive and hurtful and if it was pointed out to her it might help in her friendships in the future.
Of course she could ignore it completely and refuse to believe she's ever at fault - but at least you'd have tried

euronorris

clearing_out_my_pockets wrote: »

Hi euro :wave:

I normally agree with your posts, but on this occasion, I disagree. Some people can't handle the truth and telling someone how you really feel could do more harm than good. I have a 'friend' who I am gradually phasing out. I've been friends with her for 18 years . I have tried telling her how lousy she makes me feel, but she manages to turn it round so I end up apologising for upsetting her. Sometimes is really is better to just let things die off naturally. Although in my case it's a little easier as my friend doesn't generally contact me unless I've contacted her first :rotfl:

Hello COMP!

I see where you are coming from. I've had that happen to me before too, and you end feeling angry with yourself that you apologised for THEM making YOU feel bad. But, I guess that is where my fiery temper (and lack of patience!) can sometimes be helpful for me, cos it happens once, and then the next time they try it they get an earful! :rotfl:Not the best way to deal with it either, but effective!

Although, it has to be said, there are some people out there who just won't listen and would continue to call you anyway. The only way to deal with them is ignoring them, as if they don't listen to 'I don't want to be your friend anymore, please stop contacting me', you're not really left with any other option!