Dealing with a break up

lufcgirl

rachbc wrote: »

ahh this is one of those asking for help, pretending to listen then completely ignoring all the advice given because only OP can possibly know what its really like threads

You both seem as bad as each other to me.

Lol no. Because most peices of advice are to just move on. An impossible situation when you do infact want to save the relationship you are in. I expected people to say she's not worth it, it's childish, move on etc but when you are that person stuck at the end of this with an mountain of questions and always that 1% chance that she will grow up and realise the mistake she has made it's very hard.

I could understand if I was an idiot, I'd cheated, I'd done something gravely wrong. But like I said I haven't and neither has she. We want it to work, I'm quite sure she does, but we need to find a way to make it. Not force it.

Emmzi

no, this is "I know her better than she knows herself"

So a patronising thread.

skypie123_2

lufcgirl wrote: »

And from then on it's became a monthly occurence. I call it her full moon syndrome because it happens every month, we even laugh about it when we are fine.
!

This stands out for me.
Does this behaviour co-incide with her periods by any chance?

coin_operated_girl

When my ex broke up with me a few months ago one blindingly obvious thing that people kept saying to me (despite my protests) was that if someone wants to be with you then they will let you know. It doesn't matter how much you analyse the situation (and I totally get where you are coming from, I'm the queen of over analysing- see my 'heartbroken' thread), if she wants to come back to you then she will.

It sounds to me like she doesn't know what she wants. I don't think that she was never in love with you, she is probably just saying that to either convince herself of that to make it easier to move on or because she is just confused about how she feels. The truth is, it doesn't really whether she ever loved you or not. You just have to take what she says at face value, so if she says she doesn't want to be with you then take it that your relationship is over.

My advice would be to take a step back. Cut all contact for a while. She will either realise what she is missing and come crawling back, or she won't. Right now, I get the impression this whole being friends thing is just prolonging your heartbreak and it will continue to do so until one of you says enough is enough. When my mum broke up with her partner they tried to remain friends straight away and now they just have this weird "sort of" relationship that everyone can see isn't healthy. Its just stopping both of them from moving on, but for them thats easier than admitting their relationship is over and letting go.

I understand that it is hard to just let go because you really want to make it work, but she needs to want to as well.

lufcgirl

coin_operated_girl wrote: »

When my ex broke up with me a few months ago one blindingly obvious thing that people kept saying to me (despite my protests) was that if someone wants to be with you then they will let you know. It doesn't matter how much you analyse the situation (and I totally get where you are coming from, I'm the queen of over analysing- see my 'heartbroken' thread), if she wants to come back to you then she will.

It sounds to me like she doesn't know what she wants. I don't think that she was never in love with you, she is probably just saying that to either convince herself of that to make it easier to move on or because she is just confused about how she feels. The truth is, it doesn't really whether she ever loved you or not. You just have to take what she says at face value, so if she says she doesn't want to be with you then take it that your relationship is over.

My advice would be to take a step back. Cut all contact for a while. She will either realise what she is missing and come crawling back, or she won't. Right now, I get the impression this whole being friends thing is just prolonging your heartbreak and it will continue to do so until one of you says enough is enough. When my mum broke up with her partner they tried to remain friends straight away and now they just have this weird "sort of" relationship that everyone can see isn't healthy. Its just stopping both of them from moving on, but for them thats easier than admitting their relationship is over and letting go.

I understand that it is hard to just let go because you really want to make it work, but she needs to want to as well.

Thank you for that insight. And it is true, all of it, I'm not denying that at all!

We've spoken quite a bit tonight. We just talked about random things and she asked if I now realised it was better for us to be apart and I said yes. She called on her way home and again just now before she went to sleep. Followed by two text messages saying to call at anytime day or night. For now though I am taking it at face value that it is over and that I will see her next week as friends. Although she has asked to go to the cinema which is rather date like as we hardly ever go there.

It's nice talking to her and not arguing! Like we've had tonight. I know we won't be friends straight away, but next week will be a step towards that or being together again. Right now I'm going with friends, and if she wants to be with me like you said, she will let me know.

rachbc

Emmzi wrote: »

no, this is "I know her better than she knows herself"

So a patronising thread.

yep - and an 'I can fix her with my love' ego trip one too...

Kay_Peel

You are intent on making her see that the two of you should be a couple. You rationalise and interpret her words and actions to mean the exact opposite of what she actually says and does. I'm beginning to feel sorry for her.

It sounds to me as though she's trying her best to remain friends with you but is afraid of what you might do if she told you, unequivocally, that you don't figure in her present or her future life.

She goes round and round and round the houses, sometimes finding the courage to say 'No, I don't want this' and then retracts what's she's said - possibly because you bamboozle her with cod-psychology or you analyse and demolish her arguments. You wear down her resolve. I wouldn't be surprised if you do a lot of talking and she has to do a lot of listening. Not a good sign.

Give her a break by believing what she says about your relationship.

raddyantic

Kay Peel - SO agree with what you say as it mirrors my own experience. Cos hands up I was probably guilty of being exactly that type of person you are talking about. Trouble is you just don't realise it at the time and think you are being harmless and helping cos you care and you do behave wthout mallice and just good intention. However at the end of my own relationship I was fortunate/unfortunate to find out the truth behind the breakdown of it - as it was suffocating for her (exact words were 'she had to cut loose')- and like you say they end up being more worried about what you might do if you knew how they really felt. I guess I learnt going forward you have to be less self-absorbed and understand it with honesty from the other person's perspective. So a lesson learnt for me I hope. Maybe you are right and this is what is happening here - food for thought.

lufcgirl

I just thought I would post an update!

So, we're not together, however I'm the one to have cut off all contact. I have been at work for four days hence no replies to anything on here and looking back I do fully agree with what has been said. As well, she has been the one calling and texting most times, not me. Even had the 'what would you do if you were me?' question on Saturday which was fun to answer as I did say she needs to see a psychologist.

I have had many confusing texts in the middle of the night, most nights, apologising and saying sorry, and then the next day it's just back to going round the houses with the I was never in love with you, no time ever meant anything lines. So for my own sanity, after another morning yesterday of the same thing, and then a text at 7pm asking if we could talk. I just said goodnight. Since then I've had a missed call then a text saying if I can't be bothered to reply to a text asking a question not to expect her to talk to me, and not to contact her for a while.
So I've stuck to my word, I think this is the first time in over a year we have gone a day without speaking but it's for me now. I've realised I don't need her, I have an amazing set of friends and family who have been great.
I'm quite sure I will get calls and texts from her over the coming days, and apologies and I'm sorry's for messing you about (not to be together again, just to speak as friends), but I can't do that. If I love her, which I obviously do, I've now let her go. If it's meant to be it will be. But for now, I'm enjoying my life, and have seen what everyone is trying to tell me!

And of course I miss her, it's like a huge pain everytime I think about her, but for now I know not talking is doing us both good.

gazebo

thank you for the update - as tough as it's going to be, stay strong and continue on your path of no contact. As I said at the start, the best way to deal with a break up is to start with accepting you've broken up.

Step one, you can tick that one off now!